To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

I think all that's been mentioned plus I think sometimes you have to lose something and have the full consequence to your actions to learn the lesson properly. I think too often when people betray each other but then someone forgives that little niggle that they got away with it is still there. Whereas when you're single and out on your ear and navigating finances and access to your children that's a hard pill.

Because they weren’t truly happy the first time and now they are?

I used to wonder this about my ex. He certainly seemed better, and it plagued me. Now, and I don't actually know how he's doing and don't care anymore, I think you can never really know a relationship unless you're in it and appearances can be deceptive.

I know a guy who was abusive to his wife and kids for 20 years plus. Every type of abuse going. He's now moved on (I'm being vague...you never know who's on here and might recognise it). Has a new girlfriend. He's now making out like he's the perfect partner, acting the hero and good guy. Makes me sick to my stomach. She knows bits about his previous behaviour but as the saying goes, there's none so blind as those that cannot see. If you are on here and you do think you recognise this, you are with a very dangerous guy and you're deluded.

I think a lot of the component parts of this have been covered by PP, but I think a large part of it are comparing behaviours at the end of one relationship with the honeymoon phase of another... how someone treats their spouse at the end of a failing marriage will not be the same as how they are in the early throes of a new relationship!

He could. Like I said, it could be any number of reasons. He could like the 2nd wife more than the first. Or he could have left the first wife when they've been in the thick of a period of drudgery thinking the grass was greener, but then realised it wasn't but is stuck with what he ran to. Either way, he's a shit who has put himself before his children.

It’s all very well saying people (men) are more mature and put more effort in for their second family but quite often they still treat the children of the first family badly and you’d think if they had matured and realised they can do better they would do that for all their children. I’ve known this happen with a few people including my husbands father, much better with his second family, still a shit dad to dh and hasn’t learned a damn thing.

Yes

through this whole thread there’s an underlying assumption that the break ups were the fault of the man and he’s somehow “learnt his lesson” if the next relationship works out.

in my experience, women have been equally to blame for break ups, and both parties sometimes “do better” next time. It’s only on here it must be horrible men vs lovely women every time

My ex was lazy round the house, didn’t financially contribute and went part time and let me pay for everything. When I ended it he went and got a decent (full time job), a nice house and met a new girlfriend. I was so hurt that he wouldn’t do that for me.

Anyway, he’s been sacked from that job, it lasted less than a year, not too sure about the rest, but they can’t change for long

Or he could just like the 2nd wife more.

It could be this but I strongly suspect it's a feeling of being stuck. He can blame the first wife for making him miserable and him having to leave, but having a second child/set of children and leaving again? Kind of easier to see that the problem lies with him then, isn't it, despite what he claims. So he ends up stuck with a woman and second family that he didn't particularly want. Lots of reasons I suppose though.

It’s just second time around. Like most things in life, you get better at things.

I think often splits are due to unequal domestic responsibilities in the home where male entitlement has meant that either he doesn't appreciate what his female partner does and resents her for the impact that inequality has on her (tired, overwhelmed, less sexual desire etc) which triggers the split, or she realises that he isn't bringing enough to the partnership for it to be worth it. He will then have a period of time as a parent without the benefit of a wife. As a result, he is more likely to appreciate the benefit of having a female partner in future relationships and will often (but certainly not always!) take his domestic responsibilities more seriously as a result. His pool of potential partners will have narrowed now he is a parent so there may also be an element of appreciating the opportunity to have a partner more. Of course this won't be the case for everyone but I do think it's a societal trend as a whole.

He definitely was far more involved with his children in that relationship too, in fact they still hold a magical power over him that is plain to see to everyone including my children. I don't know what it is. He is oblivious to it .I suspect it's" guilt" for" leaving his children behind,( he he saw them 4 times a week).

This is what I was trying to say earlier. Some men have so much guilt about their 'first family' children that the 'second family' children just get crumbs. People try to justify it by saying "at least the second family children get to live with their Dad all the time" but if a man is only engaged/doing fun stuff etc when the first ones arrive, the second children will soon pick up on this. Its a very hard dynamic to navigate

They're probably more mature and happier in their relationship. Many people learn from their mistakes, don't they?

This. The first time they think they can leave to find the joy of their 20s again. The second time they more often realise it’s not that simple.

also I think the financial impact hits hard - if they’ve halved assets once they’re unlikely to want to do it again.

Definitely not in my case.
Il start ñ saying he completely useless at any domestic task including DIY and car so by does earnt decent money..
Ifd say he probably eant and spent more money in the second party of his first marriage that during the very vast party of our relationship.
He definitely was far more involved with his children in that relationship too, in fact they still hold a magical power over him that is plain to see to everyone including my children. I don't know what it is. He is oblivious to it .I suspect it's" guilt" for" leaving his children behind,( he he saw them 4 times a week). At it's definitely not always been the case. My children have always had a very good life with me, I've made sure of it, I've ensure they get to do fun things go to interesting places etc they have never really even connected day doesn't come too. It clearly just deupends on the individual.

This makes no sense. A man of 45 or 50 is "older" than many women he might date, but plenty of men that age are very attractive.

Perhaps you are one of those people who only think 25 year olds are attractive but that's unusual for women in my experience.

I'm cynical as hell - I've seen enough not to be.

It's this - a LOT of the time.

My partner has a child with his ex, she also states he was useless blah blah, my opinion is that he was miserable and now he isn't, not the same for everyone

Well they’re extremely high earners. Probably skews it a bit!

Joe Swash abandoned first child/ren bc didn’t want the responsibility - now portrayed as devoted father of the year to his new 3 (?) and stepsons.

@Savemefromwetdog

Completely disagree with all of this, tbh. Any older men who become single at my work are snapped up almost immediately, with plenty to choose between. Almost all get together with someone younger. Never seen that with any middle-aged women who become single in the same way.
I don't know anything about the men you work with but in my experience, the average 50 year old bloke isn't getting many second glances.

My parents had two kids (me and sibling 1) in their late teens/early 20s. They were awful parents. Then they had sibling 2 in their late 30s/early 40s. They've been 100% better parents to sibling 2.

I think it's down to maturity, and wanting to redeem themselves after the shitshow they made of the 'first' family.

Yes,I've witnessed this. I think they have learnt from their mistakes the first time round.