Rejected by old boss - argh!

Most men I know who had PAs as they climbed higher up the corporate ladder wanted younger and prettier and more glamorous PAs then the cosy comfortable ones they had in the past...plays to their ego and image. I'm guessing you are a certain age OP since you said you last worked for him years ago and you worked for him for a very long time.

This thought did occur to me - whether there had been an intimate relationship/emotional entanglement of some kind
I also wondered who makes the weekly calls most of the time…

I can totally get how upset you must feel. Personally I wouldn’t ask for feedback in these circumstances, as it’s not going to change the decision and with feeling emotional at the could make you more upset. It doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong at interview it’s always tricky when you know the person. You will move on from this OP. take care of yourself over the weekend

Kindly OP I am also a PA and I think he may have made the right call from your comments. There is a level of intimacy in how you feel about him and this role that is very off for what the working relationship should be, which should be attentive but professional and detached. I have met overly attached PA's before and it is not a good thing, in fact it can feel a bit awkward for those involved and can leave to overstepping on the PA's part.

I have been moved and reassigned between directors before and it has never been an emotional thing for me. I could feel a bit gutted maybe if I didn't get a job I wanted but it would never have brought me to tears on the call. The friend comment is also not really right- they were/ would have been your manager, that is not the right dynamic.

I don't mean this to upset you further, but just to say perhaps look on this as a good thing for you so you can work on the more professional/ detached working relationship that you should cultivate to further your PA career.

It could be as simple as he's been actively working with this person for years now so the close working bond between the 2 of you has faded. I'd still ask for feedback but from HR rather than him.

I have read all your responses OP. Whilst it does indeed sting to be rejected at work, your emotional involvement with this feels way over invested, way too personal and almost intense. Perhaps this comes across to others including this man, and doesn't much help your case.

It might be worth exploring why you feel quite so acutely emotionally invested in working for/with him.

This is a very real possibility. If he really wanted you as his PA, he’d had approached you first, asking you to apply.

The fact he didn’t indicates he didn’t want you in the role. Could be a number of reasons. Maybe he didn’t want you now you’re a friend. Maybe he didn’t think your quality of work was high enough. Maybe not fast enough. Maybe he doesn’t like you as much as he makes out (he can hardly tell you that). Maybe someone applied who he likes more or thinks is better suited to the role. Maybe your existing manager asked him not to take you as they need you.

Whatever the reason is, the bottom line is he doesn’t want you in the role. You need to accept that and move on.

Maybe his way of working has evolved. Maybe there was another candidate that just had better knowledge of this particular company's product or service than you do. Maybe he prefers an employee with more distance between them, since he knows you pretty well now and it sounds like you're friends. He might feel it's easier to be a boss to someone he doesn't know well. When you mentioned applying, it sounds like he was noncommittal. He couldn't really have told you not to apply.

The only way you will know is to ask for feedback. There might well be a reason for the other person getting it that you don't know and can't guess.

Oh, so sorry. That just sucks.

I'd probably back off from him completely, for my own peace of mind. No request for feedback and no more friendship-like connection. Or at least leave it to him to contact you. And if he doesn't, take that to mean it's no longer a connection worth bothering with. Just my opinion, though. Best wishes to you.

Depends on the circumstance but yes.I've known plenty of people who hire on attractiveness of both sexes.

It's utterly stupid but there you go most people choose interviewees they are attracted to rather than their merit and experience. That's why there are scoring mechanisms in recruitment in larger companies, weed out the interviewers who lose their heads over a pretty young woman or a strapping young lad.

Absolutely if the situation is as OP describes. However I think the work relationship either got too close and the boss would feel awkward now telling OP what to do after just being friends in the interim, or is aware that she has stronger feelings for him than is perhaps professional and chatting once a week about kids and world events is very different to working closely with that person day to day.

Would this be asked if a woman was hiring a man?

