Volunteering got complicated …..

Hi OP, how did the meeting go? I really hope you got the outcome you wanted x

”rightly or wrongly”? You have to actually know someone to decide not to do something really awful that you know will devastate them? You can operate in a moral void because you don’t know them?
Do we all still act like children whining “what heeeeee did was worse”, as if that negates any of our own responsibility? Is that really the level of emotional intelligence so many people operate at? It’s bloody tragic.

Oh absolutely but at the end of the day the ow really is nothing to do with her and rightly or wrongly has no allegiance to her, where on the other hand, he has been married to her for years and is supposed to love her. He clearly wanted to stay with her once the affair was found out, so in my opinion, most of the blame lies with him. A quick fling or one night stand is one thing but 6 years!!!

See, I think it’s possible for her to be unimpressed by both of them, in separate ways.

… ignoring all posts trying to derail this …
Good luck in your meeting OP
I’m sure a lot of us have not worded things optimally when feeling strong emotions. I’m sure I have. The best we can do is learn from situations, as you clearly have.
It’s such a shame that due to a man and a woman’s poor behaviour that people will lose out on your 3rd sector organisations support. However your decision is understandable. Good luck x

Ok well we’ll have to agree to disagree! Bye

And what part of - I don’t agree with your interpretation do you not understand?

I think she was just warning her:

As I’ve said, there’s 100 ways to word it, and I probably did it badly, but I was trying to say I will make a formal complaint and I will say that (her) attitude is a result of the end of her relationship why my DH which I can prove.

Which part of “she didn’t mean to threaten her” don’t you understand? She didn’t keep it professional and say she would take it further, she THREATENED to expose the affair. That is not ok in a workplace.
youd have thought that the OW would have been behaving like this for a lot longer than stated, given the affair had gone on so long and dh had not left his wife. I’m sorry for op but something does not ring right after her further posts.

The only innocent party in the affair was OP yet she is going to have to go to panel to explain her private life.

Only if she wants to continue volunteering for them I would have thought.

Seems so much drama when she could just walk away.

Please leave your volunteer role. You don't get paid for this level of stress. I'm surprised you didn't leave as soon as you discovered the affair.
You deserve better OP.
Maybe take some time to think about whether you really want to be in your marriage. Living with an unfaithful partner is soul destroying.
I feel for you.

new

knew

We only ever have the OP word - or stuff posters make up and then insist must be true.

The OP just found out this women slept with her DH for 6 year - that alone is going to make having a professional relationship harder.

This whole thread been about on top of the affair the OW behavior since being dumped towards OP in a professional setting- which in this case is volunteering rather than work.

The OP hasn't handled things particularly well - which she says she now sees. She may well have been better to formally complain about OW behavior first rather than try and warn her off attending meeting OW didn't need to be at. She probably blindsided by finding out about affair and wanting to keep situation private rather than public gossip - all understandable.

She doesn't have to explain the sorid details - the sorid actions of her DH and OW mainly - she can just leave the volteering role as she owns no-one anything here and frankly may need her emotional enegy and time to deal with her wider situation.

If you disbelieve the OP’s narrative then why post?

She worked with the woman for years until the woman had an affair with her DH at the end of which DH chose OP. So OW is understandably put out and having a go at OP off the back of it.

I don’t get the impression that OP intended to threaten her she was just warning her that she would be forced to take it further if it didn’t stop. I’d think it’s likely others new so it’s probably not news to anyone.

We only have her word for that, she’s worked happily with this woman for years, but whatever has happened, it doesn’t mean she can threaten to expose private matters in a work setting! It op’s fault that she now has to explain all the sordid details, she was the one that put it into the arena.

She doesn’t want to be around the woman because she keeps verbally attacking her to the point other people have noticed. That’s perfectly reasonable.

The only innocent party in the affair was OP yet she is going to have to go to panel to explain her private life.

You disagree that you don’t think women are blamed more for affairs and yet you don’t want to work with this woman, but you’re still with your husband and taking his advice about where you should and shouldn’t volunteer. Did he want you to carry on so that he wasn’t embarrassed by having to explain why you were leaving.

he cheated on you for so long and yet it appears he’s got away with it and she is having to go and discus her private life at work. I do hope this reflects badly in your DH because he’s the one with the most blame attached!

I don’t think there’s any bullying from OP, and it would be useful to stop and think how you might feel in OP’s shoes. It’s perfectly understandable that she doesn’t want to be in a meeting with OW. As for you saying it’s DH’s fault, it’s equally OW’s fault, it takes two to tango… you are so biased to the OW it makes me wonder if you have been an OW or currently are one!

It could be argued that the threat was a form of blackmail. Stop behaving like this and do not go to the event - or I'll release the info and the photos which may damage your reputation and career.

'Reasonable grounds' and 'proper means of reinforcing' would be open to interpretation, and using a personal matter to control a professional matter as revenge may not be enough.

I honestly think op that they have no alternative but to take this further, and you might be wise to get legal advice. You don't know what she might do to retaliate.

(1)A person is guilty of blackmail if, with a view to gain for himself or another or with intent to cause loss to another, he makes any unwarranted demand with menaces; and for this purpose a demand with menaces is unwarranted unless the person making it does so in the belief—

(a)that he has reasonable grounds for making the demand; and

(b)that the use of the menaces is a proper means of reinforcing the demand.

The rest: www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1968/60/section/21

How is that identifiable information to talk in general terms about the governance structure of a charity. Nonsense.

This sounds like a script from the detectorists.

If this thread is not about your DH’s affair, which is incredibly difficult to decouple by the way, the facts are you are volunteering at a place that allows toxic people and has a nonsense process for complaints.

So why are you still doing it?

Do you think this situation will magically resolve itself, you will be upheld as the upstanding member and she will be found out to be a witch woman everyone ostracises? The whole thing sounds toxic and childish. Add in you are both continuing to socialise with the OW and DH has turned on you.

Woman up and leave them all to it.

Maybe it does to you and yes, if that’s what she’d said it would have been acceptable. But to ‘threaten’ to expose an affair to get what she wanted is not! It’s straying into the murky area of cyber crime. We all sympathise with what has happened to OP she should have taken this higher herself, instead she’s now on the back foot.
her employers now have to deal with this, not on an emotional level but in line with employment law etc. I dont understand why it’s so hard for people to accept that threatening to expose private messages and photographs in a professional setting, is unacceptable!

Funnily enough, whenever a woman comes on here and even says they’ve considered an affair they get ripped to pieces.

Well, yes. You've just proved my point that women are judged more harshly for affairs than men are, regardless of whether or not they themselves are betraying their spouse or partner.

As someone who's married, it's my responsibility not to cheat on my wife.

I understand the OP's thread isn't about this, but the comment of hers that I was replying to was.

I mean… asking the woman who had an affair with your husband at work to maybe stop giving you such a hard time in meetings and to not attend them if they don’t need to, otherwise you’ll escalate, kind of comes across as pretty reasonable to me. I’m not sure why we expect this perfection in professional behaviour from one of them, but not the other.

Funnily enough, whenever a woman comes on here and even says they’ve considered an affair they get ripped to pieces.

I think OP’s thread is about her difficult interaction with this woman who she actually has to work with though (obviously). Rather than anyone solely putting the blame on the woman. I do have a tip though, if I don’t want to be blamed for having an affair with a married man, I generally find it best to just not have an affair with one. Just me though, maybe?