Volunteering got complicated …..

I’d give the evidence to the panel prior to the meeting and state you didn’t mean it as a threat, however in hindsight, you can see how this has been perceived. You were actually trying to end the bullying without putting out embarrassing information in the public arena, especially considering how crucial your role is in the charity. Then I’d either resign and not attend. Or I would put in a counter claim and attend.

No way would I just resign and not tell them the real reason if you are intending on volunteering elsewhere. Word can get around and you should protect yourself.

As for your dh, you’ve let him know he can stray for a protracted period and you’ll let it go. This isn’t a drunken ons so he is may just to do it again. Sorry.

You were unreasonable when asking husbands lover not to attend a meeting. She can go where she likes

You are unreasonable to (apparently) apportion more blame to her than to your husband

You are unreasonable imo to stay with your husband and try to control things so that he doesn't see her again. You can't control other people

The charity is REASONABLE to sanction you because you WERE unreasonable in attempting to control where your husbands lover went

Op, don't stand in a sort of trial for all your wrongdoings to be picked over. Just walk away from the ingrates (I mean the charity in general). You don't need to take part in any of this.

Yes, what you said to OW was wrong, it was basically blackmail. "Do what I say or I'll expose your affair". But, I understand why you did it.

You don't have to grovel for forgiveness from this charity that you've given so much to. Just leave.

As an aside, I do think that marriages can survive an affair but the spouse who did the affair needs to work really hard to rebuild the trust. Doesn't sound like your H has done so.

In which case she should have escalated up that she was being "verbally attacked" or bullied (although Op initially said the OW was being "awkward" in meetings, not attacking her).

She shouldn't have gone to her and said she'd expose the affair if OW went to the charity event. Which was a threat.

Fuck that, I'd just leave.

If your husband is so worried about the charity folding if you leave, he should have kept his dick in his trousers.
You are not responsible for the outcome of the charity, that rests firmly on his shoulders.

Bit shortsighted to send thinly veiled threats to the OW but I guess you can see that now.
As for the husband, ditch him too.

Yes, "Do this or otherwise I will do this" is a threat

I think OP should have handled this differently, but you have totally twisted what OP has told us.

OP didn't think it was justified because the woman had an affair with her DH. She felt it was justified because the woman was making it impossible for OP to complete her volunteering role.

I would give your evidence to the panel. But I would also then resign and stop helping them. And, if you do not want to divorce, insist your husband also resigns.

Leave the charity, leave your husband. Your future self will thank you.

Follow the complaints process. Surely they know she has been verbally attacking you?

I agree with this. Why is it you who have to make all the effort to keep the peace, in your relationship and the charity? I'd be out! They effed up, they pick up the pieces, not you! There are thousands of charities for you to volunteer at. You're such a precious human to be giving your time like this, value yourself!

I know she is in the wrong here morally, but you cannot tell her not to attend a work meeting. You'll have to send a concise email to the panel, fully explaining the situation with screenshots of the messages she sent you. If you do get dismissed then I'd ask your husband to.leave too.

You said if she went to the meeting you'd divulge sonething about her personal life. That is a threat, even if you feel it wad justified because she had an affair with your dh.

But this is not what OP has described. OP has described not simply telling them that if the behaviour continued they would escalate through complaints process, but told them not to attend an event that OP had no right to try to ban them from (regardless of how the other person has behaved, it's not OP's place to decide what the other person can or can't do in the charity).

OP should have escalated within the charity structure, especially if they report that others have noticed the behaviour. OP should also not be scapegoating the other woman - I don't see anywhere that OP is banning their husband from attending this charity, but can be perceived as trying to push the other woman out.

Both other woman and OP's husband have behaved terribly, but OP hasn't handled it well - this is effectively like a HR process at work, and by overstepping, OP has put themselves in a poor position and opened themselves up to this.

Neither the husband or the charity deserve you. Please take a good long look at your life. You deserve more.

This. However, pull no punches, and make it clear to DH and everyone else, that you are leaving the charity due to the actions of DH. Then leave him too.

Do what is best for you personally. If the charity is that important these 'other' people can take over. Live your best life!

Why are you still married to this man?

This. You did threaten her. You can't complain that she made a complaint and that its a personal matter when you also state that you would take it further in the organisation.

Ditch your cheating husband and find something new to volunteer for.

Your husband doesn’t want you to quit because if you do it will be harder for him to continue his affair with OW.

Should I just have gone down the official route straight away and not given her a chance to stop?

Yes, that's what you should have done. If her conduct towards you during your work was inappropriate, having a negative impact on your working environment and noticeable by third parties then it needed to be reported regardless of the personal relationship between her and your husband. But they still probably wouldn't have upheld the complaint if what you had actually done was approach her and say only "if you continue to [insert whatever specific behavior towards you that you believe was clearly actionable] then I will report it." Pairing a "request" for her to not attend a meeting that she was expected at as part of her role with a threat to report her (and thus make her sexual activity known) was a problem.

I absolutely understand why you don't want to work directly with her, and why you weren't eager to do anything that would make the affair known. Hopefully the panel will as well and will take that into account and I would probably just be honest with them and acknowledge that you realize now you should have filed a complaint rather than trying to handle it yourself. And I would certainly consider going ahead and filing a separate complaint about her behavior towards you.

Quit the charity - who cares if they close, that is your DH and the OW fault, not yours. He only wants you to stay so he has access to the OW since charity stays open

Quit the marriage - he has made it clear he DGAF about you or he would have already agreed to leave the charity to get away from her.

Sod the lot of them! DH, OW and charity. They all deserve each other and you deserve none of their contempt! Hold your head high OP!

You engage fully with the process. Stick to the facts. Hold your hands up to trying to manage the situation rather than putting in a complaint about her behaviour. (Is it too late to put a counter complaint in?!)
This lass has put in a complaint to get back at you nothing more. She may well have been less than honest and sounds like a proper investigation of the facts hasn't been carried out otherwise it would be clear as to what had actually happened.
Good luck!

You threatened to show her sexually explicit texts to people she works with. That makes you look bad. Leave the charity - your husband must be mental if he thinks he gets a say in the matter.