To think my kids grandparents are terrible

Unfortunately, I think you win the prize for the worst mum and the worst MIL on Mumsnet. Do the people that you mum is speaking to about how ungrateful you are for cutting her off actually know that she is married to a man who has been convicted of child sexual abuse?

Surely on Gransnet the responses would all be from involved grandparents??? That wouldn't be representative at all.

Likewise, saying well if you go outside this week you will see loads of involved grandparents is true but it's also true that in any workplace you will have parent scrambling because they have no support network at all beyond their partner. Babysitting circles work if someone is free to reciprocate the babysitting, tricky I'd both parents work full time to facilitate this or even make the connections to set it up.

Maybe people could be a little bit more understanding of OP's position in this. Not every grandparents is terrible but during halfterm, seeing lots of involved grandparents out and about she can't even get a few hours support to have her wisdom teeth out. It stings.

OP gave her parents a village by providing regular childcare for her much younger siblings when she was a teenager. There has been no reciprocation of this huge amount of help and support that they received from their daughter now that OP has children of her own.

I only just saw that post you quoted. Jesus @StopStartStop , you're punishing your in-laws for not giving up their jobs to be more involved with your children?

That's disgusting.

StopStartStop

"Most parents of adult children are still working and don't have lots of free time to babysit. My parents (my mum was at home) gave me lots of support raising my daughter, and my in-laws (both working) none at all. Guess who saw most of the child and had a part in her life?"

Nice you begrudge your in-laws not giving up work, or working all week than not giving up their recovery time to look after your kids so you are denying contact with your child.

That's a good point.

My mum had me when she was 22. I had my first when I was 31. Many of today's mum's have their first in their mid 30s. Today's grandparents are older than the generations above were. And childcare leaves me absolutely knackered.

My grandmother was in her early 40s when I was born. My mum in her early 50s when my first was born. I was in my mid 60s when my first DGC was born.

When you're my age, you can be forgiven for wanting to travel while you still can. Because we're staring down the barrel of mobility or health problems (or worse).
So it'd be nice to have less resentment of grandparents who want to have holidays.

Wait, wait, I bet they aren’t as bad as mine! MIL went off and married a man fresh out of prison on child sex offences, so that’s her done in terms of normal grandparenting. Even dh isn’t allowed to visit his family home because this wanker refuses to let her family visit.

Then my mum, who made all the right noises about what a horrible person MIL is, went off and did the same bloody thing! Her partner has continued to abuse children since they’ve been together and it’s “fine” apparently. So we are NC with her too.

Even better my mum, despite being NC, tells everyone she can about how much she has done for us and how ungrateful we are by cutting her off. She literally never once has provided any childcare (thank god!), whereas my own grandmother had me 9-6 five days a week from 3 months old until I started school, then did all the school runs and had me every evening after school, and 9-6 every single day of the school holidays until she died when I was 12.

We have never needed any family help (or expected it), but it’s simply that under the circumstances, it bloody burns my bum that she acts like such a martyr when she’s done nothing but cause so much dysfunction and chaos.

I had next to no involvement with my grandparents growing up. Which was a bit strange in hindsight as my mum lived next door to her own grandparents growing up and they were heavily involved. But we ended up living over 2 hours away from her parents, my grandma had leukemia and died when I was 9. We did then have more involvement with my grandad, but he ended up dying 2-3 years later anyway. I think they'd have liked to have been more involved - they were heavily involved in my cousins lives, who lived a couple of miles away - but distance and health was the issue.

My dads parents had no real interest. My grandpa would have been diagnosed autistic today, and my grandma had been raised by a combination of "aunties" and boarding schools, after her mum died young and her dad did a legger.
They were perfectly nice, just these benevolent old people we saw once or twice a year.

My mum did the bare minimum with my kids.
My oldest dd is pregnant and I plan to be a very different sort of grandmother.

You could form an opinion based on some research. There's plenty out there.
Or pop over to Gransnet and ask why a 'whole generation' of grandparents are so damn sefish (apparently)

I’ve reduced my hours of work to look after my grandchildren while their parents are at work, I love having my grandchildren, we have so much fun together, I’m shattered at the end of the day though.
Everyone is different, I didn’t get much help with my children from my parents but I didn’t mind.

