To think my kids grandparents are terrible

Op your post is hard for me to read as I'm desperate for grandchildren and cannot wait to be part of their lives. You get back what you put in! My parents are so close to my kids, it's enriched all their lives.

She said in her OP that "he was out of town on business"

@LondonJax you keep mentioning tit for tat , that is not what this is about but obviously mutual support is a good thing, you know that like everyone. It helps build relationships.
So, can you answer your own question; what is acceptable? do you leave a parent recovering from surgery/Illness to look after kids on their own (if their dh is away or has to work ) or maybe just offer a bit of help , it’ll prob just be a few hours at best .
No, I don’t understand people who could help but don’t .
@Ryleightown did your family know that you had your wisdom teeth out today ?
Also @LondonJax kids like mine notice when no family ever helps or offers or spends time with them , it’s very clear now to my teenagers. What does that instil in them about my relatives?
Of course the ops dh should have been around to take over but maybe he has to work and they need the money etc etc .
My dh is great but there were times were I was on my own as he had to work and I was alone with 3 very small kids and sometimes/ had minor surgery to recover from but I had to just get on with it as my family never helps ever .
I don’t think it’s good for kids to see that either . I actually volunteer and my actual job is all about working with people in very deprived areas , I believe very much in altruism but if people consistently don’t bother with you , don’t spend time with you it affects what you think of them and how you might react to them. In my case it has affected my relationship, that’s just a fact. My kids know I care about people. I think it’s very interesting as you mentioned sarcastically that I put it so kindly re leaving old people (which I don’t agree with btw) but you again totally missed the point.
You don’t think it’s ok to just abandon vulnerable older people (like most people) well I also don’t think you should abandon parents of children who may need help occasionally .

Op why don't you expect your DH to support you.....he could take leave..as has been asked already.

I'm not disputing that just answering the statement that op generalises all GP it can be argued by some all parents are shit too....both crap.

And if you had looked at the message I was replying to you'd see it was to an apology from another poster.

She had said she'd been happy to leave one grandmother 'rotting in a care home'. I'd pointed out that, as someone who had had to get a care home place for their mother having kept her going in her own home with Alzheimer's for six years (so no, 'according to me it's not OK to leave elderly people to sort their own stuff out' as you kindly put it), that was very upsetting. And that it shouldn't be tit for tat. She had the good grace to apologise for the word 'rotting' and I'd thanked her for that.

What I was trying to say was, in general is it really OK to say 'well, they didn't help me so I'm not helping them?' A lot of people have said on this thread that they think grandparents should show an example to grandchildren. Very true. But that also applies to parents. Do we, as parents, really want to instil in our children that you should only help those who help you or please you in some way? What if we, as parents, don't behave in exactly the way our kids want? Should they then refuse to help? What's an acceptable level of behaviour from parents to their kids/grandchildren? Do you leave an elderly person to fend for themselves because their interest in the grandchildren didn't match expectations?

I totally agree that the OP's family sound pretty much useless in not helping.

However, from the whole point of the thread - not helping when OP had her teeth removed - having not long had wisdom teeth removed myself (so I do know what it's like) I'm a bit concerned that OP's DH didn't rearrange his work to help her. I had a month's notice that mine had to come out - it's not normally something that's done on the spot. So maybe there's a bit to say there too. Do partners get included in this 'tit for tat' attitude? If so we'll be tallying up a lot of resentment in our lifetimes!

I'm a grandparent. I've raised three children alone and now I'm raising my granddaughter because her feckless parents care more about themselves, drugs and alcohol to be parents.
I never expected help with my kids and most of the time didn't get any. It's nothing to do with generation. I could say that this generation of parents expect too much and then go NC with their parents over things that I would try and sort out but that would be unfair because it doesn't apply to an entire generation.

I found the statistics about the huge rise in grandparents doing child care (regular or occasional) for their DGCs. I know it's not entirely OP 's point, but you really can't generalise that the whole generation is less involved, when so many more are giving a life impacting amount of support, both in person and financially.

Providing childcare for your grandchildren
In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82%. Almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren.

https://www.sunlife.co.uk/press-office/news/grandparents-childcare-salary/

Sorry this is nonsense. Studies have shown that a high proportion of the boomer generation provide childcare and they even change their working patterns to help.

