Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU unreasonable to feel upset about this .......

165 replies

Mossley · 22/02/2025 11:51

I've been seeing my partner for 20 months now, he has 3 daughters, they obviously message each other which is all good, nice to see them close as a family.

But I caught sight of a message between him and one of his daughters recently that left me feeling upset. Basically we were sitting on the couch and he put his phone next to me to charge and then went the loo. His phone wasn't locked and what caught my eye, was he'd left WhatsApp open and there was a picture of my cupboard in my home that had been sent as part of a message.

I knew I shouldn't have read it but I did. So to put this in context I've been feeling quite anxious about the state of world affairs and the looming potential of World War 3 and I saw an add to buy vacuum packed ready meals that last years. So I bought a box of them and put them in the cupboard. So my partner had taken a photo of the cupboard, sent it to his daughter and said 'Trying to get my coat out of the nuke' storage cupboard'. Both of them reply with a trail of laughing emojis and then his daughter says 'What a whopper'
He then replies 'You don't know the half of it, really"

There's a part of me that thinks its funny, but then there's another part of me that thinks its mean and they are both laughing at me. It's also made me wonder what other things he's telling them and whether I'm regularly just the butt of jokes. Also I feel something like that should be private and so what other stuff is he disclosing? It's made me feel like an outsider in his life.

So, am I just being just being too sensitive and I should just 'man-up' or do I have a right to feel uneasy about this? Thanks.

OP posts:
Daysgo · 22/02/2025 17:13

Banter with you present is fine, taking photos of something you've done and mocking you with other people because of it is scumbag behaviour.

I'd dump him. And yeah he can be annoyed about you looking at his phone but on the plus side you now know who he is, and also what do you care what someone like him thinks?

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 22/02/2025 17:05

twindy · 22/02/2025 15:17

It's the use of the word "whopper" I really don't like. Where I live it's used derogatorily rather than playfully. That's really not pleasant.

Interesting. Down here a “whopper” isn’t generally used derogatorily. Someone might say that they had “a whopper of a meal”, meaning the meal was “astounding”, “amazing” or just “huge”. A work colleague “coming out with a real whopper” means they said, or did, something totally unexpected.

But it doesn’t have inherent negative connotation. Fascinating that the meaning can change from region to region.

Coconutter24 · 22/02/2025 16:43

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 16:27

DARVO alert.

But hey, it's only banter innit. Phones are sacred. A much worse sin to touch a phone than being a wierdo taking pictures of his GFs cupboard so he can mock her with others.

Edited
Show quote history

DARVO get a grip!!
He shouldn’t be having a laugh at OP, equally no one should be looking through anyone’s phone. OP can’t talk about privacy after sneaking a look at someone’s phone

TiggyTomCat · 22/02/2025 16:38

Sharptonguedwoman · 22/02/2025 13:43

'Banter'. Excuse for nastiness often enough, or bullying.

Show quote history

Perhaps sometimes but not in our family. I do know the difference too as what my Dad and brother deemed banter to me growing up was indeed bullying and not at all funny.

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 16:28

thepariscrimefiles · 22/02/2025 16:04

The charging phone was right next to her. She saw a picture of something in her house and read the caption. I can't think of anyone that wouldn't read it if it was clear that a message was about them. It isn't her DH's house, so he is breaching her privacy by sending pictures of her home. He's pretty horrible to do this in order to mock her to his daughter.

You are not qualified to diagnose OP with any mental health condition. The world seems very dangerous at the moment and people are reacting in different ways.

Show quote history

I am not diagnosing anyone.

OP said she had anxiety and not a MH condition and I pointed out that anxiety is a MH condition.
Which is just facts.

I would not read someone else’s text if it was next to me and I would expect someone else to give me the same level of respect.

You obviously would read someone else’s messages and be ok with someone reading yours which is ok for you but myself and others on here have different boundaries.

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 16:27

Coconutter24 · 22/02/2025 16:23

Also I feel something like that should be private

You feel like the fact you are buying vacuum packed food should be private but not your partners phone?

DARVO alert.

