Volunteering got complicated …..

Dump the lot of them and move on with you’re life

Your story keeps changing. In the original post you said :

"started to be awkward with me in online meetings"

Then there was the F2F meeting upcoming, so you text her.

Now you are saying she was:

"She has been verbally attacking me, "

You never said that before. What exactly did she say to you, pre the text?

You thought you could manage the situation without putting her through a formal grievance process. You were wrong. Go to the meeting. Tell them clearly what you have said here and that you expect the organisation to protect you from the misuse of the grievance process to continue and escalate her campaign against you. Also make it clear that you are concerned that the continuation of her current attitude makes your future involvement with the charity untenable and you will need to think long and hard about whether you can stay. As a volunteer you deserve to be treated with just as much courtesy as an employee.

Your husband has got you tied in knots. He can mess around on the side and still tell you how to live your life and you place the blame on another woman. He is manipulating both of you. He is not a catch. You can both do better.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

You challenged a woman who was being verbally abusive/disruptive and threatened to invoke a formal process against her. Entirely appropriate and reasonable.

In your position I’d contact the charity board and say:

Over the past [X months], I have endured verbal and emotional abuse from X. Your decision to classify my warning to her that her continued behavior would lead to formal escalation has made my position at Y Charity untenable. I am deeply disappointed in your decision which both fails both to acknowledge the sustained abuse I have suffered and that signposting X to the charity’s formal complaint procedure was entirely appropriate and reasonable. As a result, I will be stepping down from my role.

then I’d leave them all to it, along with my husband.

I think this is unfair. My understanding is that the OP continued to attend meetings with the OW despite knowing about the affair but the OW’s behaviour towards her was such that other people commented.
She didn’t ask her not to attend because of the affair- she asked her not to attend because of her behaviour.

It also sounds as though OP has a much more senior and essential role in the Charity than the OW. I don’t actually think it is unacceptable to pull someone up on inappropriate relationships in the workplace whether voluntary work or not.

This is excellent advice OP

If people noticed, and commented on her behaviour towards you during online sessions, then it stands to reason that they would have noticed these at any F2F meetings. I don't think you did anything wrong asking her not to attend. Why should you have to be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable in a meeting, which she had no actual need to attend. I'm sure if the charity know the reasoning behind your request they'll see things in a different light.

if you leaving means the charity ceases, I cannot really see how you being sanctioned is going to help the charity. I think I'd just leave the charity, and I'd definitely be leaving that husband of yours too. He's a fine one telling you to stay, he's responsible for his part in this situation. If he was on about moving in with her, he didn't consider you did he?

Are you sure they're not still carrying on? It seems keeping you distracted by this charity gives him free time to be dallying where he shouldn't.

Ditch tbe charity, ditch the husband, and get yourself some happiness. Both sound awful.

Unfortunately OP you should have gone to the charity members and explained.

You didn't and you are where you are.

Fully withdraw and tell your husband to fxxk off blaming you.

What a pity you have chosen to remain with such a piece of shit.

Tell the charity that the OW's abuse of you and your husbands inappropriate behaviour with this woman, means you have no further wish to be involved.

Your husband is a sleazy cheat, remember that.

If you are going to be sanctioned as a volunteer for a charity then I really think it is time to stop volunteering for them. If the charity folds then the management have only themselves to blame.

Have t read the full thread but I used to be Head of HR for a national charity.

Volunteering is not the same as employment. There is no right to volunteer. She can be removed from the Charity.

There is no way I would attend a panel meeting as a volunteer! What ‘sanctions’ would they be able to possibly impose on you as a volunteer?! I’d send an email explaining in full what has happened and then quit. Walk away with your head held high. Nobody needs this crap in their lives when you have been giving them your time for free.

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on

Your DH doesn't get to decide what you do.

I would stop volunteering with these people and would probably leave him.

I'm not sure I would be complying with any sort of sanctions for a voluntary role either! Take your volunteering time and go elsewhere.

The charity is not going to simply remove the OW so the OP doesn't have to be around her. They will look at the behaviour that falls within their remit, which is how the two women have conducted themselves during their volunteering. The OW has evidence of the OPs threat. OP has some vague references to being made 'uncomfortable' and some gossip from other volunteers on her side, so far less 'on' the OW than vice versa. As PP said the charity may dispense with all three. Volunteers have no employment rights so its certainly the easiest way forward.

The mistake you made was not going straight to formal procedures. Feeling threatened, she attacked. Now you have to counter attack. Counter claim immediately.

You haven't done anything wrong, imo.

Yes, there are situations where the other woman doesn't know that the person they're getting involved with is married, but she is no better than your husband. She knew he was married, hell fire, she knew you! They're both disgusting.

I would go armed up, lay down a complaint about how she's been hounding you. Then I'd leave the charity and find another one.

Makes things easier for you. You matter first and foremost here.

I still don’t understand how you leaving could close a whole charity down? How are there enough people to sanction and investigate you if it’s such a small charity.

start your own one and ditch the bastard. Don’t let any of them treat you badly any longer.

This and what @RodeoRoo says upthread

By "volunteering" @MellowTiger do you mean that you are a trustee? In which case you have legal obligations as your name is above the door.

Surely it isn’t too late for you to raise your own complaint?.

quite frankly I’d let the charity close at this point if it is completely dependant on you. I’d have resigned the second I found out about the ‘affair’

If I was in this situation OP I would attend the interview but use it as an opportunity to tell them that I can no longer volunteer because of the affair this woman had with your husband and her subsequent unpleasant attitude towards you during online meetings. You haven’t done anything wrong but I think that you won’t be able to move on from this chapter in your life until you don’t have to see this woman again.

Your husband is a bit of a liability.

The charity has treated you unfairly I feel. You were in a most difficult situation and from what you say you simply asked the other woman not to attend.
I wouldn't be able to continue working for them. Use your skills elsewhere. Your husband should have though of the impact on the charity when he started the affair. He can't wade in now with his opinions.

I've handled dozens of volunteers in my career. HR have asked people to leave in situations like this. All three of you. Advertising for more volunteers.

Start looking for volunteering opportunities elsewhere.

We've had a few scandals like this with retired men unfortunately.