I don't like to work with friends. That could just be me. I think it will change the dynamic for the team for other team members if my interaction with the hire was anything other than professional. I would also find it difficult to have the usual managerial hard conversations, even if it is about merit increases and bonuses.

Prefer to keep my personal and work life separate.

Sorry OP I understand your disappointment but you do sound very invested in your relationship with this man. I'd find that really uncomfortable were I him. Your reaction to the rejection is more than just not getting a role you were interested in, it's genuinely hurt you and yet you must have realised there was always a chance you wouldn't get it. Had he wanted to keep you as a PA when he first moved roles he'd have fought tooth and nail to take you with him. Sorry that can be HTH and hindsight is perfect, it sounds like you got caught up in a lot of excitement he didn't share.

You can't cross the same river twice. Working with the same people again or going back to old workplaces can be difficult. Its probably for the best.

Ask for feedback if you feel it would be beneficial but make sure you are prepared to hear something you may not like or get the feeling you are being lied to by someone you thought of as a friend.

I'd take a good step back from this friendship too, you are quite involved, it's a work friendship there needs to be some professional distance.

I'm wondering if he's given the role to his mistress!

You sound far too enmeshed.

I can understand someone wanting to have a more professional relationship with their PA, instead of someone that is a friend.

I can also understand him not being keen to personally deliver interview feedback as I suspect he knew it wouldn’t be well received.

Honestly I’d say it’s the over familiarity, it’s much easier to have someone who isn’t a friend work for you as expectations are different.

I'd only ask for feedback if you would do that for ant job you didn't get. Overall you need to separate the personal and professional relationship - which it appears he has done. There is no need for either of you to feel embarrassed - it's just a job and there would be a range of reasons he felt the successful candidate was a better fit for the role.

Could he have the hots for the candidate he hired?

You’re not being pathetic, OP. I would feel very hurt too.

PP have given plenty of possible reasons for his decision. As the mafia boss in The Godfather said, it’s not personal, it’s strictly business.

Maybe it’s time to seek another job, for a change of scene? I hope you find something you really enjoy, but don’t take to heart too much.

Hi similar thing happened to an old friend of mine. Her boss moved on, they became friends - close friends, old boss had vacancy for direct report, my friend went for it and didn’t get it

My friend took it very very badly, and wouldn’t speak to the old boss for months. But old boss explained that on balance friend wasn’t right for the role and there was a stronger candidate. I think it took quite a bit of guts for her to be so honest especially as it could have meant the friendship wouldn’t recover. But I’m pleased to say it did. Friend got over it in time. Old boss was honest and maintained friendship, and their friendship did recover and remains strong

i can understand the sting of rejection but all is not lost. I do think to move on though you need an honest conversation about why you were not given the role

good luck

Even if you are applying for a job with a friend, if it's a moderately sized business with an HR department, communication should be through HR. That's why your rejection email came from them and it would have been inappropriate for him to have contacted you first. Also, the interviews should have been scored, in a way that can be checked if necessary, and it seems another candidate has scored higher than you. It is difficult to interview with people who know you well. If you ask for feedback that should go to HR.

In the interview set up OP described I tend to agree that he would have had overall say and I can see why OP took it personally, because bottom line he didn't choose her. Maybe OP is reading too much into their work relationship (in a professional capacity).

Agreed with pp about having strong boundaries at work.

I was burned previously from a work collaboration. I wasn't even working for him but my input can make a huge difference to his project. He was nice to me, compliments all round etc but when it comes to actual work benefits to share, the person he chosen was someone who has no inputs but could elevate his profile more. I was livid but said nothing and slowly drop off and contribute to other projects instead. This person actually got the cheek to demand my inputs to his next project, which I gladly declined. Maybe in his mind he actually thought that he has done nothing wrong but people like this are the majority at work.

Op stop being his work 'friend' anymore - is not reciprocated.

Apply for feedback as if he is any other boss within the company.

I really don't think this would be possible. He would be embarrassed, as would @Greengreengrassblueblueskies .

Just move on.