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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

High earner partner moved in - CB lost

144 replies

WhoevenamIinlife · 22/02/2025 11:25

Hi everyone just looking for perspectives.
My partner has been living with me covering 50% of bills and rent since day one. Recently has moved to a higher wage bracket which means I am no longer entitled to CB for my children (2 not his).
we initially agreed I would keep the CB and he would pay back the tax bill which I thought was fair as I lost out on other things too ie childcare, single discount council tax and also the fact we have separate finances and it wasn't one pot.
He has since raised it with me after paying the tax bill saying it wasn't fair and he would rather just give me that money for the kids without going through HMRC and thinks I should be more flexible as he pays more when we go out etc, household big shops and he does pay/contribute more which cancels out the CB and was quite offended when I said no I prefer it like this because this is not YOU giving me money this is the CB coming directly to me taking away anyone else's power over it. I have told him when we buy together in future and split bills percentage wise I will just stop the CB as it's no longer needed as we run the household together. Just for clarity partners income is just over 3 x mine but will cover huge costs ie a family trip for 5 abroad all his costs, household repairs. Because I have been financially stung before am I being too overly cautious resulting in being greedy?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 22/02/2025 12:50

Knickerbockergrolia · 22/02/2025 11:33

Do you work? Receiving CB automatically gives you National Insurance credits, which count towards your State Pension - so if this makes a difference for you you should definitely keep make sure you keep receiving it

You don't need to receive CB for this. Basically you sign up for it but opt out of receiving the money. That way you still get NI credits.

thirdfiddle · 22/02/2025 12:49

In monetary terms while you're benefiting from him being there in reduced bills etc, you have also lost some benefits; he is also benefiting from sharing bills and hasn't lost benefits because he wasn't getting them in the first place. Also to consider what you are contributing to the household in non-monetary terms. High salary jobs often come with higher levels of commitment too, and less time to help running a household.

At the end of the day, running a household with separate finances and very different incomes is always going to be awkward, particularly with you having the additional financial responsibility for your kids. The danger is one partner holds the purse strings so controls the household. Even if he's entirely supportive and kind, you having some income that mechanically comes direct to you gives you a degree more autonomy than not, and I can see why you would prefer that.

If it turns out that is the only reason he's being asked to complete a tax return, and he is actually earning enough over the threshold to have to pay back all not just a part of it, then I can sympathise with him wanting to do it a different way round. I think important to acknowledge between the two of you that it's difficult for good reasons that aren't either of your faults.

TickingAlongNicely · 22/02/2025 12:49

Not the point of this thread... but I do find it bizarre an unrelated man has more enforcement on paying for children rather than a father who can often get away with paying very little.

RoaryLion1 · 22/02/2025 12:44

YABU OP. CB is based on household income so you aren’t entitled to it any more - it is very generous of him to offer to pay you the CB you’ve lost. Definitely unreasonable to ask him to claim it for you and pay it back fully via his tax return, especially if he wouldn’t otherwise be doing one.

Priddy · 22/02/2025 12:43

Fifthtimelucky · 22/02/2025 11:54

It seems odd to suggest that you are losing out on the single person council tax discount.

You were paying 75% of the normal council tax. If, as you say, your partner is paying half of the bills you are now paying 50% of the council tax.

This. And half the rent. And half the bills. And holidays and trips out which you previously be able to afford. I think you need to give your head a wobble, OP.

Dweetfidilove · 22/02/2025 12:42

YABU! He's paying 50% as he should and have offered you the cash in return. How is that likely to screw you financially?
It may be worth dealing with what happened to you in the past, if it's likely to mess up a good thing. Those experiences are supposed to make you cautious, not unreasonable.

letslaughitoff · 22/02/2025 12:36

Sounds like you want a personal atm not a partner.
Not his kids but paying for them why not ask the real dad for for cm.

chojoko · 22/02/2025 12:36

If the only reason he has to file a tax return is for the child benefit, then I see his point as it is a fairly expensive pain in the arse.

TickingAlongNicely · 22/02/2025 12:36

Are you sure he needs to pay all of it back? It tapers between 60k and 80k.

leamsine · 22/02/2025 12:35

I lost my CB and other benefits when DH and I got married and moved in together. It wasn't an issue as we combine finances once we were married, and we have never quibbled over who pays for what - it's all one pot and all the dcs are just children of the family. I didn't continue claiming CB as I got enough NI credits from Carer's Allowance. But if I didn't have NI credits from elsewhere I'd want to continue claiming CB even without payment.

Genevieva · 22/02/2025 12:34

Receiving CB contributions also mean you are making full NI contributions towards your state pension, even if you are on a very low wage or not working. It’s much better to be in the system and pay it back than not be in the system.

