I really don't like my nephew

Yes I know, but the % like this now is unbelievable. It's like every family has at least one and that is, imo, alarming.

Out of a group of 10 young adults I know, 4 were thrown out by their parents and only now, 5 or so years later, have they started to recognise what a mess they made of their early adult life. These are kids from good middle class homes not the extremes you portray but their parents just got sick of them doing nothing etc. I suppose sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

If his parents refused to have him because he's lazy/they always argue/whatever but his aunt and uncle decided to ignore that and have him, then it isn't his parents fault.

No one forced him to return back to his home town after graduation. I actually know young people who haven't returned home after graduation. Instead they found jobs to support themselves.(Funnily enough they are all in the same city.)

In other words, as I said previously, both things can be true at the same time; their brain is still developing AND they need a push to get launched.

I think failure to launch is becoming a more prevalent phenomenon then previously. Partly because of the housing market and current economic climate, partly because parents have become too permissive, and partly because our youngsters - at vital
stages of their development - are spending more time on their phones , passively observing other people living life,rather than practicing practical skills themselves.

He's probably doing the right thing on paper for now. In a month or so that's when the sanctions will start.

The OP said he doesn't get on with his mum and dad.

If you have no parents who can help you for a variety of reasons e.g. location, space, unless you show you are a compete a-hole other adults will help you.

It isn't rare.

The issue is this adult doesn't realise how lucky he is to have someone already there.

He's 23 not 13. He should be sorting his own living arrangements out. Tell him to go to the council and tell them he's homeless like anyone else in his position would have to.

What’s the situation with UC? They would normally be hounding him to get a job, or removing his benefits. Does he have some disability or illness?

Stop being a doormat.

He's like this because you are enabling him to be.

He doesn't want to live with other family members because they stopped enabling him.

Tell him he will be moving out on X date and call the police to have him removed if necessary.

He won't change otherwise and he will continue to abuse you.

Is this what you want?

You aren't doing him any favours here by just tolerating him.

He’s on UC.

Well you seem to feel it's your SILs fault but surely now you can see why she chucked her DS out. At 23 he's basically seen you and his DPs work and pay the bills and he thinks you're all stupid, why should he work when he can sponge off you all? He thinks he's too clever to work.
He needs a massive reality check Op, he thinks he'll live off family and probably GFs forever. Get your DH on side and give him one last chance, if he doesn't shape up out he goes. And make sure you warn any other family who'll do what you did

It doesn't give teens and young adults excuses not to get a job and be part of society.

Where is his father in all of this?

We have heard his mother doesn't want him (which is terrible btw given he only graduated last summer)
But what about dad?

Why isn't he more involved?

Parents washing their hands of their adult children when they have enabled them,
Is poor. Especially palming them off on relatives with a young family of their own.

He sounds like he is in a rut and could do with being parented. This is what parents are for.

And some therapy.

It doesn’t excuse being unable to take on basic adult responsibilities and treat others with respect and consideration. Which this 23 year old seems unable to do.

There have always been young people like this.

They just weren't on your radar as they were either generally from very wealthy or extremely poor backgrounds. The first lot lived off their parents while the second off the state.

He is a 23 year old grown man! Tell him if he doesn't start contributing he is out of your house, it might be the kick up the arse he needs, he isn't your responsibility and as your brother and SIL don't want him at their house that just shows what he's like, don't pander to him he is taking advantage

Sure, I totally believe this research. I taught university for 30 years but I also know that if you don’t set firm boundaries and expectations, young people can go off the rails. There isn’t as much sense of future consequences. You have to set the bar and make them reach it until they have enough self regulation to do it themselves.

Eh? You don’t believe in the biological sciences? Or medical research?

Have you read any recent studies about the adolescent brain? It matures over a long period of time and doesn’t stop developing, on average, until mid twenties.

https://hr.mit.edu/static/worklife/youngadult/brain.html

This is a fairly recent discovery.

Yup. you need to set a deadline. He needs to talk to your friend in industry, get a job and move out. He’s 23, not 13, which is what is behaviour is like. I’ve known much more polite 13 year olds.

I’ve always secretly worried that I’m a bit of a pushover but this thread is making me wonder if I’m actually a heartless bitch because I’d have cracked months ago and told this entitled loser to get a job, contribute physically and financially to the household and stop being a rude twat or get the fuck out of my home.

He's 23, he’s had 6 months of a “stop gap” at his aunt’s house and instead of being grateful for all the support he’s doing fuck all but being a prick. No wonder his mother doesn’t want him to move back home with her.

ETA not having a pop at OP with the above but I’m amazed at how many replies advise being even more patient and understanding than OP and her husband have been already.

Do not let him, the lazy lay about, go to his Gran's.

You need to have the same conversation but you do have to overlook tears. Allow him to stay for a further set time (four weeks) if he is transparent about fining a job, accepts help to do so, gets up every morning and gets dressed and goes to work (out of your home for eight hours) searching for work (local employment agency, library) and helping in the local distribution food charity, and contributes to the home chores.

You need to have reasonable boundaries and stick to them.

His poor Gran should only be saddled with him once he has found a full time job and has learnt to - get up, dress up and show up.

Why are so many of his generation like this? What young people have we brought up?

It's alarming isn't it?

Anyways, he def needs to get his head on. He needs to be productive and find somewhere to live independently. Can he get careers advice from the job centre? Do they offer programmes?

I would force this on him. You have enough on. He doesn't help. He hasn't looked for a job so breached your agreement. He therefore has to move out. This will make him homeless. He needs to talk to housing. He'll go in a hostel then it's up to him cos there's no gaming there....

He won't accrue tenants rights as he's a lodger.

Lodgers have few rights and can be told to leave with days notice. The minimum is normally 7 days but it can be less if it's agreed.

I laugh because, at 23, we are all supposed to think that on your 25th birthday, your brain all of a sudden matures. Anything doctors and psychologists come up with is disingenuous. They are the ones who thought giving women hysterectomies would "cure" them being upset/emotional/anxious and lobotomies would "cure" insanity.

I'd tell him if he hasn't secured ANY form of work within 2 months he will need to move out and that he needs to sort his wake/sleep schedule to that of a normal person and start showing some respect in your home.

Well that’s the point isn’t it? Doesn’t sound like he’s been actively looking for a job