But hey, it's only banter innit. Phones are sacred. A much worse sin to touch a phone than being a wierdo taking pictures of his GFs cupboard so he can mock her with others.

Coconutter24 · 22/02/2025 16:23

Also I feel something like that should be private

You feel like the fact you are buying vacuum packed food should be private but not your partners phone?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 22/02/2025 16:13

I suppose the question is, how do you feel about his treatment of you generally? Did you have a niggly feeling and this has just confirmed it? Or is this a one off?

thepariscrimefiles · 22/02/2025 16:04

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 15:54

I didn’t mean to offend.

But yes anxiety is a MH issue.

When it affects your day to day life then it could be classed as a disorder.
Not saying you have GAD but your choices are more extreme than the average person and so it is something that I would personally keep an eye on.

And you read a message that was on his phone, which I would consider a red flag.

You may be happy with him reading your messages but I would not like it if my DH did this to me.

Show quote history

The charging phone was right next to her. She saw a picture of something in her house and read the caption. I can't think of anyone that wouldn't read it if it was clear that a message was about them. It isn't her DH's house, so he is breaching her privacy by sending pictures of her home. He's pretty horrible to do this in order to mock her to his daughter.

You are not qualified to diagnose OP with any mental health condition. The world seems very dangerous at the moment and people are reacting in different ways.

TemporaryPosition · 22/02/2025 15:55

coldcallerbaiter · 22/02/2025 12:52

Because of ppl hoarding.

Had a friend who bought TP and hoarded, I not only took the piss out of her with a TP emoji but I thought she was incredibly selfish.

Show quote history

It's not hoarding when you did it way before it occurs to anyone else. I did this when Covid was still a "racist right wing conspiracy theory". Not once lockdowns were announced. We already had what we needed when the shelves were full

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 15:54

Mossley · 22/02/2025 15:36

Wow, thanks for the sweeping judgement about having mental health issues, clearly you are a qualified psychiatric consultant. I have some anxieties about the current escalating situation in world politics, particularly in regards to the threat of war and impending tariffs that may affect supply chains, but it doesn't put me in the mentally ill category. I don't know a person who isn't worried about the current situation.

As for the red flag about going through his phone, I've never gone through his phone, I saw the photo of my cupboard on his phone screen did a double take and saw the writing immediately below it. I didn't scroll through his phone or forensically examine it, the information was right in front of me.

Show quote history

I didn’t mean to offend.

But yes anxiety is a MH issue.

When it affects your day to day life then it could be classed as a disorder.
Not saying you have GAD but your choices are more extreme than the average person and so it is something that I would personally keep an eye on.

And you read a message that was on his phone, which I would consider a red flag.

You may be happy with him reading your messages but I would not like it if my DH did this to me.

Original poster
Mossley · 22/02/2025 15:36

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 15:13

I think it’s quite normal to poke light hearted fun at people as a way of normalising it.

My mum also has MH issues and my siblings way of dealing with it is to make a joke to each other about it.

You know you are acting irrationally and instead of him going on that you are mad and explaining how that item is not going to do any good etc. he has let you carry on knowing that it puts your mind at rest but as he also knows it’s not ‘normal’ then he’s dealing with it in a light hearted way.

I think the bigger red flag here is you going through his phone and reading his private messages between him and his children.

Wow, thanks for the sweeping judgement about having mental health issues, clearly you are a qualified psychiatric consultant. I have some anxieties about the current escalating situation in world politics, particularly in regards to the threat of war and impending tariffs that may affect supply chains, but it doesn't put me in the mentally ill category. I don't know a person who isn't worried about the current situation.

As for the red flag about going through his phone, I've never gone through his phone, I saw the photo of my cupboard on his phone screen did a double take and saw the writing immediately below it. I didn't scroll through his phone or forensically examine it, the information was right in front of me.

OP posts:
CaptBirdsEar · 22/02/2025 15:32

I'd be upset too OP

I saw a message on partners phone, left open next to me, in which his son age 40 referred to me as having a"bat" phone and being riff raff.

Should I have been upset by that?