Thelnebriati · 22/02/2025 12:33

I voted YABU because he is your partner, not your husband. You have less protection for the future since you are unmarried.

climbinggary · 22/02/2025 12:33

This is not about money but about independence later in life incase anything happens, she will be left vulnerable. Are you unsure about the relationshi[p long term is probably the bigger question.

HMW1906 · 22/02/2025 12:33

Surely you’re much better off with him living with you even without the CB if he’s now paying 50% of everything (and that’s not even mentioning the holidays he’s 100% paying for). It’s a complete faff having to do a tax return, if the only reason he’s doing one is to pay back the CB then that’s a complete waste of his time. I don’t really understand why it would give you financial security by claiming it direct instead of him paying it to you. Surely if you split up and he moves out then you just start claiming it direct again?? You are no longer eligible to receive it, he doesn’t need to offer to pay you the cash instead, it’s more than fair for him to do that, you are making it more complicated than it needs to be.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/02/2025 12:31

Knickerbockergrolia · 22/02/2025 11:33

Do you work? Receiving CB automatically gives you National Insurance credits, which count towards your State Pension - so if this makes a difference for you you should definitely keep make sure you keep receiving it

You can opt just to have the contribution to state pension recognised and not be paid CB

Caravaggiouch · 22/02/2025 12:27

50% of rent and bills is hundreds and hundreds of pounds, surely? You’re still much better off for living with him than not.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 12:27

mummaofthreeboys · 22/02/2025 11:34

Do you need to receive CB for your NI contributions or are you getting that through your own earnings? I encouraged my husband to keep receiving CB with me paying them back through tax (as the higher earner) for his pension in the long term. Don't give up receiving CB if your earnings don't ensure your NI is paid.

^^This

thirdfiddle · 22/02/2025 12:26

Interesting Candid. Maybe it's just unusual to get to higher rate without having something else going on (interest received, benefits in kind from employer, share options etc) as most people I know who are in the sort of jobs which would be beyond basic rate seem to grumble about them.

HMW1906 · 22/02/2025 12:24

Knickerbockergrolia · 22/02/2025 11:33

Do you work? Receiving CB automatically gives you National Insurance credits, which count towards your State Pension - so if this makes a difference for you you should definitely keep make sure you keep receiving it

You don’t need to receive the child benefit to gain the NI credits. You just need to speak to them and they will apply the NI credits but not pay the cash.

Glorybox2025 · 22/02/2025 12:18

ThatAgileLimeCat · 22/02/2025 12:15

Which tax band is he in? If it's higher rate then he may well have to complete a tax return purely down to the child benefit, which does seem crazy especially as he's contributing to all rent and bills and therefore subsidising the costs of your children

If he's top rate then he would have to do one anyway and with such a high income the 50pwr.cent of bills does seem a little unfair as he would then have loads more disposable income than you.

Having said that, if you have decided to keep finances separate then that's what you have decided and nobody is being unreasonable.

If his wage increase has just tipped him into the bracket that doesn't get CB then he will only be earning the 40% rate so not a top rate taxpayer

ThatAgileLimeCat · 22/02/2025 12:15

Which tax band is he in? If it's higher rate then he may well have to complete a tax return purely down to the child benefit, which does seem crazy especially as he's contributing to all rent and bills and therefore subsidising the costs of your children

If he's top rate then he would have to do one anyway and with such a high income the 50pwr.cent of bills does seem a little unfair as he would then have loads more disposable income than you.

Having said that, if you have decided to keep finances separate then that's what you have decided and nobody is being unreasonable.

WhatWasPromised · 22/02/2025 12:14

As others have said, you can claim CB but not receive the money. I’ve done this for years.

I think YABU too, it would be a lot simpler for him to just give you the cash.

P00hsticks · 22/02/2025 12:13

Knickerbockergrolia · 22/02/2025 11:33

Do you work? Receiving CB automatically gives you National Insurance credits, which count towards your State Pension - so if this makes a difference for you you should definitely keep make sure you keep receiving it

you can specify that you just want the credits without the money though....

CandidHedgehog · 22/02/2025 12:11

thirdfiddle · 22/02/2025 12:07

I think YANBU. As a higher rate tax payer he'd be filling in the tax return anyway. Beyond that it's just ticking a box, probably easier than arranging to give you money direct. Also it tapers if he's only just crossed the threshold, so he wouldn't be paying back as much as the full CB.

Not necessarily. A tax return isn’t needed until someone earns over £150,000 if they are taxed via PAYE and none of the other qualifying requirements are met.

It might well be the child benefit is the only reason a tax return is needed.

https://www.gov.uk/self-assessment-tax-returns/who-must-send-a-tax-return

thirdfiddle · 22/02/2025 12:07

I think YANBU. As a higher rate tax payer he'd be filling in the tax return anyway. Beyond that it's just ticking a box, probably easier than arranging to give you money direct. Also it tapers if he's only just crossed the threshold, so he wouldn't be paying back as much as the full CB.