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AIBU?

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Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 21/02/2025 20:56

Well done, op. Change those locks and change that tracker thing.

Too many men believe women are not quite human - domestic appliances whose sole purpose is to centre and serve them.

You have a job that is significant enough to support yourself, your adult DC (what's the story there, though), your younger DCs, your mortgage, your car and your cat. None of which place him at the centre. He's on the outskirts of your life and resents this, hence trying to muscle in on your meeting and your cleaning job.

The jealousy is nasty and can become worse.

The hypochondria and guilt tripping attempts may be a controlling tactic in a situation where he wants - but lacks -control.

BunnyLake · 21/02/2025 20:55

Stick your key in the door when you're wfh. He would get on my wick with that attitude and I wouldn't like someone, even a partner, turning up without a courtesy text first.

DaffodillyDallyDame · 21/02/2025 20:54

I don’t want to send him off into a “she must be with someone else to have hidden her location!” rage.

Don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet that you have broken up with him. His feelings and reactions are no longer your concern and must not determine your actions.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:53

OP I understand about the find my phone, but you really can't feed him by allowing him to know where you are.

OwlInTheOak · 21/02/2025 20:53

Turn the find my friend off now. I can imagine he'll react worse if it's on then suddenly off in a few days than seeing you've turned it off as you separated.

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:51

Oh God no. Definitely turn off your location. Do it in the morning if you’re worried it will inflame him tonight.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:50

He has me on find my iPhone. One one hand I don’t want him knowing where I am but on the other I don’t want to send him off into a “she must be with someone else to have hidden her location!” rage.

@NeverDropYourMooncup interestingly when I was on the way home from his earlier I realised that the health episode in October was when he was working away from home, alone and was taken to a non-local hospital. The one yesterday was when he was at home alone and whilst his adult child drove him to A&E he miraculously felt better when he got there/saw the queue and couldn’t be bothered to wait. One of my very best friends works there. The first health incident was quite some time ago before he knew that I had a close friend in our local A&E. Coincidence?

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:50

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:48

To be honest I would block him on everything so you don’t have to tolerate any additional shit.

No, not yet. He may indicate his next move to OP, and forewarned is forearmed.

MrsLeonFarrell · 21/02/2025 20:49

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:35

Key is safely inside and yes I will change lock.

It’s like there are two people inside of me- the one that knew he was a twat all the time but another that was actually in the relationship and thought he was nice. I can’t work out why the gutsy one didn’t show up sooner.

I believe you said you'd had another difficult relationship? I would bet the gutsy one turned up more quickly this time, so well done you.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:48

A&E on a Friday night can be quite unpleasant, maybe he'll bide his time.

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:48

To be honest I would block him on everything so you don’t have to tolerate any additional shit.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:47

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2025 20:44

Wonder if the local A&E's already wasting their time and money looking after him tonight? Or whether his next planned emergency admission is for the weekend?

Oh no doubt he's planning something!

martinisforeveryone · 21/02/2025 20:46

Good riddance.

@Inchacha
he's not good to you
he's not good enough for you
he's not a good man

As a point of reference I went to see a DC working from home over lunch today.
I made an arrangement beforehand. Messaged when I was nearly there. The door was left on the latch for me to let myself in and seeing they were on a call, I waited in another room.

That is how a regular, mannered, adult person behaves, let alone one who's supposed to have your back.

Don't backtrack.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:45

I agree with pp, a text or email to him making it clear your relationship is over is good insurance should he escalate.

diddl · 21/02/2025 20:45

I can’t work out why the gutsy one didn’t show up sooner.

Better late than never!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2025 20:44

Wonder if the local A&E's already wasting their time and money looking after him tonight? Or whether his next planned emergency admission is for the weekend?

Turmerictolly · 21/02/2025 20:41

Make sure you take the keys out of the lock box.

Also, it can't have been good for the children who live with you to have him turn up unannounced. They might want their privacy/ uninterrupted time with you. I hope you do dump him, he sounds controlling and manipulative.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 21/02/2025 20:41

Actually OP, you might be wise to put it on a text so you have in writing that you have ended the relationship.

If he gets difficult and a bit illegal, you have proof to the police that you have made your feelings clear when he's harassing the living daylights out of you cos he can't believe you would actually have the temerity to dump him

Loloj · 21/02/2025 20:41

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Be prepared for him to start backtracking OP.

He will realise he has pushed you too far and start trying to guilt trip you with all his “health anxiety issues”. Don’t fall for it.

If he comes knocking then don’t answer the door.

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 20:39

Please be careful here OP.

If he’s causing a problem, don’t be afraid to call the police.

anothermnuser123 · 21/02/2025 20:38

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Thats good you made it clear its over as that would be his next excuse. If he does come over, tell him to leave and if he doesnt you will call the police, you have made it clear, its not your fault if he ignores it but you need to protect yourself.

Well done for recognising the behaviour and acting. Hopefully you can recognise this sooner next time but I think the freedom programme is never a bad idea. Good luck for the future.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 21/02/2025 20:37

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:08

Just to clear a few things up:

  1. He didn’t ask for a cuppa, I made one for him to be nice as there would have been a snippy remark later if I had not paid him any attention
  2. He didn’t actually say that as my partner he should take priority over my work, that’s simply what I was anticipating

I have just seen him. I decided to tell him how embarrassed I’d been about the stupid noises he made on the call/turning up unannounced and see how he reacted.

He said that he didn’t know I was on a call or even that the noises would have been audible anyway (of course he did. I’d been talking ffs!)

He was obviously cross at this point. So when I quite calmly also asked him not to turn up without letting me know he was furious. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t. I said that it wasn’t being silly, he knew I didn’t like it and it was a very reasonable request.

He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in, he was “good enough to run around after your dad but not good enough to be able to just pop in when he was passing”.

He told me to get out of his house as he didn’t want to see me- so I did :) I got my boots on and left. I don’t think he really thought I would. I had to lock the car doors once I was in as he came running out of the house and tried opening the drivers side.

I actually smiled with relief when I drove away. I hadn’t realised how wrong this had all felt until this afternoon. The penny actually dropped.

I am sat on the sofa with my cat. V relieved. Thank you MNers.

Before I read this update, I knew he would suggest at some point that you were talking to another man rather than actually working. It's gaslighting.

Look at it all from a gaslighting POV and your eyebrows will raise even higher.

Congratulations but he will be a PITA for the next month I bet.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:35

Key is safely inside and yes I will change lock.

It’s like there are two people inside of me- the one that knew he was a twat all the time but another that was actually in the relationship and thought he was nice. I can’t work out why the gutsy one didn’t show up sooner.

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 21/02/2025 20:34

BlueGantry · 21/02/2025 16:52

thank you so much! 🌹 newbie here

Show quote history

WELCOME! 💛

PorridgeEater · 21/02/2025 20:31

Good riddance.
Take the key out of the key box now, and not a bad idea to change the locks if you think there's any chance he might have copied a key - just for your peace of mind.
Don't let him "come and talk about it" - he's said more than enough already.