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Original poster

Should he come to the funeral?

40 replies

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:33

My nans funeral is this week. She has been in a care home since just before Covid with severe dementia so DH hasn't seen her for a long time. He has found out there is a work union meeting on the same day, which he is very much a part of for his area. He has said that he won't go to the meeting, but I can tell he's really pissed off about it. Part of me feels like saying to him don't bloody come them, but in typical MN fashion, I'd be pissed off if he doesn't come. Did your DP/DH attend your grandparents funerals?

OP posts:
Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:56

ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:49

i think its one of those situations where you want him to go with you, therefore he should go. its tough if he doesn't get on with your side of the family, he's not going for them he's going for you!

He does get on with them. Just didn't see nan as I used to go during the week when he was at work to visit her.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 23/02/2025 15:52

xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:46

I'm a very independent person so I don't need him for support as such. I think I'm just annoyed he would see work as more important than being there for my family. I know no one likes them, but he absolutely detests funerals so much, so that's probably making him feel like he doesn't want to go.

If I didn't need the support I couldn't get worked up about him not coming when he has something specific important to him on. Its not the same as if it was a normal work day. If you felt you needed support and that needed to be from him rather than other family members who I assume will also attended I would tell him that is the case

ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 15:49

i think its one of those situations where you want him to go with you, therefore he should go. its tough if he doesn't get on with your side of the family, he's not going for them he's going for you!

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 15:49

If you need him there for support, that's more important than a union meeting.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:46

I'm a very independent person so I don't need him for support as such. I think I'm just annoyed he would see work as more important than being there for my family. I know no one likes them, but he absolutely detests funerals so much, so that's probably making him feel like he doesn't want to go.

OP posts:
DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 23/02/2025 15:44

That is your Nan who has passed & regardless of however long it’s been since he saw her he should be going for you.

You need the support & that is all that matters.

So pls don’t start saying to him ridiculous things like you don’t need to go as you will feel angry & resentful afterwards & that is just stupid after having told him not to go.

He is your husband and it goes without saying he should be there by your side.

Original poster
xyz111 · 23/02/2025 15:44

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 15:42

Nobody is obligated to go to anybodies funeral. Wondering if you might be one of my cousins actually as very similar details as to my gran whose funeral is tomorrow.

I will not be going to her funeral as i didn't have a good relationship with her, and i won't be feeling guilty if any of my family who are there have an issue with that, because she treated me very differently to my cousins etc.

Edited

Funeral isn't tomorrow. But sorry for your loss also.

OP posts:
bakebeans · 23/02/2025 15:44

I think it depends on your circumstances and relationship to your grandparent not to mention if you want him there as support. i think if the latter, then shouldn’t be negotiable x

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/02/2025 15:42

Nobody is obligated to go to anybodies funeral. Wondering if you might be one of my cousins actually as very similar details as to my gran whose funeral is tomorrow.

I will not be going to her funeral as i didn't have a good relationship with her, and i won't be feeling guilty if any of my family who are there have an issue with that, because she treated me very differently to my cousins etc.

5128gap · 23/02/2025 15:42

If you want him there and he can be, he should be, with good grace. He won't be there for your nan, he'll be there for you, and its not a big ask of a husband.

IUnderstandTheWeird · 23/02/2025 15:41

Your DH might be looking at it from the point of view of him not being upset/feeling the need to go because she wasn’t his Nan/didn’t really see her.

All I can say is my DH would be (&was) with me at one DGM funeral as he wanted to support me in my loss, I was close to her and devastated. He only missed my other DGM funeral as he was in hospital (thankfully recovering!) from pneumonia.

Does your DH realise you need his support?

Onlycoffee · 23/02/2025 15:39

It depends.
I would expect him to support me, so if I thought I'd need him for that support, yes I would want him to be there.

My DH is not close to my family so if I would be fine for the funeral and the duration of his meeting, then I would be ok with that as well.

The thing is, you want him there so he needs to get over himself and be there for you.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/02/2025 15:38

Of course he should go. I can't understand how there is even a question of him not going. It would be really disrespectful towards your parent whose mother she was and the rest of your family not to go

SandalsandPools · 23/02/2025 15:36

I would expect him to attend the funeral.

ShamrockShenanigans · 23/02/2025 15:35

Did your DP/DH attend your grandparents funerals?

I don't really see how the above question is relevant because everyone's situation is different.

Are you likely to be very upset and need him for support?

If the answer is yes then he should go. If not, I wouldn't be particularly bothered considering he hasn't seen her in over 5 years anyway.