Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Volunteering got complicated …..

414 replies

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:00

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Blushingm · 22/02/2025 08:43

@Convolvulus it was that she doesn't stop - it was if she attends the meeting she will.

5128gap · 22/02/2025 08:43

What a mess your ridiculous cheat of a husband has caused you OP. I don't know how you can stand to look at the man. Perhaps if you focused less on the OW you'd see past her to the person who has done you the greater wrong, then sat there passively while things became worse with two women fighting each other, over the sorry specimen he is.
This has spiralled out of control now. Unfortunately the OW does have grounds for complaint against you, as you have used the threat of revealing her private messages to coerce her into not attending the meeting, and there isn't any way back from that, as you now appear someone who will resort to this behaviour which won't sit well with a charity.
I'm sorry for the mess you're in and hope that the charity values you highly enough to allow you to stay in role if that's what you want to do.
If there was any justice your husband would be the person who's volunteering was terminated alongside the OW. However just as he's snaked his way out of trouble with you, he's managed to keep his own hands looking clean here so will no doubt emerge unscathed while you carry the can.

Blushingm · 22/02/2025 08:42

PussInBin20 · 22/02/2025 08:29

How can they uphold the complaint if it was just to say you would take it further ie “follow procedure”? How is that a threat? I wouldn’t accept that at all and ask them to explain this.

Did she claim you said something else?

I’d be telling them “if you sanction me, I am leaving”. Again, not a threat, just fact. If they treat you so poorly why would you want to stay?

Stuff what your DH wants.

It was 'if you don't do as I say then xxxx will happen'. If she had a complaint she should have made it regardless - it's the fact that she was trying to get someone to do something by threatening to make the complaint

RodeoRoo · 22/02/2025 08:42

NB. It seems there are still many people in society who don't understand the volunteering industry. It's not a free for all walk-in, walk-out as and when business practice. There are policies and conduct to adhere to.

Brickiscool · 22/02/2025 08:42

I'm sorry but the charity is big enough to have a complaints system, but small enough it will fold without you?

You might want not want to tell everyone about the affair. So either just quit the charity. You are not going to enjoy it now anyway knowing about your husband and knowing the OW can now also gloat over the disciplinary.

Or you can tell the charity about the affair, about how the other woman is being horrible to you. And say you are leaving. If it will really fold without you, surely they will drop the disciplinary. Then you can chose to stay on or not.

But personally I think you should leave the charity completely asap. And possibly your husband too

Convolvulus · 22/02/2025 08:39

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/02/2025 08:32

And?

That doesn't justify her crappy behaviour in retaliation.

Show quote history

What is crappy about telling the woman she will invoke a process designed to deal with exactly this situation if it doesn't stop?

BountifulPantry · 22/02/2025 08:39

I’d say this charity job is a bit of a bin fire and you’ll have to leave. If that results in the charity closing I would say that’s your husbands fault for having the affair- he created the conditions under which it became impossible for you to work there. So this is not on on you!

could you set up your own charity and continue your good work? Is there a similar organisation that could be expanded with you at the helm. When one door closes another opens and all that.

I almost think the process you’re going through with the charity is a bit of a red herring. Try and “zoom out” and think about what you’ll care about in 5 years time.

okright · 22/02/2025 08:38

And I am not reading your behaviour as crappy just a human plea to "gonna stfu and have some decency to leave me to do my charity work you've caused enough trouble to my life"

Your husband is a dick though.

MrsPeregrine · 22/02/2025 08:38

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:13

Well yes, you can’t bully the OW into not attending something with the threat of evidence of an affair. It’s your husband’s fault. Not hers.

What is wrong with you

It takes two willing volunteers to have an affair.

Nowvoyager99 · 22/02/2025 08:37

I would ditch both the charity and the lying scum husband.

Convolvulus · 22/02/2025 08:37

Nameftgigb · 22/02/2025 00:51

So you husband had an affair by fucking another women for years, you stayed with him, and now you want to ruin the woman’s life to make yourself feel better?

