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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
anothermnuser123 · 21/02/2025 15:31

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:24

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this. I’d also messaged him this morning to see how he was as I know how worried he is about his ongoing health concerns, but he hasn’t replied and knew that this would in turn concern me. He’d seen the message. He just wanted drama didn’t he?

The more you post, the more manipulative he sounds. He knows you dont like something but does it anyway. He knows you would worry so did the thing that would cause that.

This doesn't sound like a good guy. Why are you accepting this behaviour? You deserve better than a manipulative man child

WorkHardPlay · 21/02/2025 15:31

Seriously, put him in the bin and get rid.

GoldenLegend · 21/02/2025 15:31

I would dump him for this. No exaggeration.

NZDreaming · 21/02/2025 15:31

@Inchacha lets make a list:

  • disregard your boundaries by coming over unannounced
  • embarrassed you in front of colleagues
  • disrespects your career
  • sulks when he doesn’t get the attention he wants
  • stonewalls you to punish you for not doing what he wanted

Have I missed anything?

AttachmentFTW · 21/02/2025 15:31

The behaviour in the original post was ridiculous and childish but your updates are huge red flags. Putting you and your job down; making you worry unnecessarily about him by purposely not communicating; violating your boundaries by showing up at yours and your children's home unannounced.

Throw this one back OP! You deserve better.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:30

I’ve not sat down and thought about lots of these things before. I’ve got a history of not setting great boundaries. An emotionally abusive ex-h made sure that I didn’t know a healthy boundary from a shitty one- thought I’d worked on this but seems I need to do more work.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 21/02/2025 15:29

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 21/02/2025 15:27

The word sabotage came into my mind reading this.

Precisely!

Hairoit · 21/02/2025 15:29

OP, the hills are that way 👉

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2025 15:29

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:24

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this. I’d also messaged him this morning to see how he was as I know how worried he is about his ongoing health concerns, but he hasn’t replied and knew that this would in turn concern me. He’d seen the message. He just wanted drama didn’t he?

I’m afraid he’s been an absolute arse. How incredibly childish for him to interrupt your call by making stupid noises-is he 5? I’d be telling him very clearly that he is not to come over without warning and certainly not when you’re working. It’s unfortunate he’s having a health issue, but that doesn’t give him a pass to act like an attention seeking toddler.

sandyhappypeople · 21/02/2025 15:29

Good god, get rid of him, he sounds insufferable.

Wishboneswishes · 21/02/2025 15:29

He’s being a big baby!
If you were at the office would he have done the same thing? Course he wouldn’t. Just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you’re not working.
Tell him to get a grip OP.
Is he always needy and clingy in other aspects of life as well as health? Might be worth looking at the bigger picture to see if you want to continue the relationship.

Horses7 · 21/02/2025 15:28

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Anonforthis58 · 21/02/2025 15:28

He’s a disrespectful idiot. Leave him. You can do better than this sulky man child.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 21/02/2025 15:27

The word sabotage came into my mind reading this.

FarTooWindyOutThere · 21/02/2025 15:27

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:24

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this. I’d also messaged him this morning to see how he was as I know how worried he is about his ongoing health concerns, but he hasn’t replied and knew that this would in turn concern me. He’d seen the message. He just wanted drama didn’t he?

Yep.

I'd finish with him tbh. You've got a job to do and also have adult children so must be a similar age to me (50).

I really couldn't be doing with this. If nothing else, it's embarrassing. I'd be eembarrassed that my children knew this was who I'd chosen to commit myself to when I was old enough to know better!

PickAChew · 21/02/2025 15:26

It doesn't sound good because it isn't good. You need to have very strong words and make it clear that your bills don't pay themselves and that, if he doesn't like you working, he needs to bugger off for good, if he so much as tries to ridicule you.

Ohnobackagain · 21/02/2025 15:26

Thank God he has shown his true colours before you move in together. This is nuts. I would maybe excuse myself from a meeting to answer the door (I don’t even always do that) but nothing more. It is no different than a face to face meeting - would you let anyone make you stop for 15 minutes? Other than a genuine emergency? No.

Get rid @Inchacha

Birdseyetrifle · 21/02/2025 15:26

Why you putting up with this idiot?

He’s been very disrespectful and I certainly would not be contacting him. He owes you an apology.

Americano75 · 21/02/2025 15:26

Oh, please dump this pathetic excuse for a man. That's astonishing behaviour from a supposed adult.

WearyAuldWumman · 21/02/2025 15:25

Under no circumstances should your SO undermine you at work. Unforgivable.

JG4 · 21/02/2025 15:25

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

Just re read what you wrote and start counting the red flags . Is this really the relationship you want to be in ? Can you imagine living with this kind of treatment or God forbid, have children with him ? RUN

Starryknightcloud · 21/02/2025 15:25

God dump this controlling loser. So many red flags.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:24

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this. I’d also messaged him this morning to see how he was as I know how worried he is about his ongoing health concerns, but he hasn’t replied and knew that this would in turn concern me. He’d seen the message. He just wanted drama didn’t he?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 15:23

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:12

A few answers-

Adult dc let him in. I didn’t know he was there until I asked dc who had been at the door.

Meeting was a long one with many attendees and it’s not unusual for us to take a few mins out to answer door or go to loo etc so this wasn’t an issue.

I will raise with him the disrespect of interrupting. I do know the response though- he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job. It’s not necessarily important to the world but it is to me as it pays my mortgage and funds the life of my 3ds and I- 20/16/10.

This doesn’t sound good when I write it down.

He sounds pretty old fashioned. Does he think that women's jobs are just for a bit of 'pin money' and that their main job is looking after their husband/partner?

OverthinkingOlive · 21/02/2025 15:23

You cannot seriously be attracted to this absolute wally