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AIBU?

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Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:44

You need to move on and get out of this shit hole place your in. I’m sure your disgusting husband will be crying to have you back. Ugh

InWalksBarberalla · 22/02/2025 01:44

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:38

Can you explain why you are even considering attending this panel? What am I missing? What will actually happen if you just don’t participate?

As for you having to explain your personal life to every Tom Dick and Harry - you really don’t! You can just opt out of all of this.

Show quote history

Exactly this! Tell the lot of them to fuck right off.

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 01:44

Does your “D” H not feel the smallest bit bad he’s put you in this situation with his prolonged selfishness? Has he not offered to have a word with her given he caused this shit storm surely he should be the one to go to the ends of the earth to rectify it?

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:41

Enough4me · 22/02/2025 01:17

Report her, quit the charity and LTB.
Take your enthusiasm, hard work, loyalty etc. and use it for people who respect and care about you.

Yup

Numberfish · 22/02/2025 01:40

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

Give your head a wobble. OP has been brutally treated by this lowlife, who then has the cheek to go running to authority with lies when OP reasonably asks her to stop being difficult or she’ll have to explain why it’s an issue. Are you a used mistress too?

Hwi · 22/02/2025 01:39

Dump the prick, dump this charity.

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:38

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:31

It’s difficult because I’m a volunteer, not an employee. The investigation was conducted by one person, but now they have upheld the complaint it goes to a panel to decide if I need to be sanctioned. The panel is 3 people and I can put forward my case.
tbh I’m kicking myself for not complaining about her behaviour instead of trying to mediate by contacting her. I wanted to avoid discussions about my private life but now I seem to have to explain the situation to every Tom,Dick& Harry!

Show quote history

Can you explain why you are even considering attending this panel? What am I missing? What will actually happen if you just don’t participate?

As for you having to explain your personal life to every Tom Dick and Harry - you really don’t! You can just opt out of all of this.

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 01:37

I understand about not being an employee, but I would look at their policy, the recommended policy put out by the Charity Commission and also see if you can still get a grievance in. If necessary, I might take legal advice from a specialist, because your contact doesn’t sound threatening - it sounds like advice.

endofthelinefinally · 22/02/2025 01:33

I would just message everyone that as my dh is having an affair with one of the volunteers I would be stepping down.
I have volunteered for various organisations all my life. What I have learned is that they won't care if you leave. Much like work places and employers.

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:33

I wouldn’t get involved in a counter-report against the OW. Honestly, life is too short and you just need to extricate yourself from this situation immediately.

If it makes you feel better to send a single email with all your evidence against her attached, then do that and block the lot of them. But I wouldn’t be hanging around waiting for the outcome of some extended grievance process when you’re not even getting paid for any of this stress.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:31

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 00:44

Hi OP

I am a little concerned about how the charity have conducted themselves and wonder if you have looked at their Disciplinary Policy - which they are required to have. Who adjudicated? If it was a panel. were they properly constituted? All sorts of questions.

I imagine a standard policy is available via the Charity Commission so perhaps look there first.

By her previous actions (where people were noticing how off she was) , I think that it could be a case of her bullying/harassing you.

Are you able to Appeal this decision? Or make a Grievance against her? I’d certainly give it a go, and then hopefully the bitch will get her just desserts.

It’s difficult because I’m a volunteer, not an employee. The investigation was conducted by one person, but now they have upheld the complaint it goes to a panel to decide if I need to be sanctioned. The panel is 3 people and I can put forward my case.
tbh I’m kicking myself for not complaining about her behaviour instead of trying to mediate by contacting her. I wanted to avoid discussions about my private life but now I seem to have to explain the situation to every Tom,Dick& Harry!

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 22/02/2025 01:28

Why would you stay with a man that cheated for 6 years and on top of that expects you to stay in contact via the charity with his affair partner? Leave him, leave the charity, find a different one and move on.

LoztWorld · 22/02/2025 01:27

Err you have to be interviewed to be sanctioned???? No you don’t. You don’t work for them. You don’t owe them anything - quite the opposite after your years of free labour.

Just block the numbers and emails of all the charity people and fuck the whole lot of them off.

I include your husband in this btw, although it’s clear that for whatever reason you’ve decided to stay.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 22/02/2025 01:26

Does your DH want to ensure you don’t give up the volunteering as he wouldn’t get to see the OW without the charity? I wouldn’t be listening to a word he says.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 01:25

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:29

I’m sorry but you can’t ‘report’ someone to a business/ charity for having an affair. She can do what the fuck she likes. So can your husband. So can you. Leave him obviously. Stop trying to make her the baddie here

Just to be clear, I’m not reporting OW for the affair. I would be reporting that her behaviour towards me is motivated by the end of her affair with my DH. I have photos of both the way she has spoken to me and the affair to back this up.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 22/02/2025 01:24

Numerous other charities would be grateful of your time. Sack this one off.

blueshoes · 22/02/2025 01:18

Fk this St.

Dump your DH, dump the charity.

Find somewhere else that does not treat you so badly and appreciates your contributions.

Enough4me · 22/02/2025 01:17

Report her, quit the charity and LTB.
Take your enthusiasm, hard work, loyalty etc. and use it for people who respect and care about you.

PsychoHotSauce · 22/02/2025 01:06

LaineyCee · 22/02/2025 00:13

Clearly you are deeply committed to the aims of this charity, but there still be other charities, doing similar work, where you can make a contribution without dealing with all this aggro.

Husband is a manipulative lowlife. You deserve much better.

Fuck this. If a charity volunteer is breaching any ethics (I.e. honesty,integrity) that they promote especially re fundraising, then you need to ask them why they upheld it and counter it.

Challenge them and don't let them dismiss you. You have evidence. Dump your husband and find another charity if it's close to your heart. In any event, just make them work to prove they're right to uphold it.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:57

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Do what makes you happy. He’s probably been talking crap about you anyway and she probably spreads that info about. The collapse of the charity is bc of their indiscretion. Not you. Move on and make you happy. God, it doesn’t end with these men doing horrible things to the female race.

Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:56

Nameftgigb · 22/02/2025 00:51

So you husband had an affair by fucking another women for years, you stayed with him, and now you want to ruin the woman’s life to make yourself feel better?

In what way am I ruining the OW life?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:54

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

I think bullying is a bit excessive. She has been verbally attacking me, I didn’t want this to escalate in person. My ‘threat’ was to follow the complaints process.

OP posts:
Nameftgigb · 22/02/2025 00:51

So you husband had an affair by fucking another women for years, you stayed with him, and now you want to ruin the woman’s life to make yourself feel better?

friendlycat · 22/02/2025 00:47

Well if you want to stop volunteering for this charity I would do exactly that.

SerenStarEtoile · 22/02/2025 00:44

Hi OP

I am a little concerned about how the charity have conducted themselves and wonder if you have looked at their Disciplinary Policy - which they are required to have. Who adjudicated? If it was a panel. were they properly constituted? All sorts of questions.

I imagine a standard policy is available via the Charity Commission so perhaps look there first.

By her previous actions (where people were noticing how off she was) , I think that it could be a case of her bullying/harassing you.

Are you able to Appeal this decision? Or make a Grievance against her? I’d certainly give it a go, and then hopefully the bitch will get her just desserts.

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