Rejected by old boss - argh!

That is a very narrow view of a PA. My PA does all kinds of organisational, preparation, analytical work, HR, management of other admin staff.

But yes this. I’d reign it right back to professional chat only and ask for feedback via HR.

Obviously it’s rubbish you didn’t get the job but it could be for any number of reasons, I wouldn’t worry about that.

What IS terrible, is that he didn’t call you personally to let you know?! Any time I’ve interviewed someone I know, I have always called them to let them know they didn’t get it and offer to meet to give feedback. He’s a dick for letting you find out from HR.

Your reaction is understandable OP, and I’d probably feel the same but it also explains why you wouldn’t have been a good choice.

how would he manage appraisals and all the other stuff that comes with the job?

Why is it bosses need help managing their personal diaries?

Understood they have busy work days filled with separate duties etc, but in the case of dentists, anniversaries, school plays, how can anyone in 2025 not know how to operate alarms and notifications on a calendar on their phone?! Fair enough very old ppl who may be techno-phobes, but that isn’t the majority of bosses these days.

That smacks of a sense of entitlement the job title brings and lack of priorities regarding family life, which speaks volumes. Anyone can check their phone last thing at night or first thing in the morning for what the next day/week has in store for them and plan accordingly. Likewise ask Janice to give you the nod when it’s 4:30pm if phones aren’t allowed in that setting etc. but at least be aware of what your personal commitments are!

To believe bosses never look at their phones at all during the working day is ridiculous.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, I have RTWT, bit could be political? I've known people not take someone with amothercteam as they they think it will caue tensions/upset that person's current boss.

Alternatively, he might be worried about how it might look to other people if you're quite close? Like there's something else going on?

I’m sorry OP that you are feeling the disappointment. I hope you take time out for yourself to do something nice.

I wouldn’t reach out to the boss personally. I would ask for feedback via the proper feedback channels and move forward.

Best of luck.

Things move on. Perhaps he wants a new start and to do things differently with a new PA.
Perhaps he doesn't want comfortable.
You know too much?

^^ 100% this.
Boundary has been crossed between a professional relationship and a cosy, best friends one.
The company would soon find out how close the two of you are and that would definitely cause issues in due course.
Very unprofessional relationship in the workplace and uncomfortable for colleagues.

He can’t do that, he needs to give her an interview and not say the decision is pre made, irrelevant of how much she thinks of their friendship ultimately he has to be a professional and follow process, which is what he did.

I think this will be hard to get over because if he didn't want you as PP said he should have dropped heavier hints to you and he also shouldn't have allowed an impersonal HR notification. It's careless and thoughtless. Even if he thinks you are terrible at the job (which he won't but even if) he's the one who has messed up this delicate situation. I personally think if someone wants you to have a job, they find a way. He would have had final say and there were only two of them anyway. Sure he'll be able to provide feedback but I think it would almost make things worse.

I think you'll find it's hard to be as warm with him going forward. I agree it's just business ultimately but he should have handled this better. I guess he could still come to you and air things out.

I'm sure you gave a good interview but don't take this personally. It may have been a formality if someone short term was already in the role.

Do you know the other candidate op. This is likely not personal. Simoly thay person was a better fit, for Pa in this particular role.

also I mean this gently. But a family member of mine was Pa and had a similar situation, they were and are “ friends”, but it was very obvious she wasn’t as good as she thought at the job and he was at fault for not spelling it out. Although the not taking her with him and rejection should have given her food for thought. She basically felt her friendship made her untouchable but more thay she was in charge, not him. Some of the things she’d say I’d think yikes.

he hasn’t actually given you the job twice now. And he didn’t ask you to apply or encourage you to do so. I’d not let it be awkward, as that smacks of you felt entitled to the job, which is what made me think of my relative.

Seems like OP isn't going to respond to the questions

I’ve recently interviewed for a role. A - 1 person from within the area and B - 1 outside.

A should have nailed it but I’m not sure if it was complacency but they just didn’t give strong enough examples.
B absolutely smashed it, they were by far the best candidate.

we know A can definitely do the job but they just didn’t score highly enough on the day. B beat them and had the disadvantage of not knowing the role. We weren’t going to give it A just because we have prior knowledge of them, we gave it to the best performing candidate and gave feedback to A on where they can brush up for next time.

Maybe this is a kick you need to look for a new role elsewhere that pushes you more and takes you in a new direction.

I really feel for you OP, that must hurt.

Don’t ask him for feedback! That is terrible advice! It’d be awkward for everyone. Feedback is to help you better prepare for the next interview, and that is not really your issue here.

