To feel guilty for being successful?

I know poverty. I know domestic violence and abuse. Some of us never got the privileges you did, and that's ok, life isn't fair and equal.

What do you want validation for? Stop looking at the woe is me perspective, and look at what you have accomplished.

I don't feel guilty for surviving my childhood when some don't. I don't feel guilty I'm no longer beaten, when some are. I don't feel guilty for my determination to be nothing like where I came from. What would that achieve, apart from reminders of dark times and an impact on my health. You can't change things for everyone, just yourself. And you have.

A lot of envious people commenting on this thread . The OP didn't get lucky . She made her own luck .

Yes, exactly. My parents worked brutally hard all their lives, but in minimum wage jobs hat left them with ongoing physical issues. OP, find a way to give back. But also, respectfully, ask yourself why you’re biting the heads off posters who are suggesting a different narrative. I’m also from a grindingly poor background and got out via education, but I more than acknowledge the role of pure luck in this. Yes, I worked like a dog for scholarships etc, but I was lucky someone else didn’t do better on the day.

@SailorSerena I find it sooo inspirational when women have to work hard due to life circumstances and end up having a lovely life. You do deserve it. I do have a lovely life (lovely DH and DC) but never had a career job, just reception/retail roles and currently a SAHM(never went to uni either). Please keep doing what you're doing for other women who are unable. Enjoy the rewards of your hard work, you truly deserve it 💜

Exactly !!

I had a comfortable childhood, but everything we have now is earned !!

Agree with this. From an illness perspective I will never achieve what you can. Why don't you dedicate time and money - I think time is important - to a charity that's important to you?

OP I am proud of you. You should be so proud too. You are winning at life through your own hardwork, guts and determination. Its a brilliant achievement. You are being unreasonable, you deserve this,enjoy it. I admire you,you have been on a tough journey, keeping your focus must have been a nightmare at times. Great job lady..this is your reward enjoy it please.

I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it.

Bet your mum doesn’t feel guilt that she managed to buy a house/do well for herself and you. Bet your mum doesn’t feel guilt that her daughter has done even better. Don’t borrow problems, well done you! Enjoy your life.

No one should feel guilty for being successful. I’m not successful as I don’t have drive and ambition plus I’m very lazy so it’s my fault.

Wow you earned it with blood sweat and tears?

I’ve met a handful of people who work like that. As the first person in my family to finish school working 100 hrs a week as a doctor I still didn’t think that…..it never occurred
to me I was working harder than a cleaner or a farmer.

I don’t feel guilty about my success but I find the hyperbole around work very silly. So so many people on MN ‘working their arse off’ etc.

But she didn’t have Sky Tv as a child!

Good post. I agree.

I can relate to this.

My parents were poor, and I vowed to do everything I could to not end up in the same position.

I was lucky, in that I had a bursary to go to private school, so that gave me a bit of a life boost. At 13 I told my careers teacher I wanted to be a lawyer - which was strongly discouraged as it didn’t match the careers profiles they suggested.

Falling pregnant at 18 was a bit of a blip - so I did my degree at 22, working full time too at a law firm. Law firm saw I was bright and took over my funding after year 1 and I qualified there. I stayed ten years, then 3 more jobs later and I am earning well and at a very senior level.

I was pretty ambitious and met DH, with a similar working class background, who also worked his arse off. When we met we were both in minimum wage jobs, now we both earn well and have a mortgage free house, property abroad etc.

Nobody IRL knows that though. I generally don’t bring people to my house as I’m embarrassed by some of the comments I’ve had. And my extended family seem to think I have “too much money” and can be pretty unpleasant about it without having a clue what I earn. And I am not posh enough to be well
off either. So I’m grateful, but also it feels very foreign and uncomfortable to me.

In comparison, my wider family are all in unskilled, low paid jobs, and don’t generally own houses, so even knowing I own a house is enough for them to be jealous and pissed off, apparently.

Therapy would be really helpful here x

I agree that there's no automatic correlation between working hard and earning an exceptional salary. There are many people who have worked hard, gained qualifications and don't become high earners, and lots of people work hard in jobs that keep society turning but never earn much.
Your achievements are something to be proud of @SailorSerena . However I really don't think other people were as rude to you as you seem to think they were.

