To think my kids grandparents are terrible

It's not.
You're not.
I appreciate the reply though.

Not another if these OPs. Has anyone been out and about this week? Wherever I went there were grandparents with primary school aged kids, apparently giving up their week to have them at half term.
I walk past our primary school at chucking out time most days, and again, loads of grandparents at the school gate. When my kids were that age I never saw a grandparent picking up.

When my kids were small I had loads of mum friends. And none of us had the support that everyone on Mumsnet seems to claim that their mums had.
But now we're all supporting our kids by doing childcare for our grandchildren. So if anything I think it's the opposite. A lot more is expected (and needed) of grandparents. Usually because both parents have to work to keep a roof over their heads.

So yep, after looking after a toddler and a pre-schooler I regularly come on here to read that we're a lazy generation of grandparents. Cheers for that.

ETA and I just remembered that I help with nursery costs too. As do many of my friends. We're so selfish these days 🙄

It’s an example of them being part of said village. To want to spend time together.

If you actually read my post, I’m addressing your point of people ‘wanting rather than giving’. What most people want is their family to be interested and loving, and want to spend time together. A lot of grandparents aren’t, many of whom benefited from more interest from their own parents. And alot of current grandparents are so selfish see they see interest and engagement as a chore/ taking from them.

I don’t think it should be a given that GP’s get very involved with GKids, and particularly in terms of childcare. I had one set of lovely GP’s who loved us and we shared time with, the occasional sleepover but Mum had got everything organised as my GM wasn’t that well. (My other GPs were deceased before I was born). But they weren’t obligated to some sort of child care rota, or responsible for things like school pick ups etc……. We holidayed with them as well, and saw an awful lot of them but it was never “duty”.

Having children to me is about considering almost every aspect of their well being, care, commitment, sacrificing a lot in terms of personal life, even thinking around how it will change the dynamics of a relationship, earning potential, etc…. For most people (not all I know sadly) having a baby is the easy bit. It’s the raising, finding time, coping with everything that comes with it, the extra expense, the stress, the changes to relationships dynamics, the almost target driven culture around child rearing that is the difficult bit, and that with a child that doesn’t have extra needs for some reason or other. Some GP’s are very willing to be there, give help, be involved, but others simply aren’t. It’s something to think about before children come along really.

This is exactly how we managed. About 5 families. It really worked very well. And it would be even easier nowadays with Whatsapp.

Families spending Christmas together isn't creating a village though.

But then there's no excuse to bash them.
(Clearly tongue in cheek comment).

Not in my opinion. But I suppose it depends on your view of what giving/ getting is.

for example, I’d love for a big happy family Christmas, a houseful.

For my parents to spend Christmas with us - is that giving or getting? Or just sharing a moment? I’d host, I’d not expect any food/ gift or prep from them in anyway. Just spend time with the children, enjoying their company.

they would see it as an onerous uncomfortable task, and see it as them “giving” and doing childcare (by this they mean interacting with the children even when we are in the same room and would sort all of their actual needs eg food, naps)

This sounds like Dickensian/Victorian levels of child labour/exploitation that was probably illegal. How on earth did you manage to attend school and do your homework?

Your parents sound terrible to the point of abusive. I hope you don't have anything more to do with them and I certainly wouldn't let them have any interaction with my children.

You need to read that post again.

That poster is agreeing and empathising with you.

What happened to babysitting circles. Grandparents aren't the only ones who can ensure you can go out.

I never had help with my DC even when I became a single mum to 4DC and youngest was a newborn but me and my DH are very hands on with our Grandson he's one of the the lights of our life and we love spending time with him.

I would say from what I see grandparents are far more involved in every day life than they used to be.

Where I work there are several groups with grandparent age who now stop meeting in the holidays because so many are caring for the children. It's not infrequent that you'll notice someone hasn't been for a while and ask after them and be told that "oh their dd/dil has gone back to work so they're looking after the children".

Going and staying with grandparents when I was little was a treat just to spend time with them. They took you out maybe, or just spoilt you on chocolate cake. But they didn't look after you for childcare, after about age 5yo.
Mothers worked less, but also people left their children at home on their own far younger. My village any child whose parents worked once they were school age would have just congregated at someone else's house/the park until parents came home.

