To have been this honest with my husband?

Your DH shouldn't have started a new family with a woman who was "indifferent" about his existing children and who, by her own admission, doesn't care whether contact ever resumes again.

You shouldn't have had children with a man who already had kids you don't care about.

And the ex shouldn't be playing games.

I just think there's a difference between saying outright "I don't miss your kids" and saying something like "the house just isn't the same without them".

I don't feel as though the latter is a lie - it's just a nicer, less abrupt way of answering the question.

I’m guessing he left her for you (or it’s a bit murky).. is that why she’s so bitter?

Poor children (all of them). It’s Always them who suffer. They fck you up your mum and dad etc.

At what point would you accept defeat and losing access to the baby you’re carrying?

I didn’t say showing diplomacy and empathy was appalling. I said lying to him would be appalling. You framing lying as diplomacy doesn’t stop it being a lie. If she can show diplomacy and empathy without pretending she misses then I’d agree that was the better thing to do. But no one’s suggested how she could have done that, so I’m thinking it’s probably a difficult one to come up with on the fly.

I don’t share your certainty about his knowledge of her feelings towards his children. I think lots of parents kid themselves about how their partners feel towards step-children. It’s not good for the anyone in the family.

OP has been supporting their father in his fight to be an active part of their lives. Not sure anything more can reasonably be expected of her at this point.
Pour toxic waste on a patch of earth and a garden will not grow there. Know what I mean?
OP cannot manifest all these feelings she’s allegedly supposed to have for these children all on her own. Humans don’t work that way.
I do hope once mother dearest is back in her box they can begin to build a stable home life for the DC and OP will build a better bond with them in time. But right now, it’s too big an ask for someone who has her own heart and DC to protect.

No, I think all the adults in this mess are damaging the DC.

Unbelievable that posters seem to think lack of motherly adoration from a woman they must barely know is the thing that is damaging these DC, and not the appalling and unhinged behaviour of their own mother… 🤯

He already knows this and he’s more than happy to be with me.

Sounds like you both deserve each other tbh. Those poor children being raised in this mess.

YABU for being so brutally honest with your husband. It wasn’t necessary and you should’ve just gently lied (and I hate when people lie but in this case, he must’ve been so hurt and won’t ever forget what you said. He’s fighting to see his kids and you basically said you couldn’t care less - to his ears in that instant).

YANBU - obviously you’ve got loads going on and you were just being honest. I get that too. One of those things, but you can’t take it back now.

Agree with PP, best thing to do is probably talk things through with each other. Rather than let it fester.

I think he shouldn't have asked!

I don’t miss them, that’s the truth and from my own point of view I’m indifferent about contact resuming

Maybe, in line with your policy of being "brutally honest", you should tell him that and give him the chance to leave and find someone who isn't quite so cold towards his children.

You are an honest person. Your husband is an unreasonable person. You put up with all that shite about him sorting contact through the courts and did not walk away (I would have). He should be so grateful and he is not - apparently all your support and putting up is not enough for him. You have to make a happiness song and dance now. Wow.

I'm not sure how it's "appalling" to suggest someone shows a little bit of diplomacy and empathy towards their spouse who is clearly hurting and struggling, @RawBloomers

I'm sure he knows OP doesn't feel the exact same way about them as he does, but a little of kindness on her part would have gone a long way, IMO. She just comes across as cold and uncaring.

Saying you do t care if you never see your stepchildren again is different from saying you do t like them? Not when you say it to the person who loves them most in the world.

Even said to anyone else you’re just playing semantics.

This is what I wanted to say. I can understand why you don’t at the moment due to all the contact issues. But if they come into your lives again properly you need to be open to building a relationship, not just “indifferent”

Indifferent 😳 This is really concerning to me. If I was your DH and my partner was indifferent to my children from a different relationship that would have to be it. If contact resumes, I would work on building a relationship with your stepchild/ren. As this will be damaging for them, your DH and you in the long run.

I totally understand you but I would try to word it differently. I currently see a lot of my parents-in-law and honestly wouldn't miss them if I didn't see them for a few months (I do care about them and wish them well). However, I wouldn't directly say this to my DH if I was asked.

That's not true! I miss DSS. Not as much I would miss my own children but I do miss him.