I was.

arcticpandas · 22/02/2025 15:32

He obviously thinks you're ridiculous, which is fine I suppose if he told you so straight to your face. Sneaking around taking pictures in YOUR house and sending to his daughter to laugh at how batshit you are is not funny. It's disrespecful and hurtful. It sounds as they have form for making fun of you. Her calling you a whopper and his response just tells me they don't respect you at all. If you think about your relationship in general, do you feel respected? I would probably put an end to the relationship if I were you because I couldn't stand this lack of respect from a partner.

honeyrider · 22/02/2025 15:32

He's probably taken other photos in your house and I wouldn't be surprised if he's sent them to his DD too.

Not a nice thing to do.

JMSA · 22/02/2025 15:32

I'm honestly not an overly sensitive person and take the piss out of myself a lot.
But there is something about that interaction with his daughter that really doesn't sit comfortably with me. The 'you don't know the half of it' is worse than the actual photo, in my opinion. It seems disrespectful.

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 15:30

Also to add, I suspect this isn't the first time he's done it.

Don't be embarrassed. It's your house you can do what you like. But just consider is this what you want for your relationship, to constantly wonder if he's being unkind behind your back.

CaptainBeanThief · 22/02/2025 15:28

No, it's fucking nasty.
It's clearly not meant in a "light hearted manner" that PP are falling over each other and telling the OP how wrong she is for looking at his phone.

He took a picture of her cupboard and then sent it to his daughter with a nasty comment ( clearly taking the piss) then his bitch of a daughter makes a nasty remark.

There are a lot of people understandably worried about WW3 at the moment. Just because you and I aren't doesn't mean we can take the piss out of people that are.

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 15:24

@Mossley Honestly I think that his behaviour would give me the ick.

He's clearly happy to use you as the butt of jokes with his DDs which shows a very unkind side. This would be a turn off for me. I'd be constantly wondering what else he was taking pictures of and laughing about whilst my home.

If it were me I take some time away from him and have a good think.

foureightnine · 22/02/2025 15:23

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 15:19

I think this is way too OTT.

Cash in different denominations, freezing and storing bottles of water, having camping equipment ready etc just seems pointless.

Most people do not have the money or space in their homes to be doing such things.

Show quote history

You don’t have to do it. It’s up to you. There are several on this post, from other countries, who have said that it is normal and expected to take responsibility of your own.You don’t have to in the UK. Nothing is being expected of you.

KrisAkabusi · 22/02/2025 15:22

potatopaws · 22/02/2025 12:43

Agree. I don’t want to drift off topic, but I don’t think the world actually would end in the blink of an eye.

There are nuclear missiles being tested all the time in the middle of the oceans and places like Siberia. We hear now and again about earthquakes etc as a consequence of North Korea or wherever setting them off.
These bombs are being exploded fairly regularly. It will be horrible if some get dropped in a populous area, but the world isn’t just going to end for everyone not directly affected by the blast

Show quote history

No there aren't. North Korea is the only country regularly testing. They have had a total of 7 tests this century. No other country has tested since 1998. Despite what you may read on the Internet, it's not easy to hide a nuclear explosion!

twindy · 22/02/2025 15:20

Whopper to me means dickhead, idiot, fool

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 15:19

foureightnine · 22/02/2025 15:13

OP if you were in my country you would be fully expected to be prepared, to help yourself and others. I would not have bought the food you did, but there are other things you can do. It’s not just about a war. There could easily be cyber attacks.

I find it odd that the UK government don’t expect more of you or just leave you to it.
You all seem to joke about it.

OP there is a very good list in this brochure, which has been sent to all households.

rib.msb.se/filer/pdf/30874.pdf

I think this is way too OTT.

Cash in different denominations, freezing and storing bottles of water, having camping equipment ready etc just seems pointless.

Most people do not have the money or space in their homes to be doing such things.

twindy · 22/02/2025 15:17

It's the use of the word "whopper" I really don't like. Where I live it's used derogatorily rather than playfully. That's really not pleasant.

foureightnine · 22/02/2025 15:15

To add, we also know where to go if there actually was a war/crises signal. Basically there is a garage in every street which functions as a bunker. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know where their nearest one is.