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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that dd should take some things less seriously

105 replies

CosyRubyDreamer · 21/02/2025 23:42

dd (16) has a tendency to take things literally (I have always suspected her to be neurodivergent and have been open to her about it, but there is just no need for a diagnosis). But this is besides the point.

She is a very fair person and really emphasizes on being kind with words and I'm proud of her. However, she struggles to fit in with most of the teenagers at her school and wider circle because of that.

For example, she ghosted a guy she was gonna date and a friend because they jokingly told someone to kill themselves as part of banter. dd privately texted them separately telling them why they shouldn't say that and tried to make them promise not to say anything like that before. They both said something along the lines of " are you the type to cry at the movies". She ended up losing a friendship and potential relationship. They are both nice to her normally and good friends.

While I wholeheartedly agree with dd and am proud of her for calling them out, I have told her that maybe she should let things slide next time. I don't want her to get left out.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/02/2025 02:43

So she has standards? And she isn't prepared to compromise on those standards just to fit in? Good for her.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 02:43

PeloMom · 22/02/2025 02:39

You should be proud of her for standing by her values and being prepared to lose (toxic) friendships not ask her to try fit in with people who speak like that

I am proud of her I just don't want her to get ridiculed by kids her age

OP posts:
PeloMom · 22/02/2025 02:39

You should be proud of her for standing by her values and being prepared to lose (toxic) friendships not ask her to try fit in with people who speak like that

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 02:35

Skynorth · 22/02/2025 02:29

Why do you think she may be neurodivergent (just because she stood up for someone who was bullied), and if you’ve thought this for a while why haven’t you had her referred for assessment? If she is autistic she deserves to know and deserves the support that she could receive. Autism is a disability and if diagnosed she would be classed as disabled and therefore be protected under legislation eg in education and employment. Why would you not want this for her if relevant? It sounds like you don’t need her diagnosed because YOU wouldn’t benefit from this. But what about her? As she matures, if she is indeed a young autistic woman, she will start to find certain aspects of life more and more challenging and this could begin to affect her mental health significantly. If she isn’t assessed now, as a “child”, do you realise how difficult it is to access referral/assessment as an adult?
Stop being selfish.

I have discussed it with her and the consensus is its not necessary.

OP posts:
Skynorth · 22/02/2025 02:29

Why do you think she may be neurodivergent (just because she stood up for someone who was bullied), and if you’ve thought this for a while why haven’t you had her referred for assessment? If she is autistic she deserves to know and deserves the support that she could receive. Autism is a disability and if diagnosed she would be classed as disabled and therefore be protected under legislation eg in education and employment. Why would you not want this for her if relevant? It sounds like you don’t need her diagnosed because YOU wouldn’t benefit from this. But what about her? As she matures, if she is indeed a young autistic woman, she will start to find certain aspects of life more and more challenging and this could begin to affect her mental health significantly. If she isn’t assessed now, as a “child”, do you realise how difficult it is to access referral/assessment as an adult?
Stop being selfish.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 02:28

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 02:27

Of course they would. And if they didn’t are you ok with her having bullies for friends?

Shes 16 and will meet new friends again and again for many years to come. Or is there a reason you particularly want her to keep these friends she’s fallen out with?

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No but they aren't actual bullies like they won't say it to anyone who wouldn't dish it back. It's not like I want the specific friends but unfortunately most teens in her year group would say sth similar.

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 02:27

CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 02:25

They typically only say that to others who would also say similar things so probably won't say that to my dd.

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Of course they would. And if they didn’t are you ok with her having bullies for friends?

Shes 16 and will meet new friends again and again for many years to come. Or is there a reason you particularly want her to keep these friends she’s fallen out with?

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 02:25

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 02:07

Even with shitty friends who could one day tell her go kill herself and then go “it’s just banter, what you don’t find that funny?!”?

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They typically only say that to others who would also say similar things so probably won't say that to my dd.

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 02:07

CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 01:11

She is a teenager and I do want her to have a good social life

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Even with shitty friends who could one day tell her go kill herself and then go “it’s just banter, what you don’t find that funny?!”?

