Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair

130 replies

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 13:39

DD17 goes to her dad's every other weekend. She's always shared a room with her younger step sibling.

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

DD now no longer wants to go every other weekend (or sleep over at all) as her Dad and step mum are early risers, and you have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen. She also has other step siblings including in the house that return home late at night.

AIBU in thinking this room swap could have been put on hold until she goes to university in September, or is it ok because she's nearly an adult? Would be interested to hear other people's opinions!

OP posts:
tachetastic · 22/02/2025 23:54

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 13:39

DD17 goes to her dad's every other weekend. She's always shared a room with her younger step sibling.

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

DD now no longer wants to go every other weekend (or sleep over at all) as her Dad and step mum are early risers, and you have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen. She also has other step siblings including in the house that return home late at night.

AIBU in thinking this room swap could have been put on hold until she goes to university in September, or is it ok because she's nearly an adult? Would be interested to hear other people's opinions!

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

She isn't visiting.

She is his daughter and a full member of their family, just as much as her step-siblings are (in the sense that her dad is not their biological dad, just as their mum is not her biological mum).

Staying every other weekend is part of her living arrangements, it is not a treat as it might be if she visited friends or wider family.

You need to have an honest conversation and ask her dad if he thinks it would be acceptable to tell his step-daughter when she turns 17 that they no longer expected her to live at home at such an old age and to put her on the sofa. That is exactly the same as what they have done to his own daughter.

The crux of the issue is that they see her as a visitor rather than part of their family and that needs to change.

tachetastic · 22/02/2025 23:43

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:53

They've maybe worded it wrong but I'd not really be expecting a near 18 yr old to be sticking to access days like they were 5.
My DPs kids are fluid, days change every week as now they're teens they've busy lives of their own.

And do you give them a bed when they do stay?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2025 23:24

That’s really quite incredibly shitty of them!

Mielbee · 22/02/2025 23:24

This is so sad and very hurtful. Your poor DD. The natural consequences of this will be for him to lose his relationship with her, and if you want any tiny hope of rescuing this for her, you need to explain to him how hurtful this is. Perhaps if he has a shred of decency he can work on repairing this monumental damage.

OneFineDay13 · 22/02/2025 23:16

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 14:10

Poor girl. Her dad is a disgrace.

This 100%

Snugs10 · 22/02/2025 23:05

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/02/2025 14:22

She says she's 13

Show quote history

That is the step sister that she used to share the bedroom with.

Womaninred · 22/02/2025 23:05

Feel for your daughter. That’s just rotten. And I feel for you too. It’s hard being single parent and always being one that has to do everything / think of everything and I assume those 4 nights are your only nights just for you when you get bit of a break for you and that’s not much.

gettingthehangofsewing · 22/02/2025 23:04

What a dick move. I'd encourage her to still see her dad (for her benefit not his) but maybe just go for the day twice a month instead.

It will massively impact his relationship with her though, his loss.

Horses7 · 22/02/2025 22:58

Sounds like a combination of wicked stepmother and spineless dad.

Tigergirl80 · 22/02/2025 22:47

As their early risers they should sleep on the sofa bed and give up their bed for her.

Pherian · 22/02/2025 22:36

I’m into my 40s and live in a different country to my mother. There is still a bedroom in her house for me.

I have step children - they will always have a room in my home.

Their mindset is odd.

Happyonfriday · 22/02/2025 22:34

Sounds like he hasn’t thought this through!!!
still spending weekends with should’ve meant a discussion first.
my stepsons mum chucked his bed and “set up a camp bed” for him when he moved to us…he was 13!! He didn’t go back to stay. As others said he thought with his feet. His mother gave no 💩 about his feelings, really was awful.
step daughter still spent weekends with us until she was 19, covid hit and things changed but otherwise I’d have imagined it would’ve carried on a while longer.
what’s your daughters thoughts on it? What’s her plan to see him now?
as for him, I hope he realises he’s not a great dad that’s put others before his own which is really sad!

Serendipity0812 · 22/02/2025 22:25

This is awful. My kids Dad did this to my two and their relationship never recovered. They hardly see him now and they are still upset by it at 24!

Batshit1234 · 22/02/2025 22:24

The poor wee pet! Even saving that to uni is unacceptable. Until she was finished full time education she should have had a bed in her father’s house. What a dick of a man. She sounds lucky to have a lovely mother like you🥰

CosyLemur · 22/02/2025 22:19

Perfectly acceptable! Especially as the age difference is so big. I wouldn't want a 17 year old sharing with my 13 year old - not even for 1 night a week!

Justsayit123 · 21/02/2025 18:58

What bastards!! How nasty.

BeaAndBen · 21/02/2025 18:56

Your ex is a class A Arsehole.

WTF was he thinking, taking away the bed and space to store her stuff from an autistic 17 year old. Not having somewhere quiet to retreat to is a very cruel thing to do to an autistic teenager.

He may as well have asked for her key back. Disgraceful behaviour from a parent.

OrangeYaGlad · 21/02/2025 18:50

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:34

Yup he’s made a parenting mistake. No one is arguing against that.

The issue is people flying off the handle and assuming this means he doesn’t care about her at all and never wants to see her again once she’s turned 18. That she should completely cut contact with him over it. Oooor maybe behave like rational adults and just have a conversation about it.

There likely has been zero malice in this whatsoever and instead he probably thinks she’ll be relieved to not share with her significantly younger sister who kept the room very messy. & thinks she’ll not want to stay over in the cramped house once she doesn’t “have to” anymore and can dictate the relationship more herself. Clearly he was very wrong. That doesn’t make him the worst person ever. Just misguided and a bit thoughtless.

Show quote history

It's not her sister. And no, he hasn't made a small error, he has told his child she is not welcome in his home, that the rooms are for other people's children, even the adult ones.

Odiebay · 21/02/2025 18:14

Same thing happened to me. I stopped going. Guess what? Haven't seen the bloke for over 10 years now. Better off for it too.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 21/02/2025 17:45

Well dickhead-Dad obviously doesn't want his daughter around

Poor girl, I hope she can get over this without too much damage & upset

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 21/02/2025 17:44

So he's only expecting to see her while he was still paying for her (child support)?
Charming.

Truthfully, my heart breaks for your daughter, she must be hurt beyond belief.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 17:42

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 17:19

@NImumconfused He does know she's autistic 😕

He's just a git then, unfortunately, sorry your DD is being harmed by it.

ssd · 21/02/2025 17:38

Really poor from them.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2025 17:33

It's mean of them. If she no longer wants to go then she absolutely shouldn't be forced to.

Gunz · 21/02/2025 17:30

Mine started dropping off seeing and staying at their Dad's at about 16. The compromise that he did for them was to have them over every other Sunday for dinner, which worked for a number of years. When they get to 18 and off to Uni - they need to start making their own arrangements with the other parent.