To feel guilty for being successful?

Illustrative example:

I bought my house in late 2005 and later married, meaning it was the marital home. When I split with my ex, it's value had dipped due to the 2008 financial collapse, nevertheless I bought him out via savings and a small inheritance. With that money he bought a house at 190k, which is now worth (9 years later) circa 350k, so he now has €200k plus equity despite never saving for a deposit etc. Timing goes a long way on asset wealth.

Poverty teaches you to be a front loader and to save, but the big jumps in wealth are often down to the economy and timing.

100% this.

I have a professional career now earning a decent wage (household income over 100k, which I know is peanuts on MN haha), and yes I worked extremely hard (pulled 80hr weeks for a few years), but it wasn't hard work alone that enabled me to pull myself out of poverty. It was luck too. I was lucky enough to go to uni for a course when the fees were paid and they gave a small bursary. It wasn't enough to live on by any means but meant with full time hours on top I could make it work. Without that I don't honestly see how I could have got to where I am now. It wasn't practically possible. The ladder seems to have been pulled up for that now, which is awful.

I think one thing you are not giving enough weight to OP is timing. The date your mother, and then you got onto the property ladder probably effected your life trajectory, more so than working your fingers to the bone.

My mother has the rags to riches story and she is painful to listen to at times. Personal triumph over poverty, climbed her way out when others didn't because they didn't graft as hard as she did....... What she fails to recognise was the buoyant economy and property market that she was part of in her early working life, that propelled her forward. Her match in my dad who jumped on the property market (first), and provided a home and the upwardly mobile property value acsent. They bough horses too (thoroughbred) and land, however in 2008 their value collapsed.

I think what you are failing to recognise sufficiently, is the luck of timing and economic forces beyond the average person's control.

I understand the not fully fitting in with the current neighbours or the original neighbourhood, but that's part and parcel of social mobility.

Most of the rags to riches is timing rather than hard graft. There ll be plenty of other grafters that it didn't work out quite so well, even though they worked just as hard. There ll be other lucky sods who just got in at the right time or other forces outside of their control worked in their favour.

I totally get this OP.

I grew up on a council estate, lots of addiction, violence and criminality in my family. But my parents did the best they could. We didn't always have enough money, but we had food, and they loved me. As I got older things got very rough and now in adulthood I'm the odd one out as someone who was the first to go to uni, quality in a profession, get a mortgage, marry before having a child etc. Now my child has a life I honestly dreamed of for them. Parents that love them, that prioritise education, that offer extracurricular hobbies like sports and music, that read with them. There is always food, we can choose to eat pretty much whatever we fancy. Berries and avocado are a daily snack! It blows my mind.

I don't feel guilty, but I do feel enormously fortunate, and I'd encourage you to try and turn your guilt into gratitude if you can. You were incredibly fortunate to have been born to a mother that loved you, that wanted the best for you, that was willing and capable of studying, getting a decent job, and becoming successful. There are many kids in the world who don't have a single adult that loves and cares for them. I was SO lucky to have parents that didn't have anything materially, but passed along a love for literature, for music, and for learning. Without those things I wouldn't be where I am today. Which is by no means in the stratosphere haha but it is a more secure and lovely life than I ever dreamed was possible.

Plenty of people work incredibly hard every day of their life and never make it out of poverty.

Reading a book set in the slums in India absolutely revolutionised what I thought I knew about poverty btw. Growing up in a tiny council flat with one loving parent and enough food for the child is a dream compared to what many humans experience every day of their life, with no end in sight.

