To think my kids grandparents are terrible

I hate the attacks on the generations, and i think that is unfair.

I think this is often economics rather than love.

People don't have the luxury of retiring or slowing the pace as much as once might have been possible, and fewer and fewer families are able to survive on one primary bread winner.

My parents love my children but are both still working full time in their 70s and 80s. It simply hasn't been possible for them to support us bringing them up. And it was hard.

My kids are now in their 20s, so they are likely to start their own families soon, and my husband and I will still be working full time for at least another 15-20 years.... I'd love to have the luxury of downing tools to be a totally present grandma but I still have a mortgage to finish off, and a frankly, disappointing pension pot to try and bolster over the next 20, so I knownita bot going to happen. Fortunately, my kids aren't judgey about that - they get it.

At this rate, when grandkids come along, even their great grandparents will still be working.

We don't have the luxury of just being available, and neither did our parents.

They still love us all...

My Mum died before mine were born and my Dad died when they were tiny.

The hardest part is watching mine grow up with Grandparents who babysat twice, used to give us money to get the presents and who lost interest completely once they hit five.

I know my parents would have spoilt them rotten, come over regularly to see them and given them money or sweets or other treats. My Dad would have taught them sport and my Mum taught them baking. And come to every show they were in at the local theatre or school or dance show.

It's sad and horrible and I really empathise.

I've raised my kids and worked with kids. I'm still working now and don't have time to be watching gran kids.when I'm off it's cooking cleaning shopping paying bills etc on Saturday so I have one day to rest on Sunday. The difference is the gran parents nowadays are normally still working

I agree. In my observation of people 20+ years older than me, many of them do assist with childcare for their adult offspring simply because thanks to soaring house prices over the decades, most of us no longer live in an era where a household can be supported entirely on one income, so both parents have to work. This is especially true in SE England where the property prices are often an order of magnitude higher than the average wage, unless you live in an area where you might get shot or stabbed if you go out at night. The days of the father earning the living and the housewife mother (as was the case in my childhood) are gone. If anyone is going to trot out the response of don't have children if you can't afford to raise them entirely yourself, stop and think for a minute. If people object to immigration and people object to supporting other people's children to the point where the birth rate drops through the floor, answer the question of how the country's businesses are expected to fill key vacancies, how the NHS is going to be adequately staffed to cope with demand, and who is going to pay the taxes to support the ever increasing ratio of elderly people to workforce? The UK's birthrate is already below replacement and the country is in danger of running out of money over the coming decades of which the dwindling workforce and increasing dependent population are big factors.

My mum wanted to spend every single second with my children, she was my dads carer and they didn’t have a lot of money but she’d always make sure my children were spoilt when she saw them. Sadly she passed away. Still waiting for birthday cards from Mil, including one for DH

Good.
Finally some time to live their own lives.
I don't have any children, one grandchild from husband's side and we never looked after her, neither were we asked.
The relationship is without problems.
I just don't get this.

But OPs post isn't about wanting free cc or GPs giving up work or their lives. It's about wanting them to support and be part of GCs lives.
I didn't give up work ( wasn't an option) and have a fulfilling life independent of GC but I am still a very large part of GCs lives. Days out, school runs ( when available), holidays etc

My mum is a dreadful mum and very poor Grandmother. I’m no longer in contact with her, this is one of several contributing reasons. I think she preferred getting photos and videos sent to her on her phone rather than actually seeing the children.
oh, and I never asked for or expected any babysitting - just a bit of interest.

Same here. I've been a very big part of GCs lives; holidays, school runs, days out etc. Can't imagine it being any other way but I know that everyone is different.
I hear you OP

I honestly believe that if you have kids, you should expect to share responsibility of helping out if your kids give you grandkids. Especially if you’re retired and able to do so. I don’t think it should be every day and I don’t think grandparents should bend over backwards but they should certainly share the load - they are part of the village after all.

im very lucky to have my mom who idolises my children, and likewise so does my MIL. but I have friends with absent parents now and it breaks my heart for them.

You often don't get the same commitment when the grandparents are no longer together.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a generational thing but I completely understand where you’re coming from.

