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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 13:31

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:59

Then don’t. It’s that simple.

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I don’t 👍

I just can’t see that brutal honesty is always a good thing. I don’t want to hurt or upset my DH unnecessarily - just as I wouldn’t want him to say something upsetting to me where he didn’t need to.

Sometimes loving someone means protecting their feelings and not just spilling out what you feel no matter what.

LostMyLanyard · 22/02/2025 12:04

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2025 06:57

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?

Jesus fucking Christ! 😱

BarneyRonson · 22/02/2025 11:45

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. It’s a wake up call to him that you have a pregnant body and mind and a job and a child, and that’s already more than enough, thanks.

strawberrysea · 22/02/2025 11:45

He asked a question and wanted an honest answer and you gave it. YANBU.

MWNA · 22/02/2025 11:38

"If someone was 100% honest all the time I'd suspect they were ND ."

Ah. Yes. I am. Which probably explains my previous post.

MWNA · 22/02/2025 11:37

It's a perfectly reasonable answer and entirely understandable. He shouldn't have asked if he already had in mind what he wanted you to say!
I wouldn't miss someone else's children.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:17

Yeah it’s turned into a ‘honesty is toxic’ post. Although I’m glad it hasn’t got the usual way step parent type threads go

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:16

C152 · 22/02/2025 10:31

Since you have a relationship where you're both totally honest with one another then, no, you weren't unreasonable to answer his question honestly. It's understandable why he'd be upset though. How do you both manage difficult honest feedback? Does he just need some space, or do you have another conversation?

we talk it out. I asked him earlier if I annoyed him by saying I didn’t have time to miss the kids and he said initially yeah and he wishes I did but appreciates things are a bit mad at the minute and they aren’t at the same level of priority for me as they are for him.

OP posts:
whatonearthisgoingonnow · 22/02/2025 11:12

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

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I think you're confusing boring with peaceful.

JingsMahBucket · 22/02/2025 10:51

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 09:40

@Wallflowersunite but if you expect brutal honest to every question asked, then surely by default there's no right to private thoughts in your marriage?

Yes, okay, if you're not asked then you don't have to say, but the way things are now, if he asks you something, you can't miss things out or be tactful, you have to say the truth?

That's not really how I'd want to conduct any of my relationships. It's brutal.

I think this and other similar posts are starting to derail @Wallflowersunite thread.

C152 · 22/02/2025 10:31

Since you have a relationship where you're both totally honest with one another then, no, you weren't unreasonable to answer his question honestly. It's understandable why he'd be upset though. How do you both manage difficult honest feedback? Does he just need some space, or do you have another conversation?

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

Lampzade · 22/02/2025 10:10

I am sure if people were ‘totally honest’ with their partners the divorce rate would increase

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 22/02/2025 10:10

I am sure if people were ‘totally honest’ with their partners the divorce rate would increase

MissJoGrant · 22/02/2025 10:06

VintageFollie · 21/02/2025 22:04

If your husband isn't the father of your children, believe me, he doesn't miss them when they're not there.

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That's a really daft thing to say.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 22/02/2025 10:02

Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 09:28

Not a lot of men would miss their partners children as much as the mothers. They just wouldn’t. A vast number wouldn’t even miss their own. A lot don’t seem to have the ability to see things from other ppls perspective like women can. Most women understand their partner won’t feel the same about their children as they do, but for some reason these men expect women to feel exactly the same - it’s a lack of empathy and a degree of entitlement. They love and think they’re great so you must too. Different story entirely if roles were reversed

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Yes I agree with this completely.

And so women have to placate their emotions surrounding this in order to avoid a huge fallout.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:59

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 09:40

@Wallflowersunite but if you expect brutal honest to every question asked, then surely by default there's no right to private thoughts in your marriage?

Yes, okay, if you're not asked then you don't have to say, but the way things are now, if he asks you something, you can't miss things out or be tactful, you have to say the truth?

That's not really how I'd want to conduct any of my relationships. It's brutal.

Then don’t. It’s that simple.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 09:40

@Wallflowersunite but if you expect brutal honest to every question asked, then surely by default there's no right to private thoughts in your marriage?

Yes, okay, if you're not asked then you don't have to say, but the way things are now, if he asks you something, you can't miss things out or be tactful, you have to say the truth?

That's not really how I'd want to conduct any of my relationships. It's brutal.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 09:40

HappyintheHills · 22/02/2025 08:41

With that policy he should be careful to only ask questions where he can bear to hear your honest answer without behaving like a controlling prick.

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Quite. YANBU.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/02/2025 09:37

There aren't many step parents who would actively miss them if their sc weren't there - in fact, on the contrary it appears from this board, and I know I would be, they're doing the happy dance if they don't come.

And hats off to those step parents who do have the capacity to love their partners children as their own.

But. This isn't fair on the sdc is it? They now have to spend X amount of time in a house where one of the adults doesn't want them there. That can't be pleasant.

So, for me, the honesty needs to come BEFORE. 'I love you Bob, but I won't be able to love your children. '

Blended families are almost never pleasant for the children, simply about what the adults want.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2025 09:35

I understand it's been easier without them around but I miss kids that aren't related to me that I don't live with if I don't see them for months. If i were him I'd be troubled by your answer

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:32

JMSA · 22/02/2025 09:23

But imagine if he said to you 'I really miss my kids. If I hadn't got involved with you and had more kids, I'd probably be seeing them now'.
I'm not saying this is fact! But can't you see that people speaking their truth 100% of the time could be damaging to a relationship?

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I’ve said this to him to be fair. I asked him if he regretted meeting me or would end up resenting me because of the lack of contact. He said no because we can’t control his ex’s reaction to us having a life, and a happy one at that. It would be different if I said he wasn’t to see the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:29

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 09:21

There's a difference between lying and just not telling someone everything that's on your mind when they ask you a question, though.

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we don’t have to tell each other every thought, Jesus that would be exhausting. But if we ask something we expect honesty. I’ve been on the receiving end of it too and prefer it.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 09:28

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 21/02/2025 21:43

YANBU. They aren't your children.
They are around you and you have to care for them as a result of loving their father.

Personally I would have lied, as he is a parent and understandably sensitive... But you weren't actually unreasonable for not missing them.

Not a lot of men would miss their partners children as much as the mothers. They just wouldn’t. A vast number wouldn’t even miss their own. A lot don’t seem to have the ability to see things from other ppls perspective like women can. Most women understand their partner won’t feel the same about their children as they do, but for some reason these men expect women to feel exactly the same - it’s a lack of empathy and a degree of entitlement. They love and think they’re great so you must too. Different story entirely if roles were reversed

Thethingswedoforlove · 22/02/2025 09:26

I wonder if there was another way of putting the truth. I’m looking forward to seeing them again/ I can’t wait to show them x thing or it’s made me sad how our ds hasn’t been able to see their siblings for x amount of time or something?

Crupts · 22/02/2025 09:25

OP, you are dealing with so much, your honesty was appropriate.

Your story is why I would advise any woman and do, not to go near a man with children.

Too hard, too relentless, with second family ALWAYS on the back foot.

Better to be single.
If he doesn't get how hard life is for you right now, its only confirmation that you are with a selfish man IMO.

Mind yourself and keep your family and friends close.