To feel guilty for being successful?

The whole OP is just a good old fashioned mumsnet stealth brag dressed up as look at humble impoverished old me and how hard work got me a country house and two ponies 🙄 it’s just a wanting validation post.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school

Meant to post that on my previous post

Yes your mum sounds amazing but she was the one to break the cycle, not you!

The only posters you think understand you are the ones saying "well done you. You're a survivor. You've beaten the odds. You're great".

You say some of your friends think you've got 'above your station'. I suspect what they notice is that you think you are above people and see yourself as superior , some kind of hero for "making it out". 🤢

Im not going to sit here and tell you how amazing you are. I'm pleased for you that you don't live in poverty now. But you definitely have a hint of narcissism and a touch of the markle about you...

Agreed, and no you work your fingers to the bone OP, you were hardly down the pits, you lost any sympathy from me with your second post, just awful.

Hi OP

You did absolutely earn it, but you were also lucky that you had an amazing role model and this is what might be making you feel guilty, that fundamentally its not fair that some people are born into families where they are shown different possibilities and supported to achieve etc and others just aren't at all.

I am wondering if your work (or industry) has some sort of social mobility / D&I type organisation you could join? The company I work for has just started a social mobility network (after lots of other inclusion networks this seems to be one area of inequality that still exists eg it's still socially acceptable to laugh at where someone is from or make fun of their accent). I'm not saying you should at all, you don't owe anyone and might not feel comfortable talking about your background etc. But it might help with the guilt if you feel you're doing something?

I don't have a big country house but a house in a nice part of London which I know many people now couldn't afford. I grew up on benefits, one parent deceased and worked from the age of 16, got myself through uni, (while my middle class friends never worked one day and had money from their parents all the time). I worked part time all the way through, paid all my uni debts within 10 years while climbing the career ladder. I don't have any guilt, not at all, and not sure why you feel guilty, but I do have imposter syndrome around successful people who were brought up with wealth and never feel like I'm at their level. However, I acknowledge it was my mum and extended family that pushed me to study and get an education, because they knew the circumstances I grew up in and knew it was the only ticket I had to success. Rather than feeling guilty, I feel like I owe them a huge gratitude to enjoy life now.

Maybe you feel uncomfortable because you understand that many people study and work hard yet don’t end up wealthy or even comfortable.
On the other hand, some people have severely abusive upbringings and end up millionaires
I hear you had some tough years but you were also privileged to have a loving mother who broke the poverty cycle
There are lots of things at play to create wealth- upbringing, love, encouragement, work. It’s mostly luck. Don’t feel bad about it- there are people doing worse than you and there are people doing better. Appreciate your position of privilege and don’t over think it

Absolutely. I was totally with the OP in her first post but the more I read the more I realise she just thinks she's the bees knees and above everyone else..

I grew up in poverty - south London council flat, single mother with addiction, five siblings, no food, mother’s horrible stream of boyfriends coming and going. I got a STEM degree, PhD, had an academic career before changing to a corporate one. I have a nice life. I don’t have to worry about money and have a relationship with my partner that doesn’t involve us screaming at each other (unlike all the relationships I saw as a child). Do I feel guilt? Fuck no. Some of us make it out and some of us don’t, and there are many factors that contribute, including a hefty dose of luck. Just enjoy your good fortune.

You really aren't listening to what others are saying, your DM bought a lovely home and you had lovely holidays and in fact you are putting her down.
She did her very best but what a lot of us are hearing is that it wasn't good enough for you, and now 'you've made it' you are looking down at others with faux pity.
Many of us lived in poverty, many of us knew what an empty tummy was. I remember it like it was yesterday, many of my friends aren't where I am BUT to say 'they didn't make it out' IMVHO is a vile statement.

Sorry OP but you are loosing me more and more with every post. You are way too wedded to the 'i came from nothing' narrative and seem to want a great pat on the back and to be told how wonderful you are.

Most people's parents struggle more in the early days than in the teenage years. DH and I rented when ours were little, and now they r at secondary we have our own home etc.. I see myself and our children as privileged that they get holidays now and we pay for extra curricular. Just like you were privileged at secondary.