It is such a shame because you want them to help or spend time with their DGC. My DF spent alot of time with my DS and they had a wonderful relationship. My DM rarely saw him, never spent time alone with him and had no relationship with him.

My parents had 2 sets of involved DGPs but my DM was always envious of our relationships. If I'm lucky enough to have DGC I want a relationship with them and I want to help my DC.

It's also not fair that you parented siblings and they cannot have an afternoon with your DC whilst you are in pain. So when they are elderly and need support I wouldn't do it.

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off.

The people your life are but your second sentance is a sweeping generalisation about other grandparents based it seems entirely on your own experience.

I understand why you’re frustrated, it’s really unfair and it’s hard to make your peace with that when you see others who get lots of help/support. They are who they are though and they probably won’t change. Lacklustre parents don’t often become good grandparents because they continue the same approach/behaviours.

It sounds like your grandparents were partly filling the gaps in your parents ability to look after you and your children won’t need that because you’re self-aware and able to parent which is great because all you can do is break the cycle. That’s the only thing that’s in your control and it gives your children so much more than a few hours a week with a grandparent ever could.

Not a grandparent, but me and almost all my of my 60+ friends are still working, most of them full-time. They don't get their state pensions till they are 67. Very few of them were in a position to take a career break because they needed two incomes to pay mortgages back when interest rates were in the teens, and most of them didn't have children until they were well into their 30s. A couple of them have been working f/t since they were 16 apart from a few months mat leave.

They are knackered. We all have arthritis and other health conditions. When I had lunch with 4 friends the other weekend, we were laughing about the fact that none of us had all the joints we were born with. Some of them are caring for partners who are even more decrepit. None of them have the health or energy to care for young children, even for a few hours.

Because at 75 they're still working full time unable to retire

As I said above, the statistics prove you wrong.

I'm going to search for them again. But they show that today's grandparents are very much more involved than the generation before.

I think it is a genaration issue. Of course there will be plenty of wonderful boomer grandparents today but the percentage of them is lower than in previous generations, I'm convinced of it. My parents had so much help, my grandparents lived for their grandchildren. My parents live for cruises and holidays! It's similar in DH family and many of my friends. A very self-indulgent generation I think. But who is to say gen x/millennials will be any different generally when their time comes. I plan on being a very devoted grandparent, I actively want to help raise the next generation of my family. I have no interested in the cruises and spa holidays my parents live for. I do look forward to a lot more time for reading, that will be my bit of indulgence for my old age. Other than that, sleeves will remain very much rolled up for meaningful work.

And the stance that many of us have taken in responding to your OP would be very different, and much more sympathetic if you'd kept your complaint to your own parents. But instead you said this

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off

So how do you expect the very many grandparents on here who've given up partss if their life and their spontaneity, to do childcare for their grandkids?

Last time there was one of these threads damning my generation of grandparents, I found the statistics that show beyond doubt that today's grandparents are doing FAR more childcare (and funding it if they're still working and can't do it themselves) than the previous generation.

If I can find them I'll post them again. But in the meantime, don't blame the rest of us for your own parents disinterest (which I'd otherwise sympathise with you about)

sorry but my parents (I’m 60) had zero support from their parents when I was growing up. I remember only 1 occasion of being babysat by my grandmother. She and grandpa lived about a mile from us but we only ever saw them for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon twice a month and we had to sit quietly whilst there.

my own parents only helped out in an emergency but we saw them more socially and they were much closer to my kids.

i do the same, help out when needed but do not offer regular/daily support.

Couldn’t give a shit whether you agree. It absolutely is and it’s self entitlement of the highest. I had four kids myself and my mum and step dad helped out occasionally but I certainly don’t regard them as bad grandparents. They still loved and spoiled them when they saw them. I chose to have my children and so it was primarily mine and my husband’s job to look after them. I didn’t expect free childcare care constantly especially as they are still working. I look after my granddaughter when I am able but it’s when it suits us and I won’t apologise for being selfish about not using all my days off on childcare. I have bloody well earnt the right to be a bit selfish.

Nearly all the grandparents near me who are close enough to help with DGC do. i.e. school drop offs, holiday times. We currently have DD and her 2 children living with us ( even though she has a house nearby) because both being autistic and having meltdowns led to complaints from her neighbour. We love having them here even if it can be challenging.

Indeed.
I find these complaining posts do tiresome.