WIBU to tell my mum the truth about why DD is not bilingual?

TicklishMintDuck · 22/02/2025 19:18

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 15:31

As you quoted, I can understand why other EE languages aren't yet available as the amount of children speaking the language of a country which isn't greatly numerous in the UK is not financially viable. However, I think the exam boards should catch up with a more common language such as Romanian.

Whilst a pp said having a GCSE in a home language is not key, all of our bilingual students are keen. They usually do it at the end of year 10 in our school. We had Turkish, Polish, French, Spanish, Arabic and Russian last year. We offer French and Spanish anyway but the native speakers usually take the 'opposite' one for GCSE choice if they have to do a language.

Show quote history

Yes, we have 28 students doing their home language GCSE and I agree that Romanian should be available.

OhBow · 22/02/2025 16:49

100% right imo.

Considering the sort of crap your dm says about body size and weight, your dd was at significant risk of an eating disorder.

Having a second language and a serious problem with food vs neither... I know which I'd choose.

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 16:36

Manthide · 22/02/2025 16:31

I am very upset that my now exdh never encouraged our 4dc to speak his language and therefore have a relationship with his parents. The eldest two dc were born abroad and were bilingual when young - we came back to UK when they were 5 and 7. They did get A* in their 'free' gcse but have never really expressed much interest in the language but it was their choice. Dd2 now speaks a Chinese dialect to her ds and he is bilingual (age 3).
The younger 2dc were born in UK and exdh never spoke to them in his language dispute being at home since they were very young. I think it was because he wanted to control the relationship between them and his parents - who were perfectly fine people (now deceased). It's particularly difficult for them because both their first name and surname are completely foreign and people see that and speak to them in that language. It is embarrassing for them.

DD's name is fully English(OH's last name). There's no sign she has one foreign parent. That was also a considered and deliberate decision. Whether right or wrong... only time will tell.

OP posts:

coxesorangepippin · 22/02/2025 16:34

Hmm, tough one

I think it's a huge shame not to have taught your child a second language to shield her from your mother's comments

Seems a bit drastic, and detrimental to your child

Knowing a second language is a huge asset

Manthide · 22/02/2025 16:31

I am very upset that my now exdh never encouraged our 4dc to speak his language and therefore have a relationship with his parents. The eldest two dc were born abroad and were bilingual when young - we came back to UK when they were 5 and 7. They did get A* in their 'free' gcse but have never really expressed much interest in the language but it was their choice. Dd2 now speaks a Chinese dialect to her ds and he is bilingual (age 3).
The younger 2dc were born in UK and exdh never spoke to them in his language dispute being at home since they were very young. I think it was because he wanted to control the relationship between them and his parents - who were perfectly fine people (now deceased). It's particularly difficult for them because both their first name and surname are completely foreign and people see that and speak to them in that language. It is embarrassing for them.

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 15:31

TicklishMintDuck · 22/02/2025 14:25

Romanian is a Latin-based language though, so Romanian speakers generally pick up Spanish and French really well. I might have misunderstood your comment though re EE languages.

Show quote history

As you quoted, I can understand why other EE languages aren't yet available as the amount of children speaking the language of a country which isn't greatly numerous in the UK is not financially viable. However, I think the exam boards should catch up with a more common language such as Romanian.

Whilst a pp said having a GCSE in a home language is not key, all of our bilingual students are keen. They usually do it at the end of year 10 in our school. We had Turkish, Polish, French, Spanish, Arabic and Russian last year. We offer French and Spanish anyway but the native speakers usually take the 'opposite' one for GCSE choice if they have to do a language.

TicklishMintDuck · 22/02/2025 14:25

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2025 16:20

I find it really odd, given the influx of Romanian immigrants, that that isn’t yet an option at GCSE, but I understand why other EE languages aren’t yet available.

Show quote history

Romanian is a Latin-based language though, so Romanian speakers generally pick up Spanish and French really well. I might have misunderstood your comment though re EE languages.

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:19

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 13:16

Well she does know a few bits here and there, some words, a few nursery rhymes etc. as I did have some attempts before English became a priority and she kinda understands a bit if I were to do very slow basic questions like "want water?" or something. Nowhere near enough to actually hold a proper conversation or understand a stupid rant about whatever.

Show quote history

You can only support it if she wants to study futher.
If not. Leave it.

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 13:16

twoshedsjackson · 22/02/2025 13:08

Given the other issues you were dealing with, I can see why encouraging a second language fell by the wayside. As a teacher, I saw what efforts some parents (e.g. Polish, Chinese) had to put into fostering this skill. They did it cheerfully, but regular attendance at Saturday school and regular visits back to the "old country" call for time, energy and commitment, and your DD had other issues with her language development.
However, playing devil's advocate for a moment, couldn't you have taught her a few useful phrases, such as "Give it a rest, you daft old bat!"?

Well she does know a few bits here and there, some words, a few nursery rhymes etc. as I did have some attempts before English became a priority and she kinda understands a bit if I were to do very slow basic questions like "want water?" or something. Nowhere near enough to actually hold a proper conversation or understand a stupid rant about whatever.

OP posts:

twoshedsjackson · 22/02/2025 13:08

Given the other issues you were dealing with, I can see why encouraging a second language fell by the wayside. As a teacher, I saw what efforts some parents (e.g. Polish, Chinese) had to put into fostering this skill. They did it cheerfully, but regular attendance at Saturday school and regular visits back to the "old country" call for time, energy and commitment, and your DD had other issues with her language development.
However, playing devil's advocate for a moment, couldn't you have taught her a few useful phrases, such as "Give it a rest, you daft old bat!"?

