Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been this honest with my husband?

265 replies

Wallflowersunite · 21/02/2025 21:31

Long story short but without drip feeding. My husband has two children with his ex girlfriend. They’ve been split for 6 years, we’ve been together 5, married 2, have a baby and another on the way. After many many court battles (instigated by my husband) to get contact sorted (after his ex repeatedly stopped contact, and which I was witness to rather than just told), his ex made a malicious report to child welfare (which has since been sorted and dismissed by all legal authorities). During the investigation I had to supervise contact between my husband and son which was a real logistical nightmare but we got through it and he’s been acquitted.

The wheels are back in motion for him to reestablish contact with his children and whilst I totally support this, I am scared but that’s another conversation. He asked me tonight if I missed them (haven’t seen them in a few months) and I was brutally honest and said no but I totally understand it must be heart wrenching for him. He got a bit defensive and asked why I didn’t miss them. I again was honest and said I have a baby who is very clingy, I’m heavily pregnant, I’m still working full time and I’m trying to secure a promotion before I go off on mat leave. I apologised and said I probably should think about them more but at the minute I’m just living hour to hour because our lives are very full on.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response. Aibu?

OP posts:
LilacLilias · 25/02/2025 00:20

I think that some posters on here have no idea what it is like to be on the recieving end of a malicious report. By making this report the ex has thoughtlessly dragged OP and her children into an absolutely awful situation, having to supervise visitation of her own child. This could have caused all sorts of issues for OP's children, and possibly also cost her her job (in some professions). While OP clearly understands how much DH loves his children, having them renew contact also probably feels to OP like increased threat of this kind of thing happening again. Much as she may care about her stepchildren, I think in her shoes if someone asked me if I missed the children my first thought would be the fear of what ex might do once contact resumes. It is shit what ex has put her children through but she never had to drag OP's children through an investigation just to serve her own ends. It's so thoughtless.

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 23:32

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 23:19

I’ve been abused and battered my whole life until I met my husband but thanks.

Show quote history

And so the abused becomes the abuser…

Diarygirlqueen · 24/02/2025 23:24

I'm sorry to hear about your past but it doesn't give you a pass for your present behaviour. I stand by what I said.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’ve been abused and battered my whole life until I met my husband but thanks.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 24/02/2025 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Forthethirdyearinarow87 · 24/02/2025 22:58

I think you could have said honestly, quoting your own words,

“I loved them being here before all this”

And then initiated a thoughtful, calm conversation about it. But it’s not easy when you are put on the spot like that.

Kittygolightlyy · 24/02/2025 22:56

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 22:50

too late he’s already chosen us @StormingNorman for the safety of my children before he ends up losing them all

Show quote history

Wow 😑

His older children will really hate you in time. And he might too.

PS. I really hope these posts aren’t real.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’ll never apologise for keeping my children safe. Perhaps you should feel sick at his ex making false reports to social services and who will stop at nothing to cut contact? What’s the alternative? We end up under supervised care because of a bitter ex?? I will not expose my children to that

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 22:51

Why would he let me walk away from a family who love and support him and who he’s a wonderful man to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 22:50

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:46

He’s not going to choose your kids over the others. Pushing for that would make you a foul human being. Support him to fight as hard for his children as you would for yours. It’s nasty, manipulative and abusive to make him choose. The only decent thing he could do as a father is to let you walk away.

Show quote history

too late he’s already chosen us @StormingNorman for the safety of my children before he ends up losing them all

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:46

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:33

I wouldn’t but he’s going to lose them all if he doesn’t make hard decisions

Show quote history

He’s not going to choose your kids over the others. Pushing for that would make you a foul human being. Support him to fight as hard for his children as you would for yours. It’s nasty, manipulative and abusive to make him choose. The only decent thing he could do as a father is to let you walk away.

InterIgnis · 24/02/2025 20:33

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 16:57

I just think there's a difference between saying outright "I don't miss your kids" and saying something like "the house just isn't the same without them".

I don't feel as though the latter is a lie - it's just a nicer, less abrupt way of answering the question.

Show quote history

That’s a politician’s answer, and likely to only piss off someone that is looking for 1, a straight answer, and 2, the truth.

