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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL is a hoarder and it’s bothering me

38 replies

Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:20

So my MIL stays 5 hours away from us. Unfortunately she is a hoarder and the house is literally full of stuff to the point you can’t navigate between rooms. She also has cats and one dog and the place smells strongly of cat urine. We have a 2 year old daughter and she has never been into the house. I have only been in once briefly to use the toilets. This is due to a mix of reasons. We have never been invited in. DH was too embarrassed in the early days of our relationship to take me in.

The distance means if we do go through we stay at a hotel (which is a cost we don’t need).

Her adult kids gutted her house 10 years ago but it’s back to this. They have also tried speaking to her about getting support etc but she doesn’t really want to talk about it.

AIBU? Feel frustrated as we can’t even go in her house when we visit as we never get invited in, plus not safe for DD. She loves babysitting but having DD stay at hers for a few nights not an option as it’s not safe .

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:49

Dearg · 22/02/2025 21:33

Why are you getting the food/ sorting her room? Where is your husband in this scenario? I don’t mean leave it to him alone, but she’s his mum. He should be doing his share.

He does help. I guess it’s a team effort. I’m probably more aware of what needs to be done properly tho. Plus she also has a large dog who needs to stay with us whenever she stays as she doesn’t have a dog sitter. Which is ok but can be a lot of work for a full weekend if she wants to babysit DD for a few hours while we grab dinner.

OP posts:
BlwyddynNewydd · 22/02/2025 21:45

Contact the local fire service safeguarding. Let them know that the house is in this state. If there's a fire, they need to know so that they can manage the risk.

It's very sad, but I don't think you can help her really. Maybe signpost her to some local services. If she was willing to let the house be gutted previously, it may be worth doing the same again.

Original poster
Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:44

Ponoka7 · 22/02/2025 21:37

Hoarding is a mental illness and isn't a choice, as posters are claiming. My sister is a hoarder, it's a trauma response, in her case. She's been through therapy. Have you asked your DH why it isn't openly spoken about?

Yes I definitely agree it’s a mental health issue. Her children ( in their 30s now) don’t know why she does it. DH and I speak openly about it and he says he’s spoken to her so many times about it but nothing changes. I would be interested to know what has actually caused it. As you say maybe a trauma response but it’s not something I have been able to find out from DH as I don’t think he knows the root cause. A lot of it is her kids childhood toys etc. and then the usual junk etc you would expect. The smell is also concerning as the ammonia cat urine smell can’t be good for her health.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:40

ThighsYouCantControl · 22/02/2025 21:32

Nothing. She doesn’t want help apparently so what can be done? Force your way into her home and chuck her stuff in a skip? If you can’t afford to visit, then that’s that.

I get it, my mum has mental health issues and is a hoarder but I leave her to it. If she agrees to me helping to clear her house I will gladly roll up my sleeves and get stuck in but she doesn’t.

True. I have considered mentioning to her that it’s sad that her grandchildren won’t be able to build memories in her home with her. This is probably the main thing I am genuinely sad about for her. But it’s hard to find the words.

But yes I guess it’s down to her if she would like to ask for help.

OP posts:
Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/02/2025 21:37

As the child of a hoarder I know how frustrating it can be but it is a mental health issue not a life style choice. I think you have to accept that she won't change unless she seeks help. Nothing you can say will change anything for the better.

Children are excellent at accepting people exactly as they are so MIL can still have a great relationship with your DC while only seeing them at your house.

Ponoka7 · 22/02/2025 21:37

Hoarding is a mental illness and isn't a choice, as posters are claiming. My sister is a hoarder, it's a trauma response, in her case. She's been through therapy. Have you asked your DH why it isn't openly spoken about?

MumChp · 22/02/2025 21:34

Nothing. I would welcome her in our home.

Original poster
Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:33

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 22/02/2025 21:23

I’d do nothing.

She’s chosen hoarding over her family. She’s told you exactly where you stand. Her hoard will always come before your child.

If you can’t afford hotels then just don’t go. If she can’t clear a spare room for you then she probably doesn’t want guests. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes true . DH likes us to go through from time to time as it’s his original place of birth. We can just about afford it but always feel a bit sad as would be a nicer experience to stay in his family home. But yes you are right she has made her choice. I have considered mentioning it to her but it’s hard to find the words. I also wonder if she thinks it’s strange she has never had any of her grandchildren or her children’s grown up partners into her house

OP posts:
Dearg · 22/02/2025 21:33

Why are you getting the food/ sorting her room? Where is your husband in this scenario? I don’t mean leave it to him alone, but she’s his mum. He should be doing his share.

ThighsYouCantControl · 22/02/2025 21:32

Nothing. She doesn’t want help apparently so what can be done? Force your way into her home and chuck her stuff in a skip? If you can’t afford to visit, then that’s that.

I get it, my mum has mental health issues and is a hoarder but I leave her to it. If she agrees to me helping to clear her house I will gladly roll up my sleeves and get stuck in but she doesn’t.

Original poster
Starry4321 · 22/02/2025 21:30

Littlecaf · 22/02/2025 21:23

Nothing, I honestly don’t think I’d do anything. If she doesn’t want support and won’t clear it out then not sure you can force her. I wouldn’t let my child go to hers, so she’ll just have to come to yours to babysit.

Yes, she always comes to ours to babysit. Because of the distance this means she has to stay over for a day or two each time. This is fine every so often but it’s an additional pressure on me as means I need to get her food in and sort our spare room every time. I guess I am just sad as it would be so lovely for her to have DD in her own home to make those memories. Some of my fondest memories are in my own grans house. Thankfully my own mum has a suitable home for visiting.

I have considered saying something to her but I always bite my tongue!

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 22/02/2025 21:23

I’d do nothing.

She’s chosen hoarding over her family. She’s told you exactly where you stand. Her hoard will always come before your child.

If you can’t afford hotels then just don’t go. If she can’t clear a spare room for you then she probably doesn’t want guests. Actions speak louder than words.

Littlecaf · 22/02/2025 21:23

Nothing, I honestly don’t think I’d do anything. If she doesn’t want support and won’t clear it out then not sure you can force her. I wouldn’t let my child go to hers, so she’ll just have to come to yours to babysit.