To think that most friendships are just convenience and people drop you the moment you’re not useful?

People seem to have very extreme ideas about "friendship" on here and a lot of posters seem to have a zero sum approach whereby people are expected to be 3am friends or nothing.

It's completely unrealistic and quite self-defeating: if you take this approach you're needlessly excluding lots of people from your life just because they aren't super close friends. There's the quote about friends for a reason/friends for a season. Some friendships are meant to be transitory or light or superficial. And that's OK. Not everyone has to be prepared to spend 72 hours in A&E with you to enhance your life.

I've had a huge variety of types of friendships in my life: I have 3 or 4 really deep, decades-long friendships with people who I trust enough to look after my daughter if I was hit by a bus. And then various circles of people outside that from people who are good fun to go drinking with but useless in a crisis to people who I have long chats with politics about but wouldn't want to invite to my family home, to work colleagues who I bitch about office politics with. It's all OK.

Friendships also wax and wane depending on life situations: if you have a newborn its obviously going to be hard for you to keep up with a friendship group which is really into extreme sports or partying. It's OK to be honest that a friendship is cherished but not working well in the circumstances. People needlessly cut off people who are dear to them "blocking" and "deleting" and flouncing off because there's a minor difference of opinion on lifestyle and do themselves more harm than good in the process.

Not everyone has to be a best friend to be life-enhancing.

A couple of years ago things were happening with a couple of relatives.
Myself and my husband had to step up with lots of support and we found it all very stressful.
I explained to a close friend that a favour I did her ever week would have to be on hold till things settled down.
Never heard from her again...fair enough,up to her.
But something that made me so angry at another friend last week...

Have you messaged Claire...me.no why would I
Because I told you last week that she is having a really hard time at the moment...me.yes I told you that it wasn't my problem or my business.

Seems I'm the unreasonable one.
But it probably means they weren't ever as good as I though

I so agree with this. I also am creeped out by people who make a huge deal out of celebrity deaths. I don't mean just a brief 'sorry they're gone' but people who are as you say grief vultures. These are people who find their own lives lacking in interest and have to feed on others' experiences. Very creepy.

I agree, but I think situational is fine tbh?

I'm quite a functional person, like a pp said intense, grief vulture people who obsessively like to find out all the information and gossip are absolutely horrible.

A lot are creepy or looking to wallow in negative information to feel superior because they can't handle their own issues.

Or they're users and want a more intense friendship because they know I'll be useful down the line as I "owe" them.

(Or they're ND and obsessed with taking people over/having strong opinions/giving strange unsolicited advice regardless of whether its useful or not).

Tbh it's a bit odd/unrealistic to "ring people up and expect them to talk problems through".

Most people aren't naturally good listeners, they can be ok on an ad-hoc basis. So you may end up feeling worse anyway.

It's probably better if you're emotionally struggling to journal or find some established self care routine. Can be meditation, or a spiritual group, or exercise.

Or even a "safe supportive space" like a spiritual group where people are ok but don't try to problem solve or aren't nosy.

It's common for people to have bad emotional periods, or even bad years - just don't do anything dramatic and try to find daily pleasures and keep going.

There's no easy cure but it's not the end of the world, either.

Prioritise your own goals and be independent, if there's something specific address it at the time.

I think it’s fine to have friends for certain seasons of your life. To let people go and other people arrive. And so on … .

I enjoy having a small circle of friends but tbh when I read on Mumsnet what people expect of friendships, I raise my eyebrows a little.

Maybe my attitude is informed by the fact that I have lots of siblings and a large extended family though.

I’m happy to see friends every so often and pick up where we left off,except in emergency situations, because I don’t really have space in my life for friendships that are more demanding than that, so the friends I have obviously tend to feel the same way! I’m quite happy to be told that I’m a cold fish though! 😃

Honestly, this is going to sound so cynical, but apart from a few honourable exceptions where people meet in school and remain friends throughout their lives, I think friendship is over-egged in our society, just as
motherhood is over-sentimentalised and marriage is over-romanticised.

We are all sold a rather idealistic view of friendship imho when in reality the studies show that location and familiarity eg convenience is the over-riding factor why people become friends.

I think that’s a very sad and cynical view, op. Maybe you’ve had bad luck with the people you’ve chosen as friends, or maybe you considered them friends when they saw you as an acquaintance. Maybe they were busy with their own lives and had no idea you needed their support. It’s hard to say without knowing the individuals concerned.

But personally, no, this is not my experience of friends. I have many - close ones, not so close ones, ones I like but don’t know very well, ones from the past who I don’t really have anything in common with any more, so things have drifted to very occasional meet ups or just the Christmas card list. I also make new friends all the time.