OP wasn’t cruel or abrupt in her delivery, simply direct.

RawBloomers · 24/02/2025 20:24

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 16:57

I just think there's a difference between saying outright "I don't miss your kids" and saying something like "the house just isn't the same without them".

I don't feel as though the latter is a lie - it's just a nicer, less abrupt way of answering the question.

Show quote history

It doesn't answer the question, it's weasel wording intended to give the impression she's missing them without using those words. It's a deception, not a less abrupt way of answering.

Uberella · 24/02/2025 19:56

Do you think a fairer description would be that you don't miss the chaos that comes with having additional children in the house regularly as you have a lot on your plate right now?

nam3c4ang3 · 24/02/2025 19:44

If you are so certain that your brutally honest response to him works for you and him - I don’t know why you’re here asking a public forum opinions? So far - all you’ve done is mainly reply to anyone who says ‘maybe not the best way to have replied in that way’ is - but that’s how we are with each other and it works it’s great etc etc. If that’s the case - great, what are you asking us exactly? If brutally honest works for you - fine. Doesn’t seem it it’s working for him tho mind you - but if it’s doing it for you…. 👍🏼

User7288339 · 24/02/2025 19:35

I think it was quite weird of him to ask you tbh!

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 19:24

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 19:19

You and I clearly have very different opinions on what "fine" means.

Those poor bloody children. What a mess.

Show quote history

again my children are fine being brought up in a stable household by 2 professionals who have their best interests at heart. I refuse to let the actions of a jealous, bitter woman affect my children. Look after your own home.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 19:19

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:33

Because our relationship is fine thanks and we aren’t not having much wanted and planned children because of his ex

Show quote history

You and I clearly have very different opinions on what "fine" means.

Those poor bloody children. What a mess.

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:33

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 17:03

That’s all just noise but doesn’t answer my question. You want him to give up on his DC. At what point would you give up on your DC?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t but he’s going to lose them all if he doesn’t make hard decisions

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:33

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 17:03

So, if all that's true, then why the bloody hell are the pair of you bringing another baby into this mess?

Show quote history

Because our relationship is fine thanks and we aren’t not having much wanted and planned children because of his ex

OP posts:
Kittygolightlyy · 24/02/2025 17:03

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 16:58

And my children are fine thank you, in fact we’ve have to take steps and decisions to protect them from this mess that we haven’t caused

Show quote history

You kind of did by getting involved with a man who already had 2 children with his ex, then having children with him yourself. As you say, there are no winners.

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 17:03

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 16:47

It’s a bit different for mums. We only had his children EOW and now there is a potentially significant threat posed to the safety of our children on the back of this malicious report. I.e. his ex could do it again only this time accuse me or accuse us both and we go through all this again and she’s proven she’s more than capable and willing to do it. She doesn’t want my husband in their lives and I refuse to let my own children be collateral damage. Unfortunately there is no winner in all this.

Show quote history

That’s all just noise but doesn’t answer my question. You want him to give up on his DC. At what point would you give up on your DC?

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 17:03

Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:00

She wasn’t like this at the start. I’ve become indifferent because the relationship has soured and has put a massive strain on us mentally and logistically due to the malicious report. I’ve become indifferent because of how messy it is when they are here and because of the potential consequences that could be harmful to my children and me because of his ex. I loved them being here before all this but I have my own children to protect

Show quote history

So, if all that's true, then why the bloody hell are the pair of you bringing another baby into this mess?

Original poster
Wallflowersunite · 24/02/2025 17:00

biscuitsandbooks · 24/02/2025 16:58

Your DH shouldn't have started a new family with a woman who was "indifferent" about his existing children and who, by her own admission, doesn't care whether contact ever resumes again.

You shouldn't have had children with a man who already had kids you don't care about.

And the ex shouldn't be playing games.

Show quote history

She wasn’t like this at the start. I’ve become indifferent because the relationship has soured and has put a massive strain on us mentally and logistically due to the malicious report. I’ve become indifferent because of how messy it is when they are here and because of the potential consequences that could be harmful to my children and me because of his ex. I loved them being here before all this but I have my own children to protect

OP posts: