To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

Oh, this is it, OP. This really feels like it’s the root of the problem - she doesn’t view you or relate to you as an equal adult; you’re almost part of her brood, as someone who’s been around and part of the furniture since pretty much childhood. The others are more new and exotic; they’re women she’s had to treat from the get-go as adults, and though there’s an implication she needs to mother them in some way, I suspect she sees them more as peers and feels the need to impress and cosy up to them in a way that doesn’t feel necessary with you.

In other words, she takes your solid and longstanding relationship - and your loyalty - for granted, whereas with the others she feels the need to work a bit harder to maintain and nourish those ties.

It does sound like there was never an intention to purposely exclude you and they’ve all just got into a pattern without really thinking about how shitty and thoughtless they’re being, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

They should be scrabbling to apologise and make it up to you, but it sounds more like your MIL is doubling down into defensive mode atm, so don’t hold your breath. Whilst I don’t think you should do or say anything drastic, as it sounds like your extended family is otherwise a pretty happy unit, and that’s worth a lot, you’re perfectly entitled to let them know how much their thoughtlessness has hurt you, so let them stew and worry for a bit. Might make them think a bit harder next time.

I think you are meant to report to HQ if you have concerns; not troll hunt.

Whether op has a baby or not is relevant to
this thread, but posters are allowed to change up the number of children they have in different threads to protect their anonymity.

@Sacredhandbag - I’m probably being really thick but if you weren’t on mat leave, would you normally be able to join the lunches?

I think your MIL has been insensitive and in your shoes I would be feeling hurt but it reads to me like something which evolved very organically and became a habit at a time when you couldn’t join.

Also, having a new baby around could be a bit different from having older pre-school children around.

I agree they’ve been thoughtless and your MIL has handled it poorly but I don’t think it’s necessarily an “anti-you” thing.

You aren’t at all being unreasonable to be upset but I’m just thinking it might not be about liking you or not liking you but just a habit formed at a time when you couldn’t join.

If the kids are 7 and 11 they wouldn't be coming to these lunches and spending time with cousins anyway, unless it was school holidays

What a lot of fuss about nothing. People are allowed to like you less than other people, even if (or especially if ) it’s a family/IL situation where they didn’t choose you. Your MIL and/or your SILs just prefer one another’s company. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either you or them, they’re just not seeking you out outside of family occasions where you’d naturally be present..

Are you actually saying you wouldn’t have helped MIL with laundry while she was ill if you knew she was socialising with your SILs? That seems insanely petty to me.

I would turn up pretending that you didn’t know they were going to be there

That's mean. I know a little of how it feels, my DM used to have my sister and her kids over for dinner once a week and not invite me and my young kids. My DH had sport that night so wouldn't have come, it would have just been me and two little ones who would have loved a routine like that where they saw their cousins. But nope. Never invited. When I brought it up with my sister a few years later she completely denied the entire thing, which is fairly typical of my family. I would remain polite but don't forget it, and don't do any more favours for your MIL, she can get the favoured SILs to run her errands for her now.

I just read her last thread and couldn’t see anything else about wanting a third??

FFS. What a waste of time, again.

Why do people do this? It's it some kind of weird attention seeking?

They are almost certainly not going to apologise. I think she should put her phone away, grey rock them, and get on with it.

Great though it is that op’s dh stuck up for her, and her bil to a certain extent, I think I would have preferred to handle this myself.

Next time I was alone with mil, I would have asked her directly why you hadn’t been included and how you found out. Then you would have got to see her honest, unfiltered reaction. And instead of becoming a big family ruction, it keeps it simple.

Then you could have seen whether it was a genuine oversight (unlikely) or whether there was some other reason. And it would have also given you the opportunity
to discuss and make your point gracefully without the whole family becoming involved. I do think it’s disgraceful that she excluded op’s gc too.

I am not saying it is this, but if say it was a problem like the cousins not getting along, then that might be a legitimate reason for not telling Op, for fear of hurting her feelings. As it is, it’s very hurtful to find out that you have been excluded for a year though !

In your shoes Op, I would be expecting a bunch of flowers and a face to face apology.

Nope, I did not say that. Inventing comments is a bit mad though! 😅😅😅

As you know I responded to a poster who claimed that if there was a realistic reason not to like the OP it would have been discussed and in direct reply I gave three different possible scenarios where that might not be the case.

And then specifically stated I was not saying it IS that, but that not all issues are easy to bring up and sometimes easier to simply avoid.

In her other post she doesn’t say ‘I only have two children… they are 7 and 11’

why can’t she be on mat leave?

Mumsnet is mad! 😂😂😂 one poster has just said it could be because she flirts with her brother in law and anther says well her MIL probably sees her out for lunch all the time with her friends and hasn’t invited her…

why do people invent scenarios?? She’s even said she found mat leave lonely so why would you invent a scenario where by OP is out for lunch all the time

Just excuses op. You know how they really feel about you, even with all the apologising. Not one of them thought of you and your dcs.
It's so hurtful and I'd definitely step back from them and not help mil out anymore.

Nah. I definitely don't. What I have done is be rational and explore different possiblities. That you are so wedded to not doing that is your choice and says a lot about you.

And nope, doing favours for someone does not mean someone is kind or helpful, necessarily, though it could, and sometimes does.

@user1492757084 Once you heard of the outing, Op, why did you not just inquire while you were out having coffee with your SILs or MIL one time? that, sadly, is the whole point of this thread! she was not privvy to the coffee invitations!

I was thinking that. Any of the others could have spoken about it but feels like they're all the same

OP has said that she regularly posts in the family WhatsApp group asking to meet up and she receives no responses from her SILs or her MIL.

She found out about the regular lunches from the cafe owner.

I hope you are ok. It’s never great being made to feel hurt. 💐💐