To think that dd should take some things less seriously

Is she 16 or 18?

This is starting to sound like a bot post.

At what cost does she accept bullying behaviour from other people just to fit in? And when they start offering her drink or drugs, does she go along with that too? The examples you gave are horrible mean girl behaviours, I’d be proud of my daughter distancing herself and encouraging other avenues for friendship, not suggesting she lowers her standards for popularity with a group who seem pretty unpleasant.

If you think this is acceptable, then you just show yourself up as an awful person. WTH. Your poor daughter.

And? Why aren't you encouraging your daughter to be kind? You sound like a bully yourself.

@toomuchfaff

I can assure you that for a teenage girl with low self esteem, meeting new people is very far from easy.

I'm not asking her to get on board with her friends' decisions, just advising her that sometimes you have to turn a blind eye or you risk ending up with no friends at all.

When she's older and she has a wider circle of acquaintances she will have the luxury of picking and choosing. But while she's at school and spends every day with the same group of people, I think it's important she doesn't cut her nose off to spite her face. Even if it is done with the best of intentions.

This has to be a fucking joke.

You're a horrible person if you think words like this are funny. Your daughter sounds like a much better person that you.

How is your dd both 16 and 18?
you know a lot of detail about these teens, what they say to each other, whether they're joking when they say it. It's unusual for a parent to know all this.

She is not you. She makes her own choices. You can discuss the consequences of those choices, but she doesn’t have to do things your way.

@CosyRubyDreamer unless she's coming crying to you that she’s unhappy and lonely and expecting you to fix it, then leave her alone.

You seem more worried about her being popular than the fact that her friends sound like arseholes. Priorities woman...priorities.

You sound like the kind of person who would see someone being bullied and look the other way so you can fit in.

That’s essentially what you’re advising your daughter to do.

Your DD has a very strong moral compass, this is admirable and she is clearly wise beyond her years. This may not make her the most popular person in her teenage years but it will later on. I wish I had had the courage to stand up for my convictions when I was a teenager instead of trying to blend in.

I understand where you are coming from. You want her to call out people if their behaviour is poor... absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, asking two teenagers, who are her peers, to promise to not use the words again, is a step too far. Not because she's incorrect, she's right it isn't words they should be using towards others. However, these two teenagers, are her peers, she can't 'make' them behave in a particular way, and asking them to not use the phrase again, is telling them how to behave. It won't be appreciated, which it clearly wasn't and she will be pushed away. If she'd had called out the behaviour and said why it was wrong and left it at that, it's possible they'd have seen the error of their ways without her saying anything further. No teen is going to accept another teen telling them how to behave (even if they are right!).

The updates make it worse. I would be glad my daughter doesn't want to be friends with people like this.
I really don't understand why you want her to be friends with them.
Based on what you have said, I expect they have unkind names for your daughter too.

What’s your fear OP?
Is she definitely going to living at home for ever (SN or you live somewhere isolated?)
If she’s likely to leave home for university/ work/ travelling I’d just point out she’ll find her tribe and support her.

Maybe, just maybe it's better to be lonely on a random Tuesday/Saturday night than be surrounded by people who have chipped away at your strong moral compass that it is now just a circle and you don't know who you are anymore?

Even worse, because you have low confidence, you join in the behaviours (pick me, pick me) and start exhibiting them yourself?

I know which I'd prefer (as an outsider), there are billions of people in this world, meeting new ones is a piece of cake, just have to step out your door (figuratively).

Isolation isn't unsurmountable.

I understand your point OP. My DD is 18 and has a VERY strong moral compass. While I'm extremely proud of her, she has cut people off whose behaviour has left her unimpressed. To be honest, it's left her fairly isolated and lonely sometimes.

I wish she could just occasionally 'let things go' for her own sake.

I think your recent update about some other poor taste ‘banter’ are more examples of why she is more mature, not that she’s too serious.

These are not jokes, it’s not banter, I’d be proud of my dd if she stepped back from the so called friends who called people those names and even more proud for her explaining to them why they shouldn’t say things like that.

She might not seem ‘cool’ by their standards but it seems like their standards are lacking anyway and really not that big of a deal.

Wow just read the ops updates.
@CosyRubyDreamer your dd has a better moral framework than you. Learn from her.

There are worse ways to be and behave. DD1 once lost a whole cohort of peers on the first day at a new school calling out something similar. 10 years on she has amazing solid supportive friends. She did the right thing.

I don't think this is funny at all and I would be proud of my ND child if they did the same. Making fun of people's appearance and telling them to kill themselves is vile.

It may be seen as 'banter' by you but if someone is overweight, acne ridden, sweaty even if they dish something back this can leave awful scars for the rest of their lives and IS bullying. I would be encouraging different friendships where the kids aren't like this - I wasn't like this as a teenager and neither were any of my friends.

How far would you be willing for her to go in order to keep friendships and be seen as "cool"? Racism? Homophobia? Any other isms?

Or is it just bullying that's ok as long as it can be disguised by "banter"?