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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 22/02/2025 17:30

It's understandable that he was upset to hear you hadn't missed your stepchildren after several months without them. But that's what happens when you marry and have more children with someone who doesn't have a close bond with your existing kids. He's made choices that have led him (and his children) here so he hasn't really got grounds to be annoyed with anyone but himself.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

TY78910 · 22/02/2025 17:26

I think there's a difference between missing them and wanting them around more.

From what you wrote you explained to your DH, you don't want them around because of your current situation. That doesn't mean that you can't miss them. Unless you genuinely don't.

If I was you I would go back to DH and say that you're sorry it came across that way, you were overwhelmed and misworded things. You miss them but with life as it is you wouldn't want to add them in to your mix currently.

Unless of course, you don't mean that. Then just be honest.

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 17:21

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 17:11

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%

This is what I'm getting at though. He tells you you are looking good for a reason. He isn't doing it to hurt your feelings. He's telling you in the hope it will encourage you eat. He isn't doing it to be unkind. You telling him you aren't missing his kids was with the knowledge it would upset him and with no other purpose. You wanted to upset him.

A fair few stepmums also feel at liberty to drop the act when they get pregnant too. Not saying that’s the case here but it’s not uncommon that their true feelings toward their Dp’s beloved children start to show.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:19

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:59

Then don’t. It’s that simple.

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But you’re married to someone who clearly seems more in agreement with @biscuitsandbooks

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:17

“I just tell it like it is”

aka i don’t care about hurting people’s feelings and if feelings are hurt…. Not my problem

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:17

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

Indeed
and actually indicates might be much deeper issues at play

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:16

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 09:05

I find in the long term honesty always is the best policy. I came from a very very abusive relationship so I can’t tolerate lies, but maybe I’m a little skewed on that based on my personal experiences. Were both adults, we should be capable of hearing the truth.

It would seem your husband many not 100% agree with this complete and total honesty in every single scenario (and I agree with him but that isn’t the point)

No one thinks you’re being more reasonable OP, than you

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:12

He asked you if you missed his children?

I think that’s a really weird question to be honest.

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 17:11

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%

This is what I'm getting at though. He tells you you are looking good for a reason. He isn't doing it to hurt your feelings. He's telling you in the hope it will encourage you eat. He isn't doing it to be unkind. You telling him you aren't missing his kids was with the knowledge it would upset him and with no other purpose. You wanted to upset him.

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 16:27

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 15:51

There are ways to be "brutally honest" that are also diplomatic and sensitive towards the other party's feelings.

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People who are brutally honest tend to like the brutality more than the honesty. As you say, there are ways of saying things.

Chonk · 22/02/2025 16:16

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 10:12

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and that’s fine but it works for us. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same.

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If you're so sure it works for you, why are you on here asking for opinions?

Millymoonshine · 22/02/2025 16:12

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2025 06:57

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?

Bitter much.

Floralnomad · 22/02/2025 16:10

YANBU , you have a lot going on in your own life and they are not your children . It’s a great shame that their mother is so obstructive as that probably colours your view a bit as well . Provided that you are nice to them when you see them I think it’s fine .

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 16:04

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 16:01

Were you aware your comment would upset him?

I think it's good to be honest if it achieves something but I can't see what you achieved other than upsetting him. It I seems like you wanted to upset him to make a point about how tired you were. That seems unkind and unnecessary.

its not about upsetting him or not though, I knew he wouldn’t like my answer and he probably knew too tbh. It’s like when I get too thin (I have an eating disorder) he’ll tell me I’m starting to look gaunt again. Do I like hearing it? No. But would I rather know how he feels? 100%.

i maybe could’ve been more diplomatic but he can read me like a book he would’ve known if I was bending it

OP posts:
ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 16:01

Were you aware your comment would upset him?

I think it's good to be honest if it achieves something but I can't see what you achieved other than upsetting him. It I seems like you wanted to upset him to make a point about how tired you were. That seems unkind and unnecessary.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 15:51

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:08

And I don’t see how anything less than brutal honesty is a good thing but we’ll agree to disagree

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There are ways to be "brutally honest" that are also diplomatic and sensitive towards the other party's feelings.

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 15:49

He can’t really expect you to be as invested, he’s the parent, so of course he’s very keen. However, you could have been a bit more diplomatic!

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:44

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:22

Wow that’s some spin I’ll give you that. He’s not off with me we actually just went out for some lunch. I asked him was he annoyed and he said initially yeah but he understands.

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You felt the need to apologise and said he was upset and you needed to start a thread about it. Glad you’re grand now. Hope you enjoyed lunch.

Aimtodobetter · 22/02/2025 15:23

I don’t think he really expects you to have the same relationship he does with them but probably was asking you to mirror his one emotions ie he wanted to share he was missing them. Brutal honesty wasn’t necessarily responding to the spirit of the question ie are you glad I am getting contact with me kids again (as opposed to the literal meaning of it).

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:22

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:20

You told him you don’t care about his kids and wonder why he’s off with you 😂😂😂

He loves his kids as much as you love your child. How would you feel if someone in your child’s family told you they didn’t like them?

Wow that’s some spin I’ll give you that. He’s not off with me we actually just went out for some lunch. I asked him was he annoyed and he said initially yeah but he understands.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 15:20

You told him you don’t care about his kids and wonder why he’s off with you 😂😂😂

He loves his kids as much as you love your child. How would you feel if someone in your child’s family told you they didn’t like them?

C152 · 22/02/2025 15:19

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 11:16

we talk it out. I asked him earlier if I annoyed him by saying I didn’t have time to miss the kids and he said initially yeah and he wishes I did but appreciates things are a bit mad at the minute and they aren’t at the same level of priority for me as they are for him.

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This sounds like a healthy way to have a relationship. You will know his personality and the best way to take it from here, but I would let it drop for now, unless he raises it himself.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:08

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 13:31

I don’t 👍

I just can’t see that brutal honesty is always a good thing. I don’t want to hurt or upset my DH unnecessarily - just as I wouldn’t want him to say something upsetting to me where he didn’t need to.

Sometimes loving someone means protecting their feelings and not just spilling out what you feel no matter what.

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And I don’t see how anything less than brutal honesty is a good thing but we’ll agree to disagree

OP posts:
coralsky · 22/02/2025 13:40

I think YANBU to think it but YABU to say it out loud. It's one of those situations where you need to be diplomatic as it would be very hurtful for him.