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AIBU?

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Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
DaffodillyDallyDame · 21/02/2025 20:29

I’m usually sceptical when threads see such a development in the space of a few hours. But, given the issues you’ve obviously previously mentioned - I’m ready to cheer on your behalf, @Inchacha.

(People have asked what he brings to your life and you noticeably haven’t been able to come up with anything!)

Do be sure your offspring understand he isn’t to be let in - for any reason.

Really, it was no way to live.

RetroTotty · 21/02/2025 20:27

Fantastic news! please be careful now OP as men like this do not like being told NO and think how dare you break up with him?

Be aware that he may try placating you, try to make you feel guilty, have a sudden 'health emergency' a 'mental breakdown' etc; etc; don't fall for it!

If (hopefully) none of this works, the abuse may start big time. On no account let him into your home ever again.

SofaSpuds · 21/02/2025 20:27

Two thinks strike me from your post:

  1. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t.
    He still has that jealous streak! Actually control streak!!

  2. I actually smiled with relief when I drove away
    Keep remembering this feeling!!

Actually point no.3 - who treats someone they love like this?
He also threw at me the fact that he took me to the hospital a few weeks ago as my dad had been rushed in

DeepFatFried · 21/02/2025 20:26

Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t.

Bloody hell.

OP, SO glad you have swapped him for your cat. And well done with the dead lock. Yes, change the key safe code. I would take the spare key out right now in case he comes and takes it / copies it.

It might be very difficult for your Dc if he shows up, tell them not to answer the door unless they know it is a delivery or a known person?

WELL DONE!

GameOfJones · 21/02/2025 20:26

Definitely take the keys out of that box. To be honest I'd be getting the locks changed as well as the key safe combination as you don't know he hasn't had a key cut. His comment about "what are you hiding if I can't drop in unannounced" tells you all you need to know about his controlling and jealous nature.

Block him.

Crupts · 21/02/2025 20:25

Do not be surprised if he threatens to self harm.
Should he, you need to request the police do a "welfare check" as you have left an controlling relationship and he is now threatening to self harm.

They are well used to scum like him.
Whatever you do, do not allow him in your house again.
He is unhinged. Be very wary.

WilfredsPies · 21/02/2025 20:24

Well done OP, but I agree that he’s not going to go quietly. I wouldn’t trust him not to have a copy of a key ‘just in case’ so changing the locks as well as the code would be my first priority tomorrow morning.

Suzuki76 · 21/02/2025 20:23

Remove the keys! And block him.

DazedDragon · 21/02/2025 20:22

@Inchacha I'd take the key out of the box tonight, just in case...

He sounds VERY intense and rather controlling. He was exceptionally rude to keep interrupting your work call, but to turn it back round on you isn't acceptable.

MrsLeonFarrell · 21/02/2025 20:21

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

Can you take the keys out of the box overnight?

Also make sure your children know it is over so they don't let him in.

gettingthehangofsewing · 21/02/2025 20:20

Good for you op. I agree his actions sound controlling. He will probably be apologetic next and try to demonstrate he has changed. He hasn't changed he just realised his bullying isn't working.

Crupts · 21/02/2025 20:19

Change the code tonight.

Please text him that it is over.
If he comes near your home you WILL call the police.

This will be your proof shiuld you need it.
Well done.

Pickledpeanuts · 21/02/2025 20:19

Good for you OP. The switch between being cross with you to chasing you to the car is crazy. He knows he's lost control.

His immediate suspicion around what you were hiding shows his behaviour was rooted in jealousy and control.

diddl · 21/02/2025 20:19

He sounds stupid, nasty, needy, manipulative & possibly frightening all at the same time!

stampin · 21/02/2025 20:17

I find it hard to believe he's going to go quietly OP. Be careful.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 20:17

He sounds really needy and over-sensitive with no idea of boundaries. Well done for walking out and going home.

I doubt that he will leave you alone though. He'll be panicking right now. Don't let him guilt trip you. You've got your own adult children, you don't need another.

MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 20:17

He could have already secretly got a key cut.
Change your locks to be sure. He sounds a real creep who won't take this well.

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 20:15

He doesn’t have a key but does know they code to the box where they are kept so will change that tomorrow and deadlock the door tonight.

I am a bit nervous that he might just come over though- we had a brief phone call just now where I said that this is it and we are over. He asked to come and talk about it but I said no, it’s done. If he does come over I shan’t answer the door.

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 21/02/2025 20:15

He sounds awful and extremely childish.
I'd get rid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2025 20:15

Good for you.

NOW STICK TO IT!!!

He's told you that you aren't allowed boundaries. You have to lose him to have them.

StrongasSixpence · 21/02/2025 20:14

Great work not taking his shit.

Evaka · 21/02/2025 20:14

Good on you OP! Stand firm, he sounds nuts and an absolute drag on you. Enjoy the peace xx

LillyPJ · 21/02/2025 20:13

He's showing massive disrespect for your work. He was lucky to get a cup of tea.

Hedgingmybetching · 21/02/2025 20:13

Holy shit, well done OP. What a relief! Xx

ctk496 · 21/02/2025 20:12

I’d be seriously worried about his intentions and abuse being a risk … I have been in very abusive relationships so undersatand it’s very hard to unblane yourself

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