I don’t really overthink it. If I need help, I ask for it. If I’m aware a friend needs help, I’ll offer it. If someone can’t help, I don’t conclude I’m ’no longer useful to them’, I just assume they’re busy, and ask someone else.

Exactly this. Illness, divorce, death. I cherish my friends. We are there for each other come what may - the good and the bad.

Yes, I became unwell. Got ignored, work friends dumped me never heard from most of them again. Bridesmaid stopped contacting me never heard from her again and its been a few years. No time for any of these people. And yes I know I could have contacted them but I was ill and not in a good place.
Have a couple of friends who stuck by me. They are real friends and I'll be there for them too when needed.

You really do find out who you're friends are.

I don't agree, thankfully many friendships are really strong.

I'm older now and only have what I call acquaintances. We meet up now and then during the year but our lives don't intertwine at all. Suits all of us I think. At the end of the day my DP and immediate family are my friends. I can rely on them for anything and vice versa.

I do think many so called "friends" will ditch you when you are no longer useful, when your circumstances don't align, when your financial situations diverge, etc. which is kind of normal I'd say.

Friends can be bitchy, leave you out of things, swing back when it suits, abandon you in times of need, join in when it's fun. Once we are aware of this, it's easier to take friends/acquaintances at face value.

I suppose we are the friends of others too, and are not without blame either!

I agree.

I realised I was just the supporter friend, being used. I was always the one people offloaded to, was always their support or cheerleader. Then I became very unwell, was unable to do that for a while and needed a bit of support myself - a lot of “friends” just vanished. They were only in it for what I could do for them.

A lot of friendships are situational.

That doesn’t mean “drop you when you aren’t useful”, it means while you overlap with work, school, whatever, you are friends; when life moves you apart the friendship fades.

That’s very normal.

It does seem to feel like now people are v.quick to drop you or fade away.
I had a friend that seemed to always want a front seat on any difficulties I was going through but once the dust settled she wouldn't make the effort to see me in person.
My father was in hospital and whilst texting her I got a call or message I couldn't remember that he was worse and whilst calling a family member to find out what had happend - he had actually died - she was trying to get through to me to get an update on what was going on.
She didn't attend the funeral or visit me in person despite her living in the same city as me and being child-free at the time. It never occured to her to support me in that way but she was happy to speak to me to find out about events unfolding, any family drama etc.

Yes have found that. Had a lovely cousin I was always flexible. Got dropped once she got working. Texts for info what college for daughter. I just realised people out for themselves now! But thankful I have few good friends

I think you’ve just had bad luck or bad friends OP. I can’t say this has ever been my experience, my circle of friends & my husband’s are amazing, through thick & thin, we are always there to help us celebrate the good times and to help hold each other up through the bad times.

Have you asked for support, or are you expecting people to offer though? Or does sound as though you've had bad luck with friendships.

I am not English. And one thing I have found quite interesting since I moved to the UK, is that whiel I have develoepd some really good and close friendships, I still find it quite difficult to know when to sort of push my way in and when to take a step back and I am not sure if that is a cultural thing or the result of friendships that are a bit newer. I definitely have found that people can tend to fade away when things are tough because they don't know how to help or they don't want to overstep in a way that simply doesn't happen with my oldest friends from home or the two English women I have now been friends with for a really long time. True, deep friendship takes time and I think that as adults, it can be difficult to properly invest that time which can make it harder to be able to rely on those friendships when you need them.

My friends tend to have a lot going on in their own lives - most of us have busy jobs, teenage DC, ageing parents and less energy ourselves than we used to have. I think it's hard to find the time and bandwidth to give lots of support to a friend on an ongoing basis (different in an emergency situation, when I'm sure they would drop everything to help if they could). I don't think that means they're not true friends or don't care about each other. It's just life.

Not my experience at all.

👋 Hello again! It's you. Just a reminder that no, not all friendships are transactional although by definition, you aren't friends with someone if it doesn't work for you and make you feel good and that's fine. Spending your money to try and keep friends is not helpful and at work, things are often a bit more complicated.

The saying "You have friends for a reason, a season and a lifetime" is, I think, a very accurate one. Understanding the difference and hwo those friendships work is an important skill.

Not in my experience. Do you consider yourself a good friend OP?

I have different “types” of friends.

I have life long friends that I’ve know since I was in school. We have stuck out our friendships through family deaths, illness, break ups, children and all of other life’s dramas. We would be there for each other with the drop of a hat and there is not a lot we don’t share with each other.

I also have friends that are more of just “good time” friends. We aren’t as deep as my other friends but if they ever needed me I’d still be there in a shot however we usually meet up once every month or two for lunch, drinks and have good solid catch ups and fun then rather than on going day to day chat.