Now grandparents are often doing several days child care, pick ups from school, full days all year round. It's a totally different thing. But it's definitely on average spending more time with the children rather than less.

I don't know why you're suprised? They palmed the younger kids off on you as a teenager, and were uninterested in you all as adults! They're self absorbed and selfish. My parents were the same way. My mother only baby sat once for 3 hours, she told me she wouldn't be doing that again because she had to watch her cry?! I asked if she tried talking to my 2 year old, or distracting her, even hugging her? She said no, she just sat and watched her cry for 20 minutes, and it felt like too much hard work?! Last time she ever baby sat. My mum died 6 years ago and none of us cried. She didn't leave a hole behind, because we never spent time together! It was as a neighbour had passed. I was unfazed and the teenage children weren't bothered at all. I do wish we were closer and the kids had great relationships with them, but it's done and never going to happen now. Remember all this when they're old and ask for help.

Most of those who 'need a village' are looking to get and not to give. 🙄

I think I’m the other way around. My parents weren’t at all interested in my children, their only grandchildren. Never remembered their birthdays, never even asked what they were doing. I try to be involved without being intrusive, contribute towards school trips/uniform/hobbies, send pocket money etc.. Make sure I treat step gc same as gc.
Always thought it was sad my parents were so disinterested yet my lovely aunt would have loved to be a granny. Her dd died suddenly in her 20s ( misdiagnosis by doctor) and her son had no children.

Yes, I am familiar with this as well. PIL comment on how often their friends see their DGC now grown up - but the difference is that all those friends did some childcare, mostly not regular but often enough. PIL did basically none. MIL worked part time and it would have been very easy to have driven here and back in a day in her late 50s as my Dad did occasionally and as I do now the reverse way - at the same age as she was then - but she never did. BIL and family are in the same town. SIL notes that they never had DNs after school for tea after they were retired whereas her parents did one day a week every week. So DNs often help pop down to visit the other DGPs but not PIL.

So, you got the short end of the stick from both ends, having to help your parents a lot with their own children but not getting any help, or even interest, back from them for your own kids.

I have found most of my relatives to be very disappointing and it does hurt. The family I went on to create is my greatest joy and priority, though. I can't imagine ever not wanting any of them around or not wanting to help them out if I can.

Otherwise, I would focus on trying to form one or more close friendships. Shared DNA alone is perhaps not the best indicator of who to call "family." Best wishes.

My dm and df were very hands on with my sister's 2, they stayed for summer holidays, baby sitting nights, loads of support. However, my own dcs were born 10 years later and so of course they couldn't do the same. Or anything much. There's a lot of difference between being a 50 something grandparent and a 60 something one. However, my dcs had an equally loving and friendly relationship with their grandparents as their cousins.
I think young parents are being very blinkered if they don't understand the tiredness that comes with age. And punishing grandparents for not doing childcare is horrible.

I very much empathise and agree OP. Our DC essentially have no contact with one set of GP (the reason for which I posted last night on another thread). They see my mother a few times a week, as she lives close by and which I'm thankful for, but it does feel like any arrangements made have to be agreed solely on her terms. My father lives 3+ hours away, so we see him fairly infrequently. I think if he lived closer, we would see him far more, he's wonderful with the DC and they love every minute spent with him.

this generation of grandparents really is different though. no past or future generation of grandparents had or will have as much free time and disposable income as this one.

so many retired early during covid, 1 in 10 has assets over a million, others have made a fortune from increased house prices, plus the biggest pensions in history. my MIL and mum go on about 10 cruises a year.

This is a patronising way of minimising the debate. It’s not “I need childcare”. What most people are saying is they need a village. They need support and engagement and people to share the highs and lows. That’s how we are designed to live, in a close society. We aren’t meant to be in little bubbles and not really have anyone else around.

Having said that most of the nursery mums seem to get a lot of help with parents so seems I’m the odd one out!

Feel you op. I’m a single mum to 3yo and 11mo and the only time my DF has babysat overnight was the evening of my c section. Very exhausted and literally no adult social life but what to do. DM most likely would have helped but she passed when I was a child.

Db and I used to have sleepovers every weekend at DGM to give our parents a break. We even lived with them for a while while my dad worked away. It really is shit!