I don’t agree at all.

From my experience with families at my kids’ school, to the many older people I come into contact with through my job and also through the sport I play, all I see is loads of grandparents tiring themselves out and making themselves available to look after their grandchildren at any given moment, no matter what else they were planning to do.

I know some who drop off and pick up the children literally every single day. Others who often have to cancel what they were going to do at the last minute as they now have to look after their grandchildren.

I think there is far more of this going on now than there ever was when I was a child.

My parents and In laws saw my children twice a year at the most. So no they didn't really know them. I knew they loved them but they were certainly not involved.

Same here, I do a lot of childcare too. I wouldn't dream of not helping my daughters with their children as they both work full time. I can see the support is invaluable and benefits everyone.

Maybe this is the OPs mum.

Couldn't agree more with OP.

@LondonJax the irony in what you are saying , you just don’t get the point of this thread at all!
It isn’t about childcare , that’s for parents to sort out, we’ve paid for every cent , it’s about support, interest and family .
So the example you gave about your nan; well what if everyone just didn’t visit her and didn’t bother with her so she was an elderly person alone ? I mean family have no obligation to visit right ? What if she had a fall or was recovering from an operation and was struggling or like the op has wisdom teeth removed which can be horrible to recover from and everyone just left her to it 🤷‍♀️ That’s literally what the op is talking about . I mean I guess that also ok , just to leave elderly people to sort out their own stuff according to you. I mean that’s their problem people are busy enough, except most normal , decent people don’t think or act like that thankfully !!! I mean my The vast majority of posts here aren’t talking about grandparent’s providing full time childcare at all but just to maybe offer the odd time especially if the op is recovering from a minor op .

😂😂😂

Don't be ridiculous. My in-laws were never punished for anything. They missed out because they didn't spend time with the child. She's 42 now. Pick on someone else, you bully.

I tend to comment on these threads because I’m in a similar situation and agree with the OP. Today I took my kids to the beach and there was an older couple there with their grandchildren (looking after them over half term). I felt so sad that my children have never had a sleepover with any grandparents or had them spoiling them. I remember my Grandad taking me to the sweet shop when I stayed there and what a treat it felt. Sad that my kids will never have memories like that. I keep trying to tell myself it’s their loss but my children miss out too :(

Your husband should be supporting you.

Yes it’s shit that you were a child carer, but shit parents do not become fabulous grandparents

I have said you are being unreasonable because your experience is the opposite of mine. I had no help from my parents and neither did any of my friends. Neither did we expect any.

But I provide a lot of childcare for my grandchildren and the playground at school pick up is full of grandparents in a way is wasn't when my children were young.
I provide childcare because I can and I want to. But I am constantly surprised by the number if parents today who expect their parents to provide childcare as though it is their parents duty. It really isn't.

another grandparent bashing thread. if you have a shitty relationship with your parents then do one of two things about it; either sort it out or walk away! just because your parents palmed you off on their parents doesnt mean you have the right to do the same with your kids. They are your kids, you had em (and please don't come at me with the i didnt ask to be born nonesense), you raise em.

grandparents should have the right to choose how much involvement they have in your childrens lives! i tend to notice, the better the relationship between parent and child, the better relationship with grandparent and grandchild.

i'm sick of hearing about how grandparents MUST and SHOULD help raise their grandchildren for free and basically sacrifice their own lives to make sure yours is easier.

Yoyr husband should have been your support when you had your wisdom teeth out, not parents.

I could say parents today are selfish, obsessed with their own happiness, and think their poor parenting is everyone else's fault. But I won't because it's not true. Just like grandparents today are really not self centred and hands off. It's just your parents and in laws are.

Agreed. I could start a thread about how my "grand" parents (I use the word "grand" very loosely ...nothing grand about them), were 2 of the nastiest people I've ever had the misfortune to know and then declare that ALL GP's must be like that which is, of course, absolute bollox.

It is hard op. Yes I know nobody owes us anything.. my sister has twins. I do babysit the odd time. Our mam never helped us.

Absolutely. It's tedious. The OP has parents who aren't interested so therefore all grandparents are like that. It gets boring.