Agoraphobia and Wedding

No. Selfish isn’t having a Mental Health condition that you have very little control over (even with therapy and meds it is not a magic cure, the battle is huge), selfish is expecting a person suffering with agoraphobia to attend a wedding because “all eyes must be on me, me, me”.

I'd understand. As others have said, you cannot pull yourself together to get over agoraphobia. A person needs therapy, possibly medication, time and a great deal of courage to overcome it. I'd chose other ways for them to be involved (if they want) eg could I have a hens tea at theirs, could I get ready at theirs, or swing by their house on the way to / from the wedding, could I set up a video link etc. I'd treat it exactly the same as if they had a physical health condition and couldn't attend.

It is a lot harder to access all of these if you can't leave the house. Therapy is hard to find anyway and online therapy even more.
I would also leave the house to get a prescription so during the times I wasn't able to I just didn't have meds. Nor ever visited any doctor.

I misread this as arachnophobia and wondered why they wouldn’t chose a spider free venue, but for agoraphobia you can’t just ‘pull yourself together’ - it’s an incredibly complex condition no one wants to have!

If they were 100% engaging with therapy, medication, doctors and everything else and still struggling, I would respect them.
If they were having no treatment or had given up on it, I would find them selfish.

I was given that book 34 years ago and it remains one of the best mental health books I’ve ever read.
It is a bit outdated now but there was some great chapters I remember and use!
I had terrible agoraphobia and decades later it rears its head. It is horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

It's MH... as usual, people who've never had problems with it are very happy to wade in with their assertions that any condition can be overcome with a change of attitude.

Generally, these people are twats.

If someone has agoraphobia and is struggling severely, they are living with fear, disabling fear, and cannot pull themselves together for a wedding. The fear they feel at the prospect of going outside the house or into a shop, a bus, a train, a pub, a cafe, a party, a church or a wedding is not a thing you can see; it's not an actual real danger out in the world but no less terrifying to the person. It's a terror within, something that feels frightening and threatening, causing panic and intense fear as if they are breaking apart, that haunts and paralyses and may disturb their sleep with night terrors also.

I am a great believer in finding ways to help oneself and learn how to cope with or overcome mental problems, fears and obstacles and get help with such things but it isn't something you can do immediately like switching on a light. It takes time and prolonged effort, usually with professional support, along with learning and practising self help techniques to rebuild the shattered self step by step.

I’d feel like doing everything I possibly could to have them feel included in the day somehow. I’d have someone livestream it for them, send them a nice meal and go and visit them if they were close by.

I couldn't 'pull myself together' and attend an important family event. Thank god my family understood.

I'm fine now btw but that's probably got a lot to do with a supportive loving family.

I would offer to make reasonable adjustments to make it easier for them to attend eg placement in the buildings etc but ultimately if they can't attend i would reassure them it is ok

It isn’t something you can take a break from from because you might upset your siblings.

Id offer them a link to watch it from the comfort of their own home. Acrophobia isn't a joke so I would completely understand, it's not something you can just pull yourself together from.

I'd understand although I would miss them

If only an agoraphobic person could pull themselves together to attend. That would end all MH issues if we could just do that!

Honestly, I would understand, I would ask the agoraphobic person if there was anything I could do to help, but accept whatever they decide. Perhaps they can attend the ceremony at the back of the room but not the reception, or they perhaps can't attend at all. Whatever suits is fine. I would also hate to be the cause of any additional stress for someone with MH issues.

If I had a sibling with a medical issue, I would figure out how to plan a wedding that would accommodate that medical issue. Having my closest family attend my wedding is more important than any preconceived idea I might have about what a wedding looks like.

I didn't read the OP as being the one with severe MH issues , but if that's so I apologise OP . If it's a relative of yours expecting you to " pull yourself together " then feel free to forward my message to them ! .

It sounds like OP is more likely the agoraphobic one - no need to be so hostile when you don't even have all the facts.

Buy them claire weekes book saved my life.
Also send youtube links for claire weeks talks.
I know how it feels its awful to live with.

Agoraphobia is debilitating! Please have some compassion - it is a dreadful condition - experienced this after being in town and suddenly got dizzy spells - and I could not leave the flat for fear of another one - now with medication and exposure therapy I can now leave the flat

I would completely understand and respect their decision. I would also acknowledge them the b/g thank you speech. My sibling couldn't be here today in person but their presence is felt, something like that.

I don't know which sibling you are.

I take things on a best efforts basis.

If some has self diagnosed agoraphobia has never tried medication and counselling, I would probably hope they would try everything possible to try overcome it. It would mean a lot to me if they started engaging with services so that even if they didn't make the wedding, they wouldn't miss out on future events.

If a diagnosed and doing everything possible to seek help and improve things, I would completely understand.

To me, the level of effort would mean a lot.

That said, it's a big ask either way. I would really miss my sibling at a wedding but I would hope I would be compassionate enough to get over myself if it just wasn't possible for them to attend.

Are you that sibling op?

I would set up a laptop and they could watch via Zoom (like I did for my sister who was pregnant and couldn't travel).

I suffer with Agoraphobia. It is managed better at the moment, but there is absolutely no way I would expect anyone genuinely suffering with it to go anywhere.

I would hope I'd be understanding of their condition and find a way to have them included some way that they'd be comfortable. A video link or recorded reading or toast to share on the day?