You haven't been on holiday because you can't afford it? Sell one of your horses then, rent out one of the rooms you have in the home you own? If you really want a holiday, sell the farm cottage and downsize and that should cover holidays for a few years 🙄

OP you are still.missing the point lovely .. you are focussing on the negatives of your early childhood rather than the positives. There is so much positive that can come of seeing a parent stressed and grafting to provide for YOU. You saw you mum crying and leaned that she is striving and stressed to provide for YOU, you saw her working for YOU. You learnt that you don't want to be poor to have to cry, You leart that this woman was able to pull herself from no food and no electric to get to uni and earn money and even buy a house FOR YOU. You saw a woman strive and achieve and you learnt that so you could repeat it. You saw your mum go without food so YOU could eat. You felt loved. You saw your mum would always provide for YOU even if she went without

There are MILLIONS of people across the globe that struggle with poverty as under 10 year olds. I'm sorry you experienced poverty for a few years as a kid but get over yourself. So did I, so did millions more. You also experienced the privilege of being loved, of having a fantastic role mole, of experiencing your teenage years relatively well off (which matters a lot because that's when you need to take GCSEs, a levels and consider uni).

Stop trying to show how much worse your life was than others, and what a hero you are. It's ridiculous.

I agree with PP that it was your mum that broke the cycle, not you OP.

I also dislike when people shout about "working hard", so much harder than other people. It just gives off an air of arrogance and superiority.

Sure there are lots of people that don't work hard, are maybe still stuck in generational cycles. Equally there are plenty of people that work incredibly hard and still don't achieve what you seem to measure as success.

I grew up in poor, although I appreciate not to the extent of some. I never had the correct equipment for school, too short uniform, shoes will holes in, or the incorrect shoes all together as my parents couldn't afford to replace school shoes. I had one holey coat, handed down from my sister. I also remember being absolutely freezing for most of my childhood. No holidays. Had food most of the time but not proper meals, a lot of beans on toast etc.

I am the one "breaking the cycle" in many ways. I have worked hard, very hard. But I don't have the "success" by your measure.

I am the first in my family to have gone to university. I have a professional job, but in the public sector so doesn't pay well. I have a mortgage. I am a single parent as I left a DV relationship (again breaking the cycle as I grew up in an unhappy home).

I don't have a husband and a "country house" but I see myself as still achieving quite a lot in life given my start.

Just live your life OP and don't feel guilty, no one else cares but you TBH.

You are massively underestimating the role of luck in both yours and your mother's good fortune OP. Most single women in poverty are not able to quite drastically transform their situation by simply getting a degree and working, and I don't know anyone with a STEM degree who has a country house with horses. Neither of your stories are typical at all.
And you have repeated numerous times that your mother gave you nothing, I think that is very unfair. Practising gratitude, volunteering with children in poverty and mentoring are all really good ideas.
There's a brilliant book called People Like Us by Hashi Mohamed, he grew up in abject poverty and is a top barrister now, but he keeps maintaining that luck is so under acknowledged. Most of his siblings are still living in poverty.

I think once you accept that, you find peace. The poster who suggested reading - great idea. What a kind thing to do.

I haven’t read the full thread, OP but this is just to say sometimes doing something really simple can help. Have you thought about going to a school and listening to children read? It’s the presence of an adult that helps them and they will be able to ‘read’ all sorts of things about you. Just spending half an hour with someone who isn’t their family or teacher but someone who has chosen to be there makes a huge difference. And you will be aspirational to some little girl who is experiencing what you experienced as a child. What they need to see is that there are adults they can feel safe and comfortable with out in the world and who will encourage them in the right way ( through education) and just sitting with you will do huge things for their confidence.

The difference on reading levels for those ( particularly who struggle or don’t have encouragement at home) who work on a one to one basis with volunteers is huge - I could really see the difference. And they love the contact. Some children never have anyone hear them read and it makes all the world of a difference

Yes I agree with this, this is me as I have always worked so hard to make things work but basically being a single parent myself, undiagnosed autism/adhd, the pandemic all messed up my career trajectory. Not excuses as such but also I think sometimes there’s an element of luck and timing with certain things.

