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AIBU?

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Original poster

He told me to find someone else to have babies with

135 replies

Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:14

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Semiramide · 21/02/2025 21:32

“you need therapy to resolve your feelings of sadness about not having another child.”

I agree. You are emotionally overwhelming yourself with this deep desire for a child. Even if your husband were in agreement and you were able to get pregnant, I doubt it would satisfy this longing.

Don’t risk hurting your marriage. Instead talk to an experienced Counsellor to try and get to the bottom of what is driving this.

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 21/02/2025 21:32

You’re 47 and have teenagers. In the nicest possible way, the time for making babies has passed. I can totally understand your DH not wanting a baby. He’s probably looking forward to your kids being grown up.

you’re probably driven a bit by hormones and a feeling that time is running out. But do you really, really want a teenager in your 60s? Or supporting a young person through uni when you should be thinking about retirement? Really? It’s not just a pregnancy and a snuggly little baby. Also you can feel young and fit at 47, but not at all at 57. That was the case for my parents and their late baby suffered for it.

maybe get a puppy.

Summerhillsquare · 21/02/2025 21:31

Ah you poor thing. I think you know the answer already. Be gentle on yourself for a bit.

GoldenNuggets08 · 21/02/2025 21:30

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
but he has considered this. my now husband has never wanted any more. He would've considered it before he originally said this to you.

I think your thread title is a little disingenuous. Yes he did say it but it sounds like it was said in jest. If I said this to my OH at 37, never mind 47, he'd think I was joking and probably say something similar.

WeeOrcadian · 21/02/2025 21:29

How old is your DH?
.
You're very much at the 'end of the spectrum' for conceiving and DH has made his stance clear

Is this the first conversation you've had about adding to your children?

I mean, I can't blame him for not wanting to start over.

LaineyCee · 21/02/2025 21:28

Confronting our own mortality is frightening (and your recent health issues must have been dreadful) but you won’t escape by pretending you’re younger than you are, or that the last nine years of commitment to each other weren’t on the understanding that there would be no more babies.

Wonderberry · 21/02/2025 21:25

At 47, even without your history, your odds of conceiving spontaneously are very low. If you do conceive, this would be a high risk pregnancy. I agree, you need to worm on yourself and why you feel a need for a child now. It sounds like you have unresolved trauma.

Original poster
Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:24

@CheekyHobson no he said he thought I wasn’t being serious when I cried. I never said I wasn’t serious.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 21/02/2025 21:23

He made his stance clear from the get go. While you’re allowed to change your mind he doesn’t have to. And at least he isn’t bs-ing you and is straight forward with you.

CheekyHobson · 21/02/2025 21:21

The chances you could actually have a baby are vanishingly small and you are asking an enormous thing of your husband (and frankly, children), despite knowing he has never wanted another.

Then, after dropping this enormous suggestion on him and he rebuffs it, you say you weren’t being serious (so he must be wondering why you would play with his emotions like that) but it seems the reality is that you are serious and are cross with him for quite predictably not wanting to engage with the idea.

Gently, I think you need therapy to resolve your feelings of sadness about not having another child.