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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
JHound · 23/02/2025 22:35

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 22:34

”I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming”

Another totally fucked blended family that was doomed from the start.

Edited

Shame as loads of blended families are brill. Mine is ace.

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 22:34

”I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming”

Another totally fucked blended family that was doomed from the start.

JHound · 23/02/2025 21:11

Number4PrivetDrive · 23/02/2025 20:29

People should never ask a question to which they are not prepared to hear the honest answer.

This is exactly my position!

Number4PrivetDrive · 23/02/2025 20:29

People should never ask a question to which they are not prepared to hear the honest answer.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 23/02/2025 20:22

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 19:12

I guess I'm coming at it from the angle that I wouldn't be cold enough to tell my husband "no, I don't miss your kids" no matter how "brutally honest" I'd agreed to be.

There would have been absolutely no harm in saying "of course I do" and just leaving it at that. What OP said was really unkind, IMO.

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but I would be annoyed if I asked him something and he wasn’t just honest with me. What happens when it resurfaces again or there’s a bump in the road with contact and he sees me getting on with it and wonders why I’m not more upset when I lied and said I miss them? I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming (apart from the fact I’m afraid of another malicious report being made). I do feel for my husband though and I sincerely hope that for him that a normal relationship is resumed soon

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 20:12

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:35

I think you are the one not understanding the definition of empathy tbh.

She showed empathy for the impact the separation from his kids is having on him. You wanted her to lie.

I am saying it was stupid of her husband to ask a question he only wants one response to. I likely would have lied but been very annoyed at having to lie.

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I don't see it as a lie, I see it as being diplomatic.

And yes, technically it is a lie but despite what OP wants to believe, nobody needs to be "brutally honest" all the time.

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:37

(I also don’t understand people who expect others to feel about their kids the way they feel about their kids.)

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:35

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 19:16

I guess some people just don't understand the concept of empathy.

I can't imagine being unpleasant enough to say to DH "sorry, I don't miss your kids". Even if it is true, what's the benefit in saying something so upsetting?

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I think you are the one not understanding the definition of empathy tbh.

She showed empathy for the impact the separation from his kids is having on him. You wanted her to lie.

I am saying it was stupid of her husband to ask a question he only wants one response to. I likely would have lied but been very annoyed at having to lie.

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 19:16

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:14

So you do think she should have lied.

I think the husband was a fool for asking the question and I don’t know why parents expect others to feel the same way about their children that they do.

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I guess some people just don't understand the concept of empathy.

I can't imagine being unpleasant enough to say to DH "sorry, I don't miss your kids". Even if it is true, what's the benefit in saying something so upsetting?

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:14

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 19:12

I guess I'm coming at it from the angle that I wouldn't be cold enough to tell my husband "no, I don't miss your kids" no matter how "brutally honest" I'd agreed to be.

There would have been absolutely no harm in saying "of course I do" and just leaving it at that. What OP said was really unkind, IMO.

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So you do think she should have lied.

I think the husband was a fool for asking the question and I don’t know why parents expect others to feel the same way about their children that they do.

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 19:12

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:11

So you think she should have lied?

Edited
Show quote history

I guess I'm coming at it from the angle that I wouldn't be cold enough to tell my husband "no, I don't miss your kids" no matter how "brutally honest" I'd agreed to be.

There would have been absolutely no harm in saying "of course I do" and just leaving it at that. What OP said was really unkind, IMO.

JHound · 23/02/2025 19:11

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 16:49

Easily - by skirting a little around the direct question and giving a tactful answer.

DH: I really miss Topsy and Tim, don't you?
OP: It's certainly strange without them around and I'm definitely looking forward to them visiting again like they used to.

It shows a bit of empathy and kindness and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings unnecessarily. There's just no need to be unkind and blame it on "being honest".

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So you think she should have lied?

biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 16:49

JHound · 23/02/2025 15:17

So how do you answer the question honestly without being honest?

Isn’t it just easier to not ask questions you only want one answer to?

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Easily - by skirting a little around the direct question and giving a tactful answer.

DH: I really miss Topsy and Tim, don't you?
OP: It's certainly strange without them around and I'm definitely looking forward to them visiting again like they used to.

