Dds(11) older friend(16)

That sounds like a good idea, best of luck hope it goes well.
I know someone on here said that me having a 12 year old who is good friends with a bunch of 15 year olds is vastly different to 11 & 16 (is your daughter 12 this year? Has the other girl recently turned 16 or is she 17 this year?). But I see it as a good friendship group, they met & bonded through sport & socialise a lot outside of the sport on weekends etc (they're not at the same schools). It's been nothing but positive for me & these girls have been a good influence on my daughter & look out for her.
So totally depends on the kid imo.
You can get a feel for her by meeting her & also maybe hosting her in the future if it goes well.
Let us know how it goes!

It would be a no from me.

A 16yo is like an adult compared to an 11yo. I wouldn't like the power imbalance and a 1-1 friendship at that age is very unusual.

My 10yo has older friends, met through sport, but wouldn't hang out 1-1 together. That is a very different thing. A group setting/ mentor type friendship is one thing, but going on trips out just them? No way.

Just re-read & saw that a teacher at school made the link between the girls, not that they do the sport together outside of school & have bonded that way.
That puts a different spin on it.
Not sure how I'd feel about that the fact the teacher put them together, is the older girl lacking friends her own age maybe?
I'd definitely have the girl over if you decide to go with the friendship. See how that goes.

This is one of the unnatural things about schools - the age segregation. We home schooled one of our kids and in home school groups there were lots of mixed age friendships, it was really beneficial in that the older ones would take the younger ones under their wing.

I would want to meet her. She might be really lovely but I would want to check.

Alright?

A 12 and 15 year old is different to a 11 and 16 year old. A year or two is huge at that age.

I haven’t read the thread, but my Y8 daughter has a friend in Y11. They met through their sport outside of school, and go to different schools, so their year groups weren’t particularly significant. They probably became good friends when DD was in Y5 so she would have been Y8? My daughter is pretty mature - by which I mean sensible, practical, filled with common sense, not that she’s interested in boys etc, as she isn’t. The Y11 friend has been late to develop & quite young for her age. They actually went to town together last weekend, and have had sleepovers etc. we were commenting on how weird it is that the Y11 friend is actually only one year younger than my DD1 and will be at college with her next year, when she’s always been friends with DD2. So… from my experience it’s been a really nice friendship for DD2 & no concerns.

Secondary school teacher here. I would not allow this if it was my DD. As you say, there is a massive gap developmentally and emotionally between an 11yo and a 16yo. In school, yr 11s do not even take yr 7s under their notice, and it would be a cause for concern to staff if a yr 11 was hanging around with a yr 7 pupil.

If it’s the case that the older girl struggles socially or has additional
needs, that could quickly become a burden to your daughter. If it was a group of them from the hobby/activity, all knocking about together occasionally, that might be slightly different, but a 1-to-1 friendship, no. Teenage girl friendships can be fiercely intense at the best of times.

Whilst it may be innocent enough, there is, at the very least, an obvious power imbalance between those ages, and the older child could have nefarious motives of one type or another. If it was a 16 year old boy, you would definitely have already put the brakes on this.

I would totally put the dampeners on this, encourage your DD’s friendships with her own age group and keep close tabs on the situation. The texting worries me too. Personally, I think parents should always be monitoring what children under 16 are doing on their phones, so you need to know the content of any text messaging.

It's unusual but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's anything dodgy about it. The older girl might like the thought of being a sort of mentor to your DD, as they already have an interest in common. She might have younger sisters or cousins and be very used to interacting with people your DD's age. She might also be quite shy or lonely and like the thought of being friends with someone she doesn't have to try too hard to impress.

I would do the same thing I would do if my 11 year old wanted to go out with any new friend - say yes on condition that I get to meet the friend first, and if possible one of their parents, just to check that they are also happy with what's going on. If you spend some time with the girl and don't get a good feeling about it, then you can decide not to let them go out alone together. But she might be well-meaning, and if she is, then it could be quite a nice experience for your DD to be taken seriously by her and spend some time together.