My DM does nothing to help with our kids. She’s had my DD once since she was born 5 years ago, and she’s never looked after them together (my DS is 2.5). She never asks how they’re doing, never asks to see them, isn’t bothered even when we do eventually meet up - she won’t play with them, she’ll just talk over them constantly with no regard to what they want to do. On the other hand, she stopped working 2 days to give my sister free childcare. Also has her DD occasionally for them to go out for the night. Even had her DD for a WEEK while they went on holiday abroad. And then wonders why I’m done with her.

my MIL and FIL on the other hand are so lovely. They really love their GC ( they only have our kids) and you can see it every time they ask about them and see them. They get on the floor to play with them. They ask to meet up when suits us. The love they outpour is exactly what I’d always hoped for for my kids. We don’t have childcare as we don’t live too close to them, however when we’ve asked if they wouldn’t mind having them for whatever reason, they say yes and they travel over to help us.

these 2 sets of grandparents are the same generation. But how different! I too had to take care of my sister for my DM. So i understand why it’s infuriating.

unfortunate, no matter the generation, there’ll always be crappy grandparents. And unfortunately they’re related to us!!

We managed had zero help over the years but yes it was hurtful seeing school mams with tons of help so I get your point op.

I could have written your post!We also have very much the same thing, however I think times are different now and circumstances are different too. I’ve realised that although it did used to annoy me, I understand that my parents work full time and just aren’t the same with my children as my grandparents were.
My in- laws when not working, always seem to have one or multiple of the other grandchildren too and we don’t want to burden them as we can see how much they’re ageing and should be enjoying their time together.
We just get on with it now, not everyday is easy but we know that our time will come eventually.

You’re expecting your parents and partners parents to give up their day, yet not your partner who should be there to support you!!

I feel for you and your children. As a child one set of ´
my grandparents were dead, one estranged and although a grandmother lived with us, I don’t remember her coming down for meals or having anything to do with us. My friends didn’t noticeably spend time with grandparents either. When I had my 2 children and had to work, mil had my kids until she moved ( we paid her. She didn’t ask but she couldn’t work if she was minding and we felt she needed the income) my parents didn’t live near but came to look after my daughter when she broke her ankle as I was teaching full time. My kids knew and loved both sets of grandparents and everyone’s lives were the richer for that help and love. Now I have a grandchild and know she is the only one I will have. We live a distance away but have supported my daughter and child from birth. As daughter was ill we were her bubble in Covid and regularly go to look after grandchild to give parents a break.She is almost as comfortable with us as with her parents. The other grandmother is pretty hands on too. We love it and her and get such a lot out of helping bring her up. I had retired by the time she was born which meant I had the time. A lot of grandparents still have to work and that will only worsen as pension age rises. Most grandparents I know are hands on, dropping a days work to childmind etc. Or like me they are older. Some are caring for parents too. I’m caring for my terminally ill husband now so we will soon be less help but I hope she will remember happier times spent with us and that our love has made a positive contribution to her life. Grandparents who aren’t in their grandchildren’s lives are really missing out in my view.

Shitty parents are unlikely to make great grandparents.

I know a young adult who was an only child until 15 and then her parents had 4 more children in quick succession. Both parents are very career-oriented and the older sister is expected to take the children to school when needed, pick them up and do after-school childcare on her WFH days and take the younger siblings to parties and playdates. She isn't paid for any of this. She's moving out soon against her parents' wishes and has told me that she never wants children of her own, which I find sad.

My DD is lucky to have amazing grandparents, but I had awful grandparents. I know my mum and dad are only helpful because they know what it's like not to have help

I don’t understand this response - she didn’t call u selfish ?

100% feeling this. My parents and my husbandsParents used to send us all off to or grandparents absolutely loads. I remember waaaaay more weekends with my GP than I do my own home but god forbid we should ask either of them for help. Really winds me up

Look at yourself before slagging off your parents ( or your kids grandparents as you call them)! I've just come in from another thread where the woman is asking if she's being unreasonable by lying to get out of being called in from WFH to attend a meeting and she's blaming it on lack of childcare. Who's being self-centred?

my mum is an amazing granny - as involved as poss for aomeone who lives 3 hours away - my son adores her. my dad is a so so grandparent, maybe he'll be better once my son is older. my husband's mum is completely absent. my 10 year old son has met her a handful of times at larger family events and doesn't call her grandma. I don't know how she can be so crap and uninterested in her son and grandson but there she goes. she does absolutely nothing else BTW.

My parents were really hands on with all of their grandkids. My in laws were hopeless/selfish almost and never offered to take my 2 ds.

I'll step in ?
As an unwanted grandma I yearn to be in my grandkids lives. It's horrible.
If I could join an adopt a grandma club I would.

If your parents weren't 109% committed to actually raising you, their own child and particularly your younger siblings it's no surprise they have no interest in being helpful parents or involved grandparents now tbh