Volunteering got complicated …..

Leave the charity and leave your husband.

It’s not a functioning charity if one person leaving would end it. Either way, it’s time to move on for both you and your husband.

There’s no need to ‘report’ an affair. If her behaviour to you has been unprofessional you just need to demonstrate that, not her motivation.

I would not take the advice of anyone who uses a misogynistic term like ‘whorebag’.

I thought she just wanted the women to not go to the face-to-face meeting? Did I miss something?

I think she was just hoping the woman would be thoughtful enough to not go to the face-to-face meeting unnecessarily. Rather than entirely ruining the woman who had an affair with her husband’s life. I agree with you on the husband though.

Where do you get this from?

OP's actions regarding her DH aren't the point - whether she stays with him and forgives him or sacks him off she still has a right to be treated respectfully while volunteering at the charity by all the other volunteers.

If OW is behaving in a way that makes others uncomfortable - in this case OP and the other volunteers who have noticed - that is not conducive to a civil environment and the charity ought to be prepared to support OP by tackling such negative behaviour by the OW. The affair is irrelevant other than that its demise seems to have been the catalyst for OW's poor treatment of OP.

OP would have been better taking her concerns straight to the charity instead of trying to tackle them directly, but there's nothing in her posts that shows she is "out to get" the OW.

Hi OP!

it’s a threat because you said “if you don’t do XXX I will do X”. While I think what you probably meant to say was “this is a deeply personal and embarrassing situation for us both, given the hostility I feel from you in virtual meetings I would like to request that you do not attend face to face as I do not feel safe to be around your persons. I had been happy to deal with this behind closed doors but if you continue to publicly air your grievances I feel I will be left with no choice but to escalate via internal policies”.

i would also very much appeal to this panel and explain tempers are running high due to it being such a sensitive situation and instead of phrasing it correctly you perhaps let it get the better of you, that you’d like to bring to their attention the evidence of her bullying you and that there are witnesses of this.

but personally? I’d tell them all to shove it. If the charity would cease to function without you then they should be supporting you not sanctioning you in my opinion.

and the OW and your delightful husband would be being told to go fuck themselves as far away from me as possible 🤭

The only threat you made was to do exactly what she's done to you - report her unprofessional behaviour, which was disrupting meetings.

You've got no real case to answer here. In your position, I think I'd clarify the nature of your 'threat' and highlight that you were, in fact, offering a solution to the meeting problem. If the others who commented on her antipathy would be ready to back you up, so much the better.

I'd want to rectify this injustice but, after that, I think you should dump both the charity and the husband.

@MellowTiger you sound really out to get this woman. The person you should be taking down is your dh.. its all on him. Nothing actually happened except what your husband kept going, knowing that he was Married to you.

What you did wrong was to contact her. In what possible universe did you envisage a situation where she said ‘Yep, fair enough, I won’t go to this event and I’ll stop being arsey with you on line’? What were you thinking?

You did threaten her. You threatened to make a formal complaint against her, which could potentially damage her position. Again, how did you think she was going to react?

I think that your best hope, if you want to continue volunteering, is to be completely honest, say you approached her with the best of intentions, trying not to bother the organisation with your husband’s dirty laundry, but you realise now that it was the wrong way to handle things and you should have approached the charity leaders. Offer to resign and say that you’d like to stay on and will handle things differently. Personally, I’d tell the charity exactly where to stick their volunteer position and that the OW and your husband are a pair of skanks who have been shagging all over the shop.

And fuck your husband right off.

Like fuck would I hang around and attend meetings in a voluntary role for them to decide whether to sanction me or not, whatever lead up to this point. So I’d be expected to plead my case so that they can graciously decide to continue to accept my free labour, no I don’t think so. I’ve volunteered all my adult life for different organisations ( alongside full time work) so I understand the feelings of responsibility that it can bring but honestly just walk away from the volunteering. I would be telling your husband gtf as well, he lost all rights to tell you what to do 6 yrs ago when he started carrying on with OW, bet he wasn’t worried about the impact of his own shitty behaviour on the charity.

Always escalate things upwards. There are usually guidelines on how to handle issues. Like in the workplace, if someone is causing you issues, you go to your manager about it. That way you can't be accused of threatening or bullying. But because you are someone involved in this conflict, saying "If you don't do X, I will do Y" is a threat.

When you put your case to the panel tell them that with hindsight you realise that you did not take the right approach to resolve this issue. You had just been trying to give the OP the opportunity to stop her inappropriate behaviour towards you because it would be embarrassing for everyone involved if you were then forced to share this private business with more senior people.

This is the least of your worries considering your husband cheated on you for 6 years and you’re still with him!!!

MN is bonkers - this is an untrustworthy selfish woman and people are saying you are in the wrong because you didn’t want to take any crap when the affair ended.

When you found out he was involved with this other person you should have ended the relationship and also immediately reported it to your line manager/supervisor.

You haven’t threatened her. She deserves some reprisal anyway.

Why are you staying with your dick husband? Or listening to him if he’s pressurising you not to leave?

Leave them in the lurch. The charity and the vile H.

You think just like I do.

That’s not what she said, she said she asked her not to attend AND (as a separate issue) to stop being off with her or she would take it further.

This but beware that if you leave your cheater husband will be still be seeing the whorebag at the charity. Honestly your husband sounds like an asshole. I would quit the charity and tell everyone about the affair and the behaviour afterwards. Just once as an explanation. If the charity folds that’s asshole and whorebags fault not yours.

I’d find a new charity and a new husband.

You had me until your husband said you should carry on. Who cares what the cheater either of them thinks? You deserve a better life. I know right now if feels like you "won". Real winning is leaving and getting the life you deserve. Wishing you the best in the future because this is not it.

Absolutely this

Uncomplicate the situation. Don't do the interview. Let the charity know about the affair and her being rude to you after it ended. Leave the charity and, if it closes, so be it. It shouldn't be so dependent on one person. Your DH has made a mess of everything.

Leave your husband and volunteer somewhere else.

People who have affairs never think about the wider ramifications, too interested in getting his dick wet to think that his wife’s beloved volunteering might be affected?

Your husband is either with you or against.
You attend the interview, be precise and explain, with phone messages etc, what has happened in terms of relationship between you and OW since DH ended affair.

State it all for proper review and also add that you and your husband will happily move on to another charity, if this can not be resolved.

If OW insists respectful communication can not be repaired, both you and husband find another charity.This assumes that husband is with you, not against.

He is the major cause of your problem.