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AIBU?

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Original poster

He told me to find someone else to have babies with

135 replies

Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:14

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 22/02/2025 00:39

Yabu. I assume you have known ‘no more kids’ since the early stages of your relationship. You can’t expect him to suddenly change his mind. I’m mid 40s with teens and the thought of starting all over again with a baby is horrifying - I imagine he feels the same way and is well within his rights to refuse, especially as he’s never promised you any more kids. And that’s before you even get in to difficulties conceiving/high risk pregnancy etc. You’re going to have to be grateful for what you have and make your peace with it.

Thunderpants88 · 22/02/2025 00:38

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 21/02/2025 21:35

Kindly, op, yabvu

I hate siding with a straight man but his reaction is understandable

Any grandkids on the horizon?

Enjoy your life - a child will be so exhausting - do you really want another 18 years of parental responsibility?

❤️

“I hate siding with a straight man”

what on earth!?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/02/2025 00:38

Ottersmith · 21/02/2025 23:55

What contraception do you use? Just see what happens maybe? Or get a puppy. Men can be very unsupportive and dim about stuff like this.

Why are there so many women on here who think it’s OK to suggest that we ‘oops’ men?

LBFseBrom · 22/02/2025 00:33

Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:24

@CheekyHobson no he said he thought I wasn’t being serious when I cried. I never said I wasn’t serious.

Fair enough, he didn't think you were serious. I wouldn't have thought you were serious either. I am sorry you were so very ill, that must have been harrowing, however you recovered and have much to look forward to. A baby you do not need, you have kids. Enjoy your life.

Onthemaintrunkline · 22/02/2025 00:23

Personally I wouldn’t want to be 67/68 and have a 20 year old. I mean honestly I wouldn’t. You do get to the stage I think whereby you are happy with the children you have and past the infant, toddler, school years and all the work and worry they present. Lots of love also but, hey that’s just me.

IridiumSky · 22/02/2025 00:21

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 21/02/2025 21:35

Kindly, op, yabvu

I hate siding with a straight man but his reaction is understandable

Any grandkids on the horizon?

Enjoy your life - a child will be so exhausting - do you really want another 18 years of parental responsibility?

❤️

Only 18 years?

You got off lightly 😀

andthat · 22/02/2025 00:19

LittleMG · 21/02/2025 22:31

YANBU that was a hurtful nasty thing to say. Nothing to do with your chances of actually having a baby.

I don’t get this reaction. Why on earth should he try for a baby if he doesn’t want one?

He’s telling her that if that’s is her dream, then she needs to separate and meet someone who shares it.

Nothing nasty about that. The OP might not like it… but far worse to string her along if that is a deal breaker for her.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2025 00:13

Ottersmith · 21/02/2025 23:57

You are being really judgey about older Mothers. I've seen plenty of shit young Mother's. Times have changed, being 70 doesn't mean you are decrepit. Sort out your prejudice.

Show quote history

How is it judgey to say that they older you are, the harder it will be? My mother is early 70's, she gets very easily worn out by my kids, late teens and early twenties which would be the age her kid would be if she had had one at 47. All age related issues and considered perfectly normal but not fair for a kid to have to deal with that just as they are launching themselves into their own lives.

On the thread about "is 45 too old to have a baby" there are a few posts from women who were those kids and they all said not to do it. What is right for the woman often isnt right for the child.

EconomyClassRockstar · 22/02/2025 00:10

This is the time time to start concentrating on yourselves, not bringing another baby into the world. You are going to blink and be empty nesters so I would go and find out what else you want in life, other than having children. The happiest empty nesters I know (and I include DH and I in this) are those who started concentrating on themselves a little when their kids were teenagers. There is so much more out there other than changing nappies!

CheekyHobson · 22/02/2025 00:10

KimberleyClark · 21/02/2025 23:58

Careful, you get deleted for suggesting someone needs therapy these days.

Show quote history

Well, I guess I’ll be among friends as I’m far from the only person suggesting it may be helpful here!

treesocks23 · 22/02/2025 00:10

Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:54

@mumofoneAlonebutokay no grandkids on horizon, they’re 14.16 and 20 and the 20 year old has travel and a career in sight. I had thought about that though, maybe in ten years or so…🙏

I don’t know how I got to 47 and too late, feels like yesterday I had my two. My grandmother was 44 when she had my mother, but granted she had two tubes. My mum does also say she’s now lost all her family and finds it hard. She lost her last sister 5 years ago, her sisters were 18 and 20 years older.

I think I will go and talk to someone. I read all your messages in tears and am now a blubbery wreck. But I hear you, I am too old. If I did manage it there could be complications. I guess life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I am endlessly grateful for the three we’ve got though, they are ace. So I need to focus on that.