I can recognise parts of your story but with some differences. also raised by a strong single mum, English wasn’t first language, faced difficulties, racism etc but worked incredibly hard to put us through a grammar school and have financial security. She passed on her work ethic to me although due to some life events I never really reached my full potential, always worked hard whilst raising a child myself as a single mum but have remained in more entry level jobs (too much to go into as to why)

anyway despite that due to financial help from my mum and meeting a lovely partner we now have a beautiful house and disposable income, two kids etc, I question whether I deserve it all the time tbh

i feel like in many ways it’d be easier if I did work my way up in a career as opposed to leaning on my mums money- then I wouldn’t feel as guilty- other times I try to give myself a break and realise ive done well just to even be here

just a slightly different perspective… also agree with what people have said about love, if you had secure attachment from a young age it makes it much easier to mitigate difficult life events

I'm not disputing you worked hard, and that's great, but also agree other people (e.g. cleaners but many others) work hard and don't achieve the same level of financial success. That's the inevitable unfairness of life. Similarly, I'm sorry your formative years were blighted with poverty. Looking to now, if you feel guilty, then do something about it. Actively help out. Give back. Make a difference.

Oh stop it. Op has everything to be proud of herself. Her mum inspired her and I'm sure she is just as deserving of everything.

I think you are way over thinking this. Imposter syndrome is pretty universal.

I'm similar, very working class background, first person in my extended family to get a degree. Worked bloody hard all my life, now thinking about retirement. I've had a lovely life compared to my childhood / twenties, but as many of you have said, still feel imposter syndrome on a regular basis.

Very similar situation here OP however I haven't ever felt guilty. I do sometimes feel embarrassed though and I downplay things a lot and I don't post things on social media as I don't want anyone to see what we have and do and feel bad about their own situations. When we moved into our most event and very large home I had imposter syndrome for the first two years and couldn't settle. I love it now but it took me ages as I didn't feel I belonged.

I'm also really grateful my husband is very supportive of my family too and we financially support his mum, my mum and sister (who recently divorced and is struggling) so I suppose that assuages any guilt I might feel as we are able to share our wealth with those we love and who need it.

I hope you are looking after your mom now.

You said you have a large country house, horses etc? Yet you don’t have the money for a holiday!?? In 3 yrs?

Come on, OP. Are you blaming your initial rough years for not earning much now? Inspite of having a stem degree?

Did she, or was it her mum's hard work that gave her the leg up?

THIS.

OP, you say you stuck with bullying managers to get the work experience, I’m curious about what you think people with comfortable childhoods do !? Leave jobs and go on benefits ??

other than the initial few years where you had a tough life, your mom seems to have done really well to give you a comfortable childhood. Dance classes, having your own bedroom, warm house - and above all, a supportive parent - all this is privilege!

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one

I don't think you have any idea of what growing up in poverty actually means.

You had a 'lovely house, nice holidays and dance classes'

It's actually really rather offensive and repugnant to those of us who actually grew up in poverty - council houses from age 0-16, sometimes no food, no opportunity, bullied because of your knackered shoes and school uniform (pot noodle would have been a treat).

My first holiday was age 20 when I'd saved enough money. I worked from age 14.

And my viewpoint doesn't come from envy, as I'm very proud to be successful now.

It's strange to tell yourself a false narrative when actually you had privilege - perhaps that's why you feel such guilt?

@SailorSerena you’re allowed to be proud of yourself. Ignore the detractors.
Well done.

@Catapultaway I agree and with other posters.
Where abouts in the UK are you??

I am in the North east and your upbringing seems a lot like mine and most of our friends.
I am 2 years older than you and remember my mam putting lots of coats on our bed on top of our quilts to keep us warm as we only heated downstairs and could only have double glazing in the livingroom. My dad used to stay up from nights to look after us and tried to catch up from sleep when mam came home from work.

No one I know had cars for their 18th or house deposits gifts.

We have all worked hard since we were 16 and my husband since he was 13.

Our parents were supportive and loving and instilled a work ethic in us all. However we know we have an element of luck and being able to get our mortgage at 25 buying 3 bed house in the north east at £135K 13 years ago.
We're happy and have a beautiful child.
We both work in the NHS I'm a nurse and husband is IT and could never afford a horse or anything like that.
But we are comfortable and can afford a yearly holiday.
I work in the community day to day and see lots of deprivation in the area I live in.
Some stuck in cycles and poor education, lack of guidance from parents etc and others bad luck. It is so sad. But I'm a local lass and I will try and help as best as I can.

I am very thankful for what I have and you can't say you have worked harder than a lot of people.