Sorry primary was harder for your mum financially, but she gave you so many opportunities - you saw her put your first, prioritise you, go to uni, work hard, save to afford holidays as you got older. She clearly seems to have loved and inspired you too. Gosh you are very lucky indeed.

Half the population can tell stories about their parents not having much money when they were small. My mum was a single parent of three kids and struggled when we were very young. It's not that unusual.

What you managed to get, from your mum, was loads of opportunities, particularly as you got older. Many many kids remain in poverty. Their parents haven't got the skills to go to uni, to get a job, to afford holidays and dance classes. Many kids grow up with neglect or abuse or around substances, gangs or violence. Many will never see their parents grind at uni or go on to earn a decent wage and buy a house. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, but 99.9% or children across the globe can't afford a pony.

Stop seeing yourself as poor little me who is amazing for all the hard work they've done to get where they are, and start showing some gratitude for the many many positives, privileges and lifts up you've had in your life.

The pot noodles didn't do you any harm and I'm sure you managed a bit more than a pot noodle on your holidays.

Please start some voluntary work, preferably with homeless people, refugees or children under child protection. You might get some perspective...

I have a similar story and don't feel guilty for my success. However I realise it was hard work AND LUCK.

Lots of people in grinding poverty work just as hard as you or I. They weren't as lucky in being supported by their families or academically gifted or healthy.

I think the wealth discrepancy on this country is shameful. I think part of it is because wealthy people believe they earned it by working so damn hard.

@SailorSerena Why do you feel guilty? Because you have 'survived', and others haven't. It is called "survivor's guilt".

it was your mum that broke the cycle, not you

100% this. Your mum gave you a great start, which I imagine was not her background. She seemed determined to improve her life, perhaps because of you so had dedication and love.Many, many children from deprived backgrounds don't have that.

I think you need to consider you are "lucky" for many reasons 1.To have your mum and 2. have the brain type that enabled you to follow a STEM career, which in recent years has paid very well. You may have had the same mum but a creative brain (or SEN) and your earnings might be considerably less, irrespective of your hard work. It's them unlikely you would have financial security now.

Practice gratitude and give to charity..put back what you have been fortunate to receive.

Ah, I just read your updates. Yes - I don’t think most people have a car on their 18th/house deposit etc do they? I’m not from what I consider to be a hugely deprived background but certainly didn’t have a parent in a position to provide me with that! So I wouldn’t get too carried away with the idea you’ve overcome a lack of something the majority have.

I think the guilt comes because there is also some luck in there.

You have absolutely worked incredibly hard to achieve what you have - and you should be so proud of that. But while you had a tougher upbringing than some people, you also perhaps had a more loving mother than some people. Perhaps you were in the right place at the right time at some point to make all that hard work pay off. You got a job, whereas someone else just missed out. Life takes a million different turns on a sixpence - I really believe that you make your own luck by working hard and taking opportunities as you have done. But you can’t deny that some people also work hard and don’t quite make it, don’t get the job, meet the right partner.

So I think that’s where some of the guilt stems from.

And it also means it is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You should enjoy what you have and have worked hard for. You do deserve it.

In your shoes, I would set up a standing order to a charity that supports the community I grew up in and that might help a bit with those feelings too.

Well done OP, you should be proud of and you should enjoy all you have achieved.

Agree.....and the answer from @MumBikini was spot on

I come from a very poor country and we were poor in that poor country. I won a scholarship and to cut a long story short, I am in the top 2% of earners in this country. I do not feel guilty but I am grateful to God for his blessings. I give back in a variety of ways. I've faced racism, xenophobia, sexism. I came here at 19 to attend university, all on my own and it was the first time I ever travelled. Gosh thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Many of my peers from back home have also been very successful economically. I think being poor can fuel a fire in one's belly to succeed.

Absolutely this!

You desperately sound like you want a pat on the back for being so clever and resourceful.

But a massive amount of luck was involved too. A lot of people work really hard and don’t have what you have? Why is that?

Not everybody who works like a dog has a big house and two horses. That’s life. It’s not fair. So yes you’ve been very lucky.

This!