Volunteering got complicated …..

Why don’t you understand that you have threatened her? If you’d called her out about the way she is behaving at work, you’d have had the moral high ground, but, you threatened to expose an affair she had had. That is personal and nothing to do with her work, you strayed into an unprofessional area that was her private life. I don’t see how they can do anything other than find in her favour, maybe you should have taken this to the trustees a good while ago, explained the situation and how difficult you were finding it working together because of her attitude towards you. They would have put a stop to it, she’d have been in the wrong and win win for you.

I don’t agree with that. OP doesn’t seem that perturbed by the OW in general other than the issue of her verbal attacks that other volunteers have noticed.

That is the basis of this whole issue.

So is placing the blame of affairs on single women and not the married men they are having affairs with.

Because you made an incredibly snotty comment which strongly implied that you are friends with a better class of woman because none of them sleep with married men, while conveniently forgetting that it was your husband, and not the other woman, who betrayed your marriage vows. Your comment also implied it is the woman who is responsible for the infidelity, even when she is single and it is the man she's sleeping with who is married. Which is an incredibly sexist view.

Don't get me wrong, sleeping with a married person is a shitty thing to do, but not half as shitty as cheating on your spouse when YOU are the married one.

That was cruel.

The way I read what you wrote was that if she didn’t fall into line, then you would show everyone the evidence of the affair (the texts etc, not sure if that may include photos but she might be concerned about that). Basically, it read like you blackmailed her. It’s probably how she’s taken it, even if it was not your intention.

I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.

She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.

I feel this is really unfair AIBU?

The bastard and the bitch have been betraying you for years. Your rage and sadness is absolutely understandable. I'd hate to have to work with anyone who'd done that to me. (And no, I have zero respect for women who do that). YANBU there.

You asked her not to go to the thing, and to change her unacceptable behaviour towards you. YANBU there either.

However.

The moment you threatened both to take it further AND to reveal the photographs of their affair comms was the moment you skidded into blackmail. YABU there and I'm not surprised they're calling you out.

Personally I'd look for another organisation to work for, leave her in the dust - and bin the bastard off too.

I can sort of see the point. I think I'd go to their ridiculous hearing and read out a statement where I point out that (a) having a hearing after a grossly unfair procedure at which you were given no chance to put your case is a highly improper way of going about things; (b) you were simply trying to sort out the OW's objectionable behaviour without dragging the whole club into it, but giving her due warning (as is your right) that if she didn't respond you would be left with no choice; (c) you are so disappointed with their response that you don't want to work with them any more, take this as your resignation both as a trustee and a volunteer. Send a copy round to the volunteers and trustees as your final valedictory act.

This.

I mean if you want to be sure not to be blamed you have option of announce the affair in leaving letter/e-mail along line of clearly my DH 6 year affair with x and x subsquent behavior towards me upon my finding out and DH leaving her has led to an unpleasant work atmosphere that I can no longer cope with and will be leaving with immediate affect.

You throw them under the bus and don't have to see anyone again or explain anything further to anyone - you did nothing wrong so don't cover for them.

Or resign and not bother with any of them - and find something else to do with your valuable time and effort.

I think you should work out what's best for you to do and not jump though other people's rings.

If you don't want to carry on volunteering, why are you even thinking about putting your side to the panel rather than just resign & walk away?

I’m absolutely on your side about what’s happening with the ow, but I do think you’re coming across as totally blaming her and not your dh. Speaking from experience if he’s done it once he will do it again, especially when he’s been able to carry on an affair for so long without you knowing and right under your nose.

OP you've been very patient with posters blaming you for your DH/OW behaviour- they must be very strange IRL to think it's your fault or maybe they are cheaters themselves.

But I live in a world where my people don’t screw other peoples husbands. It’s not like there’s a shortage of men as far as I’m aware.

Yet you do live in a world where your own husband screws other women. He didn't have a shortage of women he was actually married to, did he?

Hi,
this is probably just me but why does he get to stay?

you can’t really be sanctioned for “threatening her to tell” however you could for telling her not to go to a meeting she were to attend. You aren’t her boss. You should have taken it to hr and so they can deal with it. They would probably have asked her exactly that but they can.

take the right official roads and you will be fine.

As you're volunteering, or indeed we're employed, your DH doesn't get to say what you do or don't do. I'd leave the charity and DH regardless as surely with DH & OW still there how can you be sure it won't start up again. Good luck

This made me laugh.
We'd reply to the OW YADBU, go and find a single man.
Unless we cannot read properly or bizarrely have sympathy for OW or like to irritate other posters for personal kicks and then we would encourage you to crack on.

I also think if my relationship then got difficult with her, as a result, I’d look inward to my part in it, take a step back, versus raising an actual complaint. Given it’s a volunteer position too?

I mean, imagine the OP from the other side and think what we’d all be saying to them.

‘Hi, I slept with a co-worker’s husband. She found about about it and doesn’t want to work with me. I think it’s because I’ve been going to her meetings and pointing out where she’s not great at her job, in my opinion. She got upset and said she’d report it if I didn’t leave her alone, so I’ve made an official complaint about her and now she’s being sanctioned. AIBU?’

I mean, I have to say, I’ve never slept with a colleague’s husband, made her working life difficult and then expected impeccable behaviour from her. But that’s just me. It’s not really in the employee handbook.

The OW isn’t getting all the blame for the affair.

The OW is getting all the blame for treating OP poorly in their volunteering role.

Work on your reading comprehension, FFS.

Go to the meeting show the way she has been treating you escalate it to a formal complaint against her. Don't mention the affair she can bring it up if she chooses.