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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:32

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My thoughts exactly, talk about low standards!

Lampzade · 22/02/2025 19:31

sprigatito · 22/02/2025 19:30

He's not upset because you told the truth, he's upset because you have no attachment to his children. He wants you to be a family eventually, when contact is established. His children will be your children's siblings and for him, naturally, he will struggle to see how it's going to work if you don't care about them at all and have no bond with them.

It's not your fault you feel the way you do and it's neither uncommon nor surprising, but it is the reason why blended families rarely turn out to be stable, happy and healthy, especially for the children.

This

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:30

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 19:21

god you’re having a wild Saturday night. I said I have a better job, it’s 2025, it’s not a big deal a woman earning more than a man, I picked an excellent career in my youth. And yes I got very lucky, I am with a man who is honest and loyal, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t cheat and who puts me and my needs first every single time. I sincerely hope you find the same.

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He sounds like a prince Hmm

Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:30

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sprigatito · 22/02/2025 19:30

He's not upset because you told the truth, he's upset because you have no attachment to his children. He wants you to be a family eventually, when contact is established. His children will be your children's siblings and for him, naturally, he will struggle to see how it's going to work if you don't care about them at all and have no bond with them.

It's not your fault you feel the way you do and it's neither uncommon nor surprising, but it is the reason why blended families rarely turn out to be stable, happy and healthy, especially for the children.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:29

JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 18:29

The push for people to lie on MN baffles me. There’s no nice way to say “no” and OP is telling the truth. It’s really not good to lie in a marriage

Of course there's a nice way to say no.

Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:28

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Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:27

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Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:25

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Ratisshortforratthew · 22/02/2025 19:23

catscalledbeanz · 21/02/2025 22:20

Your "brutal honesty" clause means yanbu. But it's an agreement which I would find unpalatable tbh. Imo white lies are fine. "Is Santa real?" - of course. "Do I look fat in this outfit?" - NO!. "Am I the best you ever had?" YES!. All of the answers are potential lies. But the truth is an unnecessary hurt and in asking the question no one wanted the truth. They were asking for reassurance or a sense of being valued and appreciated. "Do you miss the sc?" Is imo dh saying "- this was all worth it right? the struggle? The weight and pressure? It was worth it and we got through it and you are happy too? And I want to know you are with me and understand me and we were a team through it. " He wanted to hear that , What he cares about, you care about. There is no negative in your saying "of course I have missed them! They should have been here the whole time!" Whereas, there is a negative and unnecessary hurt in what you said. But with a brutal honesty policy I suppose that you didn't need to lie.

Totally disagree. People shouldn’t ask questions they don’t really want the answer to.

YANBU OP. I too much prefer honesty all the time rather than fake platitudes. I dated someone with kids once, I definitely didn’t miss them when they weren’t around, in fact I preferred it (no, I won’t be dating a parent again)

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 19:22

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/02/2025 19:13

I think you’re worried that once contact had been established, he won’t step up and try to get you to do lots when you’re already the busy one in the household. Is that right?

Not at all, I knew what I signed up for step kids wise. I’m more afraid of his ex making a malicious report again. She’s hell bent on getting contact stopped.

OP posts:
tygertygers · 22/02/2025 19:22

I find this sad. It sounds like he was having a Vulnerable moment and instead of empathy you gave him "brutal honesty". Sometimes you don't need to hear the truth. You said you've come from an abusive relationship - maybe it's time to address that because this isn't a healthy or kind way to live. Take it from someone who has been happily and healthily married for decades.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 19:21

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god you’re having a wild Saturday night. I said I have a better job, it’s 2025, it’s not a big deal a woman earning more than a man, I picked an excellent career in my youth. And yes I got very lucky, I am with a man who is honest and loyal, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t cheat and who puts me and my needs first every single time. I sincerely hope you find the same.

OP posts:
Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:20

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Dramatic · 22/02/2025 19:19

I completely understand why you wouldn't miss them, I think that's fairly natural when they're not your children. However, I do think a small white lie in this case wouldn't have hurt.

But you've told him now, he'll have to either accept it or not accept it.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/02/2025 19:13

I think you’re worried that once contact had been established, he won’t step up and try to get you to do lots when you’re already the busy one in the household. Is that right?

Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:08

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JandamiHash · 22/02/2025 18:29

The push for people to lie on MN baffles me. There’s no nice way to say “no” and OP is telling the truth. It’s really not good to lie in a marriage

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 18:25

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 18:00

I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted

Sounds like this is what your thread should be about

It’s not a problem it’s just fact

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 18:00

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

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Well, no, but there are ways to answer a question that are honest but not hurtful.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 18:00

I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted

Sounds like this is what your thread should be about

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 17:53

JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

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Ah my heart breaks for him and I have total empathy and probably sympathy to a degree too for him but, like most women, I’m the one with the majority of the household mental load, I’ve the bigger job and I’m pregnant and exhausted which to be fair he does understand.

I also don’t think that it’s stepmum’s true feelings come out when they have their own babies I think it’s more that (and I can only speak for myself here I’m sure other stepmums feel differently) but that you feel this overwhelming love that you didn’t know existed for your own child and in your head and heart (and biologically of course) there are differences

OP posts:
JHound · 22/02/2025 17:42

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

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Does she need to personally miss his children to show empathy for his situation though?

It’s one of those questions where there is only one “appropriate” answer. In which case I never get why it would be asked.

RabbitProofCarrots · 22/02/2025 17:37

TY78910 · 22/02/2025 17:26

I think there's a difference between missing them and wanting them around more.

From what you wrote you explained to your DH, you don't want them around because of your current situation. That doesn't mean that you can't miss them. Unless you genuinely don't.

If I was you I would go back to DH and say that you're sorry it came across that way, you were overwhelmed and misworded things. You miss them but with life as it is you wouldn't want to add them in to your mix currently.

Unless of course, you don't mean that. Then just be honest.

Pretty sure OP feels the exact opposite? So she didn’t miss them particularly because she’s currently overwhelmed and perhaps doesn’t have such a strong bond with them is contact has been very sporadic for a long time. But she may well be happy that they will soon be around more and her husband will feel like his family is back together and her kids will have a chance to establish a relationship with their siblings and she’ll have a chance to rebuild a connection with them too. Or some things may be true but not others.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 17:36

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 17:29

It's a bit unusual but it sounds to me like he wanted a bit of understanding from OP, or maybe some empathy about how difficult things are for him without his children.

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Exactly