Don't be silly. How is going to ruin the woman's life if the charity she volunteers for tells her to be polite to another volunteer?

okright · 22/02/2025 08:35

Counter complaint with email to clarify your threat was off formal complaint not murder. Leave the charity due to their lack of support and jobs worth handling. Leave your husband.

Or

Leave the charity.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/02/2025 08:32

ProfessionalPirate · 22/02/2025 08:24

Yes, she would be luckier to be sacked. Currently she is giving up her spare time to be treated like shit and not even being paid for it!

Edited
Show quote history

And?

That doesn't justify her crappy behaviour in retaliation.

PussInBin20 · 22/02/2025 08:29

How can they uphold the complaint if it was just to say you would take it further ie “follow procedure”? How is that a threat? I wouldn’t accept that at all and ask them to explain this.

Did she claim you said something else?

I’d be telling them “if you sanction me, I am leaving”. Again, not a threat, just fact. If they treat you so poorly why would you want to stay?

Stuff what your DH wants.

babyproblems · 22/02/2025 08:28

I think at this point I would:

  • ‘take it further’ and absolutely make the complaint about her conduct
  • dont let your husband have a say on whether you carry on or not; you can make it clear to whoever that you’ll leave the charity if this is not dealt with properly
  • take a step back and consider what you want to do. Both in your marriage and in the charity.
Id be wondering how long/far it would have gone if you hadn’t found out. Lots of luck xx
rainydaysandrainbows · 22/02/2025 08:27

Sugepaper · 22/02/2025 00:29

I’m sorry but you can’t ‘report’ someone to a business/ charity for having an affair. She can do what the fuck she likes. So can your husband. So can you. Leave him obviously. Stop trying to make her the baddie here

OW might not be the main "baddie" but she shouldn't be free of judgement, having an affair with a man in a relationship doesn't make you a decent person

diddl · 22/02/2025 08:27

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on.

You want to stop volunteering?

So stop volunteering!

Why would you care what your husband says?

What is he going to do if you stop volunteering?

Franjipanl8r · 22/02/2025 08:26

This is for you to resolve with your DH. He is the one who’s been unfaithful here.

Matronic6 · 22/02/2025 08:25

I absolutely appreciate your feelings and your motivations but your actions were inappropriate in a professional setting. You should have complained from the outset about her behavior towards you.

Your husband is the one who has actually put you into this situation in the first place, I don't understand why you are considering his feelings about staying at the charity. If you cannot work with this woman you have to leave the charity. I'd strongly advise leaving the husband as well.

ProfessionalPirate · 22/02/2025 08:24

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/02/2025 08:21

You actively threatened her, you will be very lucky not to be sacked from your role.

Her behaviour is irrelevant, you should not have threatened her.. You should have taken it to formal complaint rather than approaching her with "if you don't so what I want I will take it further" because that is a direct threat.

Yes, she would be luckier to be sacked. Currently she is giving up her spare time to be treated like shit and not even being paid for it!

peudhrk · 22/02/2025 08:24

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure

The charity is on the brink of closure on the basis of one volunteer leaving?

ProfessionalPirate · 22/02/2025 08:23

OP - it’s a shame you didn’t escalate your complaint in the first place rather than email her directly, as she’s now able to turn this all around on you. Seeing as this is a voluntary roll rather than your actual job, there’s no way I would be attending that bollocks disciplinary meeting, I’d be out of there straight away. Who needs this kind of shit in their spare time?!

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/02/2025 08:21

You actively threatened her, you will be very lucky not to be sacked from your role.

Her behaviour is irrelevant, you should not have threatened her.. You should have taken it to formal complaint rather than approaching her with "if you don't so what I want I will take it further" because that is a direct threat.

Ritzybitzy · 22/02/2025 08:20

MellowTiger · 22/02/2025 00:54

I think bullying is a bit excessive. She has been verbally attacking me, I didn’t want this to escalate in person. My ‘threat’ was to follow the complaints process.

Show quote history

Which you should have done. The text and the way you handled it wasn’t appropriate.

holju · 22/02/2025 08:20

Resign and explain exactly why- you were being bullied in plain sight by this other volunteer (others have commented on her behaviour) and the charity did nothing to intervene. Insist your husband resigns too with immediate effect. If the charity folds it's not your problem.