OP I do feel for you. My mum said to me that she never stopped feeling broody, even after menopause. And for ‘her’ children, not grandchildren. She knew it was ridiculous but it still stayed with her. I had my first two in early/mid twenties and did have a moment in my mid thirties when I really wanted another. But I miscarried and it wasn’t a nice process and it scared me. I realised my thoughts were selfish. My DH and children were happy how they were. And this other child would have had a large age gap with its siblings and cousins who were so close. And there wouldn’t be any other cousins joining them as my own siblings are much older. After that, I put the idea to bed. DH had a vasectomy and we have been together you’re happy with our two who are so so close as teenagers. You will get your head around a different point in your life, you just need a bit of time to get there x

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:09

When your child is 18 ish you’ll be 70 ish. Nope

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:06

Jffs · 21/02/2025 21:24

@CheekyHobson no he said he thought I wasn’t being serious when I cried. I never said I wasn’t serious.

You’re changing the goal post to fit your narrative. I’m with your husband here.

LemonPorkLasagna · 22/02/2025 00:05

Firstly he said from the beginning he didn't want another child. He's still sure of that so don't try to emotionally manipulate him into it.

Second of all, you're 47, having a baby naturally is incredibly unlikely and would be idiotic given the risks.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2025 00:03

Pre menopause broodiness.

I have posted about this a lot in recent months, because it really is a thing. Your body is screaming at you that its your last chance to have a baby. Every woman I know well enough to ask went through it, its like your ovaries are saying "Dont waste these last couple of eggs!!"

It will pass, I promise.

Mumlaplomb · 22/02/2025 00:02

OP I think this sounds like a combination of your kids growing up and not needing you in the same way as they did when they were little, and grief for the fact your pregnancies and presumably time raising them as little ones was tainted by your abusive past relationship.
The idea of another baby was the chance to put the past right somehow.

Counselling is the answer here OP, and best of luck to you. I hope you can find happiness in your present life as you deserve it xx

Needspaceforlego · 22/02/2025 00:02

Op he's made his position clear.
Tbh I don't blame him by the time a baby is here you'd be 48 + 18 = 66 so retirement age with a child barely finished school.

Where's the chance for you to have time to yourselves, not worry about school holidays and childcare etc etc

KimberleyClark · 21/02/2025 23:58

CheekyHobson · 21/02/2025 21:21

The chances you could actually have a baby are vanishingly small and you are asking an enormous thing of your husband (and frankly, children), despite knowing he has never wanted another.

Then, after dropping this enormous suggestion on him and he rebuffs it, you say you weren’t being serious (so he must be wondering why you would play with his emotions like that) but it seems the reality is that you are serious and are cross with him for quite predictably not wanting to engage with the idea.

Gently, I think you need therapy to resolve your feelings of sadness about not having another child.

Edited

Careful, you get deleted for suggesting someone needs therapy these days.

Ottersmith · 21/02/2025 23:57

Hortus · 21/02/2025 23:33

It's so selfish to even think of having another baby at that age, you're too old.
You're only thinking about yourself, not the feelings of your husband and your existing children, let alone a potential child having parents of that age.
Neither are you thinking about what it would be like to be pushing 70 or more with a child still at university. You could be nearly 80 before the child married or had children, that's if you were still alive.
The risk of the potential child of having Downs or other learning disabilities is hugely increased at your age too.
It's time to accept that you'll be coming up to menopause and your time to reproduce is over, and to realise that it will be your children's time to have children in the future, with you as a loving grandmother( which is an absolutely joyous thing I've found, from my own experience of becoming a grandma when I was 50).

You are being really judgey about older Mothers. I've seen plenty of shit young Mother's. Times have changed, being 70 doesn't mean you are decrepit. Sort out your prejudice.

Ottersmith · 21/02/2025 23:55

What contraception do you use? Just see what happens maybe? Or get a puppy. Men can be very unsupportive and dim about stuff like this.

SunnyOlive · 21/02/2025 23:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RomComPhooey · 21/02/2025 23:44

One of my friends is now a grandma only a couple of years older than you. Whatever is going on for you, whether it’s a meno-related hormonal surge, unresolved trauma from your abusive relationship or a reaction to losing an ovary, it seems highly unlikely a baby is the answer. You’ve had good advice on the thread about seeking counselling.

SheridansPortSalut · 21/02/2025 23:39

At 47 that ship has sailed.
It's out of your hands and it's out of your husband hands. Don't blow up your relationship chasing something that's not viable.
You need to find a way to accept that and allow yourself time to grieve.

Hortus · 21/02/2025 23:33

It's so selfish to even think of having another baby at that age, you're too old.
You're only thinking about yourself, not the feelings of your husband and your existing children, let alone a potential child having parents of that age.
Neither are you thinking about what it would be like to be pushing 70 or more with a child still at university. You could be nearly 80 before the child married or had children, that's if you were still alive.
The risk of the potential child of having Downs or other learning disabilities is hugely increased at your age too.
It's time to accept that you'll be coming up to menopause and your time to reproduce is over, and to realise that it will be your children's time to have children in the future, with you as a loving grandmother( which is an absolutely joyous thing I've found, from my own experience of becoming a grandma when I was 50).

anonny55 · 21/02/2025 23:32

Kindly OP regular periods mean nothing. I'm mid 20s with clock work periods and it took me 4 years to conceive..me and DH both had fertility test that showed healthy eggs and healthy sperm and it still Took that long.