He should really have given you the news you never got the job himself. I think that is the bit I could not get over. There would not really be the friendship over for me.

Sorry, but as he was not enthusiastic about you applying, I think he already knew he wanted someone else for the job. He should have been honest then rather than let this whole shit storm unfold. And then not even have the decency to tell you the interview outcome himself.

He’s not treated you well. Sorry OP.

I don't think constantly referring to it as a rejection is healthy, it appears to be too personal, including the fact that his current PA didn't apply because you did. This is work and he chose someone else, yes you are disappointed but it's not rejection.

I feel the dynamic is off somewhere, he did not encourage you to go for the role, in fact he was lukewarm about it, and if it really was his decision alone that speaks volumes. Yet you thought the job was yours and were so excited to be working for him again that your reaction to be told over the phone would have been uncontrollable emotions and crying?

It is not uncommon for a manager to call and say they want a person to apply for the position and update them on the current situation. If he is so good a friend who you speak to every week why didn't he do this? Was it really a case of he couldn't take you with him the last time or did he not try?

You need to look at your reasons at why you see this as a rejection rather than disappointment at not getting a job. If he is a friend there should be no reason why you cannot call him and say oh I was gutted I didn't get the job.

We don't know his reasons but it appears there is too much emotion in this situation. Ask for feedback through HR.

I would feel hurt. I think the PA/boss relationship isn’t like another work relationship. You do learn a lot more about someone as you know all about what they are doing when and on some occasions do personal tasks for them.

the fact you got the last 2 sounds like you would have been really competent in the role. You honestly just don’t know the reason for your rejection. It might be that the other person would leave if they didn’t get it and so the company might not want to lose them. It could be they have a particular specialist skill. It could be that they have experience at that level that you don’t have. It could be they came hugely recommended as he didn’t want to pass.

I don’t think it unreasonable to ask for feedback though official channels rather than personally ask you ex boss. You would in any other circumstance.

try to not take this personally put it and remember things always work out for the best and this was not the role for you and something better will come along.

I think you are disappointed as you believed you had this in the bag.
I think he is acting professionally and having HR send out the rejection email is better than him doing so personally and making a phone call.
I have only worked in the public sector, so maybe it's different elsewhere but if someone else has scored better than you in the interview then they will get the job. It's all about what happens on the day and they can only make decisions based on information received on the application form and interview. Him knowing your work from previous experience should not come into it, as this would be biased and you should ensure you offer examples to the questions that demonstrate your ability to do the job and not assume that he would remember that time you do xyz.

What is the reason you are friends? Was is because you were hoping to get a job with him again in the future or was it because you are friends? If it's you are friends, then maybe you can say how you feel awkward about it but want to move on from it and keep the friendship.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you - it also happened to me once and I found the feeling of sadness and rejection unbearable. Unfortunately I never did actually get to the bottom of it but an opportunity came up with another Company and I ended up with the best job I ever had. Ive never come into contact with my old boss again but I’ve found in life that some friendships have a sell by date. Cutting ties and moving on was the best thing for me. Good luck in however you decide to deal with this.

Whether you are someone your boss or anyone else finds physically attractive or not should be irrelevant. Someone who is reliable, efficient and smart is what the job the OP applied for requires amongst other things.

OP, hope you find a job you enjoy soon.

I was reading through thinking 'how many of this old fashioned type of PA roles still exist'?!
but moved out of commerce to the charity sector a while ago, so could be out of touch.

Very gently, OP, I think you need to step back and look at the bare facts of the situation.

He didn’t approach you to apply for the role. He was noncommittal when you approached him. You assumed that he would apply his prior knowledge of your work to fill the gaps in your interview when often the decision has to come down to performance in the selection process alone.

I completely understand your embarrassment but I think you need to get a bit of distance and re-evaluate your professional relationship.

It's all a bit intense OP, and I say that as a PA who is close friends with both my managers (worked for them for many years, see them socially, know personal things about each other).

If I left and wasn't rehired later down the line I'd see it as a business decision - I had been too close, or someone else was bringing fresh skills. What I would 100% expect though would be for them to have a conversation with me before receiving a rejection email.

It sounds like he let you apply on the off-chance there was no-one more suitable.

I'd be letting your friendship drift. It's a bit odd already that you speak weekly. Are these conversations genuinely balanced or is it more you listening to him? I was very close to a previous manager, and when I left we would have conversations fairly regularly, as we fully intended to work together again in future. I quickly realised he wasn't interested in me at all, I was just a sounding board for whatever he wanted to talk about. I'd accepted that as a PA, but as a friend...no.