It shows a bit of empathy and kindness and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings unnecessarily. There's just no need to be unkind and blame it on "being honest".

StormingNorman · 23/02/2025 16:43

Maybe he thought they were a family and he was opening a discussion about how much they were missing the children? Maybe he wanted some empathy? I very much doubt he expected OP to admit that she didn’t care all that much about them.

JHound · 23/02/2025 15:19

sprigatito · 22/02/2025 19:30

He's not upset because you told the truth, he's upset because you have no attachment to his children. He wants you to be a family eventually, when contact is established. His children will be your children's siblings and for him, naturally, he will struggle to see how it's going to work if you don't care about them at all and have no bond with them.

It's not your fault you feel the way you do and it's neither uncommon nor surprising, but it is the reason why blended families rarely turn out to be stable, happy and healthy, especially for the children.

This is why I said it’s a weird question. He only wanted to hear one thing - that she has the same attachment to his kids that he does.

He is upset that she does not and no answer, apart from lying, would have avoided upsetting him.

JHound · 23/02/2025 15:17

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:54

Yes, exactly. There's no reason to say "no, I don't miss your kids" like OP did. It's just being hurtful for the sake of it.

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So how do you answer the question honestly without being honest?

Isn’t it just easier to not ask questions you only want one answer to?

JHound · 23/02/2025 15:16

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:52

Not if you have a policy of "brutal honesty" as OP does, no.

But there are ways of answering that question tactfully, IMO.

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How?

No matter how much tact (I thought OPs first reaponse was very tactful) a parent will he miffed hearing you don’t have the same feelings for their children that they do.

StormingNorman · 22/02/2025 21:53

sprigatito · 22/02/2025 19:30

He's not upset because you told the truth, he's upset because you have no attachment to his children. He wants you to be a family eventually, when contact is established. His children will be your children's siblings and for him, naturally, he will struggle to see how it's going to work if you don't care about them at all and have no bond with them.

It's not your fault you feel the way you do and it's neither uncommon nor surprising, but it is the reason why blended families rarely turn out to be stable, happy and healthy, especially for the children.

Sums it up perfectly. He’s not upset you told the truth; he’s upset BY your truth.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 20:03

Wallflowersunite · 22/02/2025 15:08

And I don’t see how anything less than brutal honesty is a good thing but we’ll agree to disagree

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Will this extend into brutal honesty with your children/

Miaowzabella · 22/02/2025 19:59

MissJoGrant · 22/02/2025 10:06

That's a really daft thing to say.

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Realistic, I'd say.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, exactly. There's no reason to say "no, I don't miss your kids" like OP did. It's just being hurtful for the sake of it.

Productiveone · 22/02/2025 19:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 19:52

JHound · 22/02/2025 19:49

I doubt there is a way to communicate you don’t miss somebody else’s children without hurting their feelings.

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Not if you have a policy of "brutal honesty" as OP does, no.

But there are ways of answering that question tactfully, IMO.

JHound · 22/02/2025 19:49

biscuitsandbooks · 22/02/2025 18:00

Well, no, but there are ways to answer a question that are honest but not hurtful.

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I doubt there is a way to communicate you don’t miss somebody else’s children without hurting their feelings.

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/02/2025 19:39

yourmaw · 22/02/2025 08:20

He asked -you responded.
I dont think cold or harsh defintely not indifferent . Given unsettled\sporadic contact you havent had a "usual"removed or stopped its a hollow question.Are you look forward to seeing/having roundwould be better suited?
You simply can not miss what youve never had.When you then
add personal details where your at\whats happening..altho not uniform,as such it is all progressive/developing/lead toward....further imminent changes.
i understand your concerns re potential repeat trouble/high conflict...particulrly reunification with name cleared dad...a wee one the two arent familiar with as yet and new baby soon. Once hes smarted over his own (reactive) feelings hopefully he'll realise this is a huge "family"adjustment upcoming...you both need to get to talking of look forward to getting lots time/more contact.speak about any concerns "blending" may come with and how to nurture the two older kids so they feel valued as part f family but special as well. i think.

I think I recognise your writing style, which is extremely difficult to follow.