Ps not just you but I bloody hate the phrase "worked hard"
If working hard was the key every cleaner would earn more than tech bros and the highest paid individuals on the planet would be single mums in Africa who walk miles for clean water & raise kids

Never feel guilty but also never look
Down on anyone who didn't manage to climb out of the same situation you lived through.

I had to add something to this post.
I couldn't believe some of the mean things op was saying in her posts.
I too felt guilty for having so much ( no ponies though)
I got over myself and just replaced the guilty feelings (over time) with appreciation and gratitude ( I love this, I'm so happy I have this etc)
I think guilt is only useful as an emotion if it's stops you doing mean things.
So op not need to feel guilty about how lucky you are to have such a lovely life ( just don't lord it over anyone, which I'm sure you aren't )
But maybe feel a bit guilty about you many mean, defensive and down right uncalled for posts.

Good for you OP with your achievements and as long as you have acknowledged your lovely Mum ,then stop trying to validate your success.

I feel that way. I put the feelings to use in volunteering for a charity helping young teens in similar situations as I grew up in, also in the way I vote and campaign.

I suspect your guilt isn't about what you've achieved, but more about your pity for other people. All those poor estate kids who you think have worse lives than you. Pity comes from arrogance, though. It comes from having a sense of superiority over others.

I'm another person who is surprised at how dismissive you are of what your mother did to get you both out of poverty. But it makes sense when you believe yourself to be the hero. And your OTT reaction to other people pointing out your mother's efforts also indicates you don't like your narrative to be challenged because it threatens your ego. At the root of it, arrogance comes from insecurity.

You did well to create the life you have, but it's not all from hard work. It is also luck, opportunity, and not being a single parent living on an estate. It doesn't take anything away from your achievements to acknowledge that you also benefitted from your mother's hard work and may have had opportunities that other people didn't.

I could imagine my DD being in your position in a few years time.
I was like your mum to a point, going without and working my backside off to provide. I didn't go to university because of health issues and now am possibly considering it again, all be it a different area than the one I originally planned. I have been promoted within my role and considering what I've dealt with, I feel that's an achievement.

My DD will be sitting her final exams in a few months for her degree and hopefully able to embark on her professional career and be successful. She's worked bloody hard to get there and I've sacrificed to support her as well. I'm on a wage that barely supports one person and during her practical year I had to support her too because she didn't get enough to support herself in the way of student loans. I did extra jobs on an ad hoc basis (above board) when my ft job allowed and we went back to those days of rationing food, energy and well everything.

I feel lucky for what I've achieved and supported her to achieve, and sorrowful at what might have been at the same time, had my life been different.

I don't think you need to feel guilty for being successful, but maybe your guilt is coming from the way you're framing your success. As someone who sounds similar to your mum, I don't think you're giving your mum enough credit as it were for the way she changed things from your early life to your teenage years, and the knock on effect that has had, not having holidays or dance classes, but the unwavering support and inspiration she clearly gave you through all your childhood, even the poverty years, by going without so you had, by digging herself out of that situation so you had a better frame on life and starting point and had a belief it was possible.

I've absolutely no doubt that you've worked hard, but you had a better starting point (and not just financially) than your mum sounds like she did. And judging by the way you've reacted to a pp who said similar, recognising that seems to threaten you in some way. You seem very stuck on keep reiterating how you have worked your fingers to the bone, and how much you deserve it now - I'm not saying you don't, but as soon as someone has said that actually maybe your mum played a bigger role than you recognise, you've reacted negatively.

Recognising other people's role in your success doesn't (or shouldn't imo) diminish your own role in it, I don't think I'm solely responsible for my DDs success to date, but I do know I've had a huge impact in my 'supporting' role and she may well have made it with no support at all, but I've given her some advantages that she wouldn't have had. Her or me recognising that doesn't at all diminish the hard work and effort she's put in.

"you want to put me in my place."

I think you've got a chip on your shoulder OP.

Like others I thought you were lovely in your first post, but subsequently you've acted like a cornered badger to anyone who has suggested a different slant to your life experiences and how you feel about them.

And the way you made STEM work sound like 30 years down the pit was interesting.

This is so so so inspiring!!!! You and your mum got out of poverty. Lots of people take their fate of beeing born poor as a destiny. You telling your story can change that. Your mum gave you hope and better life. Maybe you can inspire others too.
By beeing happy you spread happiness!!

I agree with everything you have said . I understand.