Are you sure that the other girl offered to go shopping together? It could be that she mentioned shopping plans and DD asked to join her and the other girl was too polite to say “ no” or genuinely didn’t mind.
My DD knows a girl 4 years younger through hobby and tbh I could imagine this sort of conversation between them.

I would ask to see txts. And in generally I would introduce a rule that at this stage you have to meet a friend or DD needs to know them at least for certain period before they go out on their own. It’s not only this girl , there might be other girls from school so at least until year 9 I would do that.

I'd want to meet the girl first.
But I think you are being a little unreasonable to immediately write off this friendship.
I had a friend a few years younger at school. We bonded over a group we did. We are still friends to this day!!
What do you think the issue is?
The friend probably likes being looked up to. Your daughter probably likes having an older friend.
It's only a problem if she's not a very nice girl. Which you can find out by inviting her over. If she seems like a good person then I wouldn't worry about the age difference.

My 12 year old has 15 year old friends from a sport. They just clicked & get on really well.

If the 16 yr old spends a lot of time doing this sport, perhaps she hasn’t forged many other friendships. She might just feel really comfortable around your daughter because of their shared interest.

@fredisnothere YANBU to be concerned. This happened to my DD when she was 11 - a girl of 15 from the next street started hanging out with her. Within a few weeks, our DD was pinching money out our coin jar, was caught shoplifting from the corner shop and also was caught trying to let car tyres down! The older girl was egging her on to do all this and I think DD was “flattered” by the attention of an older/cooler girl and going along with it - the older girl never got her hands dirty so to speak - she just “made” DD do all these things. I spoke to the girl’s parents and DD was banned from seeing her and thankfully all the bad behaviour stopped.

Of course I’m not saying anything like this will happen with your DD, but it is a bit unusual for those ages to mix on an equal footing - the older child will almost always be “in control” of the friendship and what they do when hanging out.

My child is year 11 but their friendship group spans from year 8-11 as they all attend the same groups.
Theres so many of them that I think it’s quite nice that kids of all school years can be friends. They go for food a lot, bowling, hang out etc.

Can I just say - this is what I totally thought when my friend admitted as a 16 year old had hung out as a friend with an 11 year old. Put me off. YANBU at all

I’d love to say “ah no it’s fine” and feel that I’m being laid back about stuff like this but thing is - when a friend of mine who was around 30 at the time said he’d been friends at 16 with an 11 year old girl - to the point she came to stay with him as they lived in different cities - it put me off him tbh

i Know this is a bloke and you’re talking about 2 girls OP - but still I feel j can’t show double standard

nothing dodgy on between my friend and the 11 year old j just felt he might have difficulty mixing with kids his own age

But does she socialise outside of the dance club with the older ones? I’d say being part of a group chat is very different to actually going out with the young ones

My DD dances and has made a lot of friends through dance who are older or younger than her. It’s more like a sibling relationship. She is in Y11 (she’s 15 not 16) and has friends who are in Y7, and she also has friends who are now finished school (were Y13 last year).

Initially I did have some reservations about the much older ones and the sort of influence they may be having, but I have monitored things and I’m happy that they are lovely girls who do always behave appropriately around the younger ones.

The one time I saw an inappropriate text exchange amongst the group, one of the Y7s was included. I said to DD that it was not okay especially because of the Y7 being involved, and DD said that she started it, and showed me evidence which seemed to support that. So if the younger one started it, there is no reason to believe she wouldn’t do it with friends her own age - she doesn’t need to be hanging out with Y11s for her to behave badly.

Anyway this isn’t quite a five year gap but not far off. It’s four years.

at a minimum, you can drag the teacher into this and make sure they NEVER work again..

WTF??!

Do you let her go out alone with other 11 year olds? What do you know about the other girl. It does seem unusual.
To me the most likely scenario is a 16 year old who is struggling socially with her own peer group. Maybe some SEN or just an immature 16 year old. It seems unlikely the teacher would have connected them if there were concerns about the older child. Can you be very close by? I think I would say yes but ask to meet the girl first and then be in town, a 5 min phone call away if needed.