FirstTimeMum881 · 22/02/2025 12:49

I am also an immigrant and have a little boy with an English man. It's a tremendous amount of work on my part to teach him my language. Just speaking it a bit around him is not enough, it takes a lot of active input from me. And at the end of it, he'll be able to understand his grandparents and say a few broken phrases. I'm only doing it so he can have some sort of relationship with my family but he won't be fluent in it and it will do very little for his language skills.

Don't beat yourself up about it. People have no idea how hard it is.

MumChp · 22/02/2025 12:33

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 12:04

More than aware of this.

Show quote history

Then you are probably also aware of the challenges of a normal family life and school life, where both the community language (English), the parents' mother tongue/s and the GSCE language/s must be accommodated.
I think it can be hard work for both parents and children.

Mischance · 22/02/2025 12:32

Feeling guilty!? - what the heck for? You did not upset her - she upset herself by being ridiculous and finding she had to deal with the fallout of a situation she had created. Stick to your guns and ditch the guilt!

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 12:31

Scout2016 · 22/02/2025 11:48

Is your ethnicity the same as your mum's? Would it still have been your first language if you hadn't been adopted? If so it's a bit of a shame your daughter hasn't learnt it as part of her heritage, but then has she shown any interest in doing so?

Yes and yes. Yes, I can see that, however I'm not particularly attached to it so it didn't seem like a big deal. I do tell her stories and talk about it , I've kept a couple of traditions , but she doesn't have a massive interest .

OP posts:

MumChp · 22/02/2025 12:30

LaDamaDeElche · 22/02/2025 11:32

A parent speaking to their child in their native language from when they are a baby and continuing to do so throughout their life is absolutely how one becomes bilingual.

Show quote history

It works for some families. For others it's much more hard work.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 12:29

Loopytiles · 21/02/2025 15:13

YANBU for what you said to your mum.

given your mum’s views. parenting and behaviour towards you it was an odd decision to encourage a ‘close’ relationship between her and your DD but to try to ‘police’ it through language rather than other means that wouldn’t have taken away an opportunity for DD.

^ this

If she's that toxic, why expose your family to her at all?

Sonia1111 · 22/02/2025 12:05

I grew up without learning my mother's language, and she is a teacher in it. Now I have my own children I can see how hard it can be to teach your own children things. I have learned a lot of the language as an adult, and my (extremely lovely) grandmother alternates in praising me for it and not being able to hear me as her hearing aids don't always work well. Then it is all "poor you, what a shame", which I have heard for 40 years!

Don't feel too bad about not teaching your daughter the language. It is hard work and you have done loads of other things. A mentally unstable parent is a difficult thing and it might be good to distance yourself emotionally, if you are going to continue to talk to her. Rather than picturing her as the expert and authority, picture her as you would a small child with wild opinions that aren't based in your reality.
I.e. "Oh, yes, I remember you like people to be very slim." "Oh, yes, it would be better if we were all bilingual!"

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 12:04

MumChp · 22/02/2025 11:05

My children are bilingual. No free GSCE. Not all languages are counted for.

Show quote history

More than aware of this.

speakout · 22/02/2025 12:00

mum is saying that if your DD can't speak her language, she won't love her any more - that would be a deal breaker for me.

OP you sound lovely, your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you in her corner.

LondonPapa · 22/02/2025 11:59

BlueSilverCats · 21/02/2025 14:11

For background, me and my mum do not have the best relationship to put it lightly. We muddle along okish for most of the time as long as I keep quite superficial and not engage/end calls when she starts with her bs. She's ok for a while but her ways of thinking always rear up their ugly head.

OH is English, I am not. I'll be honest, I was rather lazy about speaking in my language at home , then she had some SALT issues and my priority was to be understood and be able to communicate properly with her English dad, at school, with her friends etc.

As she grew up, there was another reason, which became more and more important. To protect her from my mum's comments and views , while still allowing them to have a close, loving relationship . That was great when she was little , but she naturally distanced herself a bit as she grew up (teenager now).

My mum is very resentful she can't talk to DD and is always on my case about it, from pitiful "poor me " stuff to petty , vindictive and pointless stuff like " well if she doesn't learn x I won't love her anymore". I just shrug it off or take the blame on being lazy and uncooperative.

Recently we were on a call and she made some disparaging comments over DD's weight (who is a healthy weight according to the NHS) , as she has some very set ideas about weight , with the added disappointment of having a fat daughter. I snapped and I told her this is exactly why I haven't taught DD our language , so she wouldn't be exposed to stupid and toxic comments.

That of course , did not go well. I switch between feeling guilty (because I upset my mum) and being oh well, it is what it is , and she created this situation by being who she is.

What is the language? Is it Russian / Ukrainian? Sounds similar to what happened with us. Still early days though so we corrected it (both grandparent and language). It isn’t too late for you to do the same for your teen DD. Make it special between you both and keep your mum in-check. I find those kinds of GP do need to be kept in check but they do get the message and stop being stupid after a few tries.

FoolishHips · 22/02/2025 11:53

I wish my mum had spoken a different language to all of us...we'd have got along so much better :)

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 22/02/2025 11:51

Well done for protecting your daughter. Your mum sounds awful. It is a shame your girl has missed out on a language though; I wish I was bilingual.

Scout2016 · 22/02/2025 11:48

Is your ethnicity the same as your mum's? Would it still have been your first language if you hadn't been adopted? If so it's a bit of a shame your daughter hasn't learnt it as part of her heritage, but then has she shown any interest in doing so?

OhBow · 22/02/2025 11:41

PS tough luck if your dm doesn't like it, actions have consequences.

OhBow · 22/02/2025 11:40

You played a blinder OP, well done. Given that you kept your dm in your life (it's debatable whether she deserved to be), this was the best way of protecting your dd from verbal abuse.

You protected her from harm and did the right thing.