Volunteering got complicated …..

So report her behaviour, leave your husband and find another charity.

Of course your husband wants you to carry on.
It’s worked out pretty well for him hasn’t it.

I assume he immediately stopped volunteering or changed how he volunteers for it so he’s not in contact with this woman.

Put up a job advert for someone to take over your position and then you can leave without the guilt.

Your relationship has a very odd dynamic.
Not only has your DH been cheating on you, but he’s also encouraging you to continue with the work knowing it means that you have to have a relationship with the OW.
Most people who had cheated and who were begging for forgiveness would be encouraging and helping you leave the charity - not guilt tripping you to stay.

why would you put yourself through attending some kind of panel re sanctioning you from this charity? Why would you continue volunteering with them?? Tell your cheating dh: he’s welcome to go to the panel and clear your name, you aren’t going to put yourself through that solely because he is not only a cheating fucker, but cheats with nasty women who are trying to bully you because he has stayed, you wil lfind something else to do with your time where you don’t have to interact with women he’s cheated with and if the charity folds that would be consequences of your actions and you had better pre pack a bag if you want to blame that on me. Not even one single time, not because he’s mad, not because he’s drunk- blame you once and he can sleep on the street for all you care.

Well, no, it was directed primarily to the woman's behaviour. If she behaved sensibly the issue wouldn't arise at all.

Essentially, although you are a Volunteer, you were wrong by letting your personal circumstances muddy the professional field.

I think the other posters are suggesting that you should not have contacted her and tried to put her off attending. If anything, that was the time to contact someone in authority and explain the situation to them. That person could then have decided whether it was appropriate to approach the OW about attendance at the meeting.

FWIW, it seems completely unfair that her part in this had meant you are essentially trying to bully her out of her role. It does make things difficult for you yes. But that is because your husband didn’t give a thought to you or the charity whilst he was cheating. He has been caught and you should both walk away from this charity whatever the consequences.

"You challenged a woman who was being verbally abusive/disruptive "

"Over the past [X months], I have endured verbal and emotional abuse from X"

@DancingNotDrowning

But op only in her later posts claimed this. And she hasn't clarified how the ow was "verbally attacking" her, in meetings.

The moment you threatened to bring your personal situation into it was when you went wrong. You were quite within your rights to call out her unprofessional behaviour in meetings, but saying you were going to give evidence of her affair with your husband and use something completely unrelated to the organisation to try and keep her away was inappropriate and manipulative. Your husband's affair with her is nothing to do with the charity.

Having been caught in the middle of someone trying to use an affair as a stick to beat someone else with and manipulate them to do their bidding, I can tell you it is a really, really shit place to find yourself and was deeply unhelpful to the organisation it got brought into. I was not the one having the affair, and do not want to go into details.

Please stop using vile misogynistic language, it isn't necessary to get your point across.

Don't take the advice of your cheating husband. Leave the charity if you want. I would also recommend that you leave your DH. He sounds awful.

The problem is you said you would 'take it further'. That could be interpreted as anything from escalating it with the charity (which is what you meant) to hiring a hitman to get rid of her. The issue is that by not specifying what you meant by taking it further you left it open to interpretation, and it could be interpreted as a threat.

Leave the charity, leave the husband.

Neither value you.

Give your energies to people who do.

No, OP just wants to leave the charity. How is that ruining the other women's life?

Leaving aside the affair, the other woman began being rude to OP after OP's DH ended their relationship.

Your indignant support for the other woman is misplaced.

@ItTook9Years

But surely the rules and laws are similar, based on legal. The disciplinary procedure for volunteers is not particularly different, or based on different laws, than employment law. Still the same principles, informal, formal, warnings, dismissal. Etc?

You should have dealt with the woman's behaviour through the organisation, not directly.

You can still raise a complaint against her. I'd do that, see it through ans then decide whether you still want to be involved in the organisation.

Your husband is an arsehole.

I’m very aware that volunteering isn’t the same as employment. She sounds like she doesn’t want to continue volunteering anyway so does it matter if she is removed?

I'd be asking why 'D'H is so keen that I remain with the charity. If you leave and it has to close - does he have an ulterior motive for the charity remaining open?

(Basically I'm wondering if he's now shagging someone else whom he can only meet under cover of the 'charity work'.)

Walk away from ALL of this, OP. Find another charity to support, leave your DH and live your life away from all this toxic behaviour.

Get your H to write to the chair explaining the background, taking full responsibility for the tensions between you and OW, and resigning with immediate effect. Get him to point out that you acted as a result of a problem he created, and ask the trustees to take that into account when reaching their decision.

Oh dear, what a mess. 6 years is a long affair, over half a decade. I wouldn't be surprised if others in the charity knew long ago.
The crucial part if you want to counter her complaint, is do you have evidence of her threatening you?
This panel won't care about any evidence of the affair, they won't be looking into a moral situation. They are investigating you because your message is saying "don't attend the party or I will report you for having an affair" unless you worded it differently in the text to how you worded it in your op? You had no right to ask her not to attend and it was possibly foolish considering the circumstances. I understand it would be uncomfortable but that's what happens in these situations. You could have removed yourself from it all but you chose to stay, therefore you needed to keep a professional head on and not be swayed by emotions. I know it's incredibly hard to do that but it was your choice.
Whatever you choose next, I hope you have some good friends/family around to support you.

There is no “legally” for volunteers. It’s not employment.

I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.

It sounds like you did threaten to expose the affair. That is essentially blackmail. I think you need to admit this to yourself.

Anyway, all this is moot. Drop the rope. Who cares who was right or wrong. Just walk away.

I agree with a pp above who suggested you might be a trustee of the charity. You seem like a strong woman who likes to have control/agency over things, (I say that in a good way, it is an admirable trait) but when one's spouse has an affair that's the ultimate loss of agency and control. It must have been very hard to deal with.

Just let go and walk away from all of it.

You don't need to be investigated by the charity, you don't deserve that ultimately, although you did one bad thing (the blackmail), that hardly counts morally (imo) against the huge amount of good work you've done for the charity. Of course any investigation won't work that way, they'll look at this one event in isolation and find you "guilty" for the blackmail and you'll be humiliated and it'll feel very unfair. So just walk away.

A threat is ‘if you don’t do Y, then I will do X’. You said if you dont miss the meeting I will complain. What you should have done is complain without giving her a threat. You didn’t say ‘if you don’t stop speaking to me like that, I will complain’ that’s not a threat in the same way as it is the correct way to deal with bad behaviour.

"but now they have upheld the complaint"

Why do you think that was? Surely it's occurred to you that they investigated, took HR advice, and that the OW 's complaint was upheld. Why? What was their reasoning, legally, from an HR pov. What are you going to say, that's going to make them change?

This. I don't think you were wrong to be angry at her, but he should be the one getting kicked out of the charity. He is the one you have a relationship with.

Plus, why are you staying with a cheater? He'll do it again.

You had no right to request this woman not to attend the meeting. Your DH is more to blame than her. You are taking revenge on the wrong person. Leave the charity. It's dead in the water. The three of you sound like hardwork.