RobJamesCollierFor007 · 22/02/2025 02:06

I think your DD sounds awesome. She is prepared to stand up for what is right. Bullying should always be taken seriously.

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 02:05

Personally I’d be super proud of having daughter who knows and asserts her boundaries and would rather lose friends than have shit ones - joking about suicide is fucking vile. You should be telling her well done.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 02:02

The problem at that age is that the person she’s sticking up for won’t appreciate it bc they’re really still so immature

WrylyAmused · 22/02/2025 01:22

Maybe she thinks having the right sort of friends is better than lowering her standards to be friends /have a relationship with anyone who wants to at any cost.

Frankly, given the posts we see on here every day, good on her for having ethics, standards and living them.

If more women stood up against (where safe to do so) or voted with their feet against unacceptable behaviour, perhaps it would be less widely accepted and made excuses for.

She'll find her tribe later if she doesn't find it as a teen, but it's much harder to raise your bar once you've lowered it, so good on her.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 01:11

bridgetreilly · 22/02/2025 01:01

She’s 16, not 6. Getting left out is not the most important thing. I think you should be really proud of your daughter and let her find better friends, frankly.

She is a teenager and I do want her to have a good social life

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/02/2025 01:01

She’s 16, not 6. Getting left out is not the most important thing. I think you should be really proud of your daughter and let her find better friends, frankly.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 00:59

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:36

You mean you don’t want her to get involved and I can kind of agree with you. It’s not her fight and she can talk to her friends but not make such a big statement. She’s so young. She’s just finding her voice and high school is like mean streets. Yeah, I might tell her that her intentions are so very positive but other teens her age won’t appreciate being told how they should do things. I’m so glad I’m no longer a teenager. I hope she works this out. She can’t tell people how to act bc they’re very immature at that age. She’s obviously wise beyond her years.

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Thank you--- you summed up my perspective so eloquently

OP posts:
Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:37

And has a lot empathy.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:36

CosyRubyDreamer · 21/02/2025 23:48

I don't think this is okay by any means, I just want my dd to not get left out and relax a bit, this kind of things really upset her.

Show quote history

You mean you don’t want her to get involved and I can kind of agree with you. It’s not her fight and she can talk to her friends but not make such a big statement. She’s so young. She’s just finding her voice and high school is like mean streets. Yeah, I might tell her that her intentions are so very positive but other teens her age won’t appreciate being told how they should do things. I’m so glad I’m no longer a teenager. I hope she works this out. She can’t tell people how to act bc they’re very immature at that age. She’s obviously wise beyond her years.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 00:27

Rugbyrover · 22/02/2025 00:26

Did you decide she won't benefit from a diagnosis, or did she?

We decided together

OP posts:
Rugbyrover · 22/02/2025 00:26

Did you decide she won't benefit from a diagnosis, or did she?

Lostworlds · 22/02/2025 00:24

Your dd did the right thing! She didn’t let something that serious slide, I would be proud of her for that. A friend and a potential boyfriend who say those type of things to people are really not great people to be around. There’s having a joke and then theres being nasty. She rightly pulled them up and they were unkind to her so she doesn’t need their friendship.

I wouldn’t worry about her fitting in as she’s strong minded and mature so she will find the right group of friends for her.

Yellowrosessmellpetaly · 22/02/2025 00:19

YABU. Your DS is absolutely right.

JLou08 · 22/02/2025 00:18

You can't be serious? I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who told someone to go and kill themselves either. It's a good job your daughter doesn't have the desperation you have to fit in. On a kinder note, I really wouldn't worry about her not fitting in at 16, she will find her people at college and uni.

cinnamonbunfight · 22/02/2025 00:15

I’m with your daughter on this, wtf.

ViciousCurrentBun · 22/02/2025 00:13

That’s not just banter.

I do actually get to listen to banter as I game and some of my mates are males . Go kill yourself is not banter and far too extreme. It would get you comms banned on Xbox if reported.

Good on your DD.