To have been this honest with my husband?

But imagine if he said to you 'I really miss my kids. If I hadn't got involved with you and had more kids, I'd probably be seeing them now'.
I'm not saying this is fact! But can't you see that people speaking their truth 100% of the time could be damaging to a relationship?

It would be lying and misleading. OP was truthful but tactless. She could have acknowledged his feelings and explained her priorities less bluntly.

If people don't want a truthful answer, why ask the question?

Because sometimes people want sympathy, or empathy, or just someone to listen.

Not every question requires brutal honest in return. Sometimes it's about choosing your moment and deciding that, actually, it's okay to keep some things to yourself.

There's a difference between lying and just not telling someone everything that's on your mind when they ask you a question, though.

@Clarice99 because OP says if they're asked a question, they have to be totally honest. So no private thoughts or feelings - they have to say exactly how they feel if they're asked.

I just don't think that's healthy and is potentially actually quite a toxic way of life.

You were too honest but not in a good way.

Total honesty can sometimes be brutal for the other person to hear.
You love your DH, he's obviously struggling not seeing his dc.
You empathise with that.
It would have been kinder to say "of course I miss them, I can't wait to see them, we could do xyz with them next week"
It's about empathy and kindness towards your dh.
Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't class it as lying, more sparing dhs feelings.

he’s grand but he seems a bit upset my response

Does "he's grand" mean that he's basically fine and despite being upset is moving on from the conversation? Because that means your total honesty policy is working. You replied honestly. He was a bit upset (and the reasons are obvious) but he was capable of taking it in and not making a huge deal out of it. This seems quite healthy to me.

I admire your total honesty policy and in many ways it's an ideal to aspire to, but one of the consequences is that both of you will inevitably say things that upset the other (and total honesty means that the upset partner will show it). The payoff is that despite all that, you don't let it become a huge thing that sours the relationship.

Maybe it is how you phrased it. I expect what you dont miss is the added work and the drama.

we have a total honesty policy. We’ve both been in really toxic relationships before and we know it’s better just to be honest, it might seem harsh or weird but it’s how we operate

If someone was 100% honest all the time I'd suspect they were ND . Most people can't be honest with themselves let alone other people.

What has being'totally honest' in this situation achieved? It's just upset him and not achieved anything positive. They are his kids and your kids siblings.

Could you have possibly said the same thing without sounding so harsh and blunt by saying it differently?

I suppose I'd frame it another way. If you didn't miss the kids and don't really care about them being there it would add another dimension. Are you indifferent to his kids? His question is probably a more nuanced question than you both realised. It might be that it requires more thought- and same with your answer.

Is it that you are up to your eyes and you're focussed on the stress of trying to see them being over so you can enjoy them again? Or do you really feel nothing towards them? Because I imagine he's gone away from this conversation thinking you feeling nothing towards his kids.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

Why wouldn't thoughts or feelings be allowed? It's not as though we have to voice everything we feel or think.

In this scenario, the OP was asked a direct question and gave an honest answer, within the 'honesty' terms of their relationship.

If people don't want a truthful answer, why ask the question?

@Wallflowersunite total honesty clause of the relationship aside, I don't think you were unreasonable to say you don't miss them if you don't.

With that policy he should be careful to only ask questions where he can bear to hear your honest answer without behaving like a controlling prick.

It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot here. I don’t think total honesty is a good policy - I do think you need to talk to each other properly about everything that’s happened.

I think "total honesty" is a pretty toxic way of managing a relationship.

Are neither of you allowed private thoughts and feelings about anything?

He asked -you responded.
I dont think cold or harsh defintely not indifferent . Given unsettled\sporadic contact you havent had a "usual"removed or stopped its a hollow question.Are you look forward to seeing/having roundwould be better suited?
You simply can not miss what youve never had.When you then
add personal details where your at\whats happening..altho not uniform,as such it is all progressive/developing/lead toward....further imminent changes.
i understand your concerns re potential repeat trouble/high conflict...particulrly reunification with name cleared dad...a wee one the two arent familiar with as yet and new baby soon. Once hes smarted over his own (reactive) feelings hopefully he'll realise this is a huge "family"adjustment upcoming...you both need to get to talking of look forward to getting lots time/more contact.speak about any concerns "blending" may come with and how to nurture the two older kids so they feel valued as part f family but special as well. i think.

You may have been a bit insensitive but ultimately I don't think you've been unreasonable. It's really important that parents who go into another relationship realise that their new partners do not, in most cases, have anything like the attachment to their children that they have. They need to be realistic and not pretend that there is more of a loyalty there than there is.

I’m a step-parent.

I miss them.

I love them now and I liked them before I loved them.

I appreciate that’s now how it is for everyone, but it is true for some of us.

Total honesty is total bullshit on the basis that neither of you will adhere to it.

Why would you miss someone else's children when you don't have a relationship with them .

His poor feelz haven't stopped him knocking you up twice then? So upset about his kids he can't see he thought he'd have some more?