To think my kids grandparents are terrible

YABU to say it’s generational thing, it really isn’t. It’s a person thing. Some people will be kind, loving and involved parents and grandparents and some won’t be.

Fair comment. But GP who don't want to help at all (and I mean not having a GC for the odd evening, not the every day pick up from school which can be limiting) would just buy in the help and use whatever they've got available to pay for it - why wouldn't they?

We're not at a GP stage yet, DS is still at school. But DH and I have said to DS 'don't do this thing of moving closer to us or getting us to move closer to you when we get old because you feel obliged to help. We'd love to be closer to see you and any family you may have but you need to feel free to move away in this country or abroad if that's where your dreams take you. Life's too short to worry too much about us as we age. That's what the house is for'. Our plan, having done the caring for elderly parents with dementia and not wishing it on DS, is to get the equity out of the house and buy in help if it's needed (hopefully not).

So I'd imagine, if I were a GP who didn't want to be involved, holding the 'don't expect help from me then' argument over me wouldn't worry me. I'd just spend what was needed to keep me happy and safe.

As I said in a previous, similar, thread, it's fine hoping for help but not fine to expect it. My DSis has just had to tell her DS that she can no longer help one day a week as she has for the past few years as she needs to earn a full week's money (COL means she can't keep working part time). They've been very understanding and grateful but it's coming at the worst time as they announced a couple of weeks later that they're expecting another child...Can't hold it against DSis though - she's got to eat! GP on the other side are sadly, no longer with us so it's digging deeper in pockets to buy the help they need for two kids.

For me it was the other way round, my mom works full time and has helped A LOT, and MIL never worked and we saw her once in a whole year after having my baby. Guess who's not gonna be a part of his life

I feel like today’s generation of grandparents are so self centred and hands off

No, your children's grandparents might be but don't go tarring a whole generation with the same brush.

It isn't a generational thing.

I'm 60. My mother was appalled by her grandchildren. She wanted photos for the mantlepiece, and bragging rights when they passed exams but refused to have anything to do with them. Never baby sat. Never wanted them in her home. Complained about them having hobbies that meant their parents had other priorities.

Yet my dsis, who has five dgcs so far, provided a home for one dd & dgd when they were abandoned, still babysits regularly despite being in her 70s.

Some people are more self-centred than others, but it has nothing to do with age.

Maybe some parents had children not because they particularly wanted them but because it’s what people expected-what people did. They may have discovered that being around children wasn’t that great-so now they’re done with child raising, they don’t want to do any more. And that’s ok. Am speaking as someone who was orphaned young, my dh’s mum had early dementia so we had nothing. But it was fine-there are pluses too about raising them without help. If my kids have them, I want to help but envisage no more than once a week excluding emergencies. I see that as a good compromise between retiring and enjoying doing what I like and also helping my children.

I think part of it is that previous generations of grandparents retired earlier or had grandma at home already so they had the time to be active and helpful for their children. Grandparents these days are typically still working or working later and then have little retirement years and obviously want to do as they wish and cannot commit the same amount of time for their grandchildren. Another consideration is that they may have been able to help with the first lot of grandchildren and then aged out of being able to do the same for the younger ones from different siblings.

@Ryleightown
I get fed up with posts that make such sweeping generalisations. I'm a very hands on granny and have been helping with childcare for 19 years now. (Eldest GC is 19 and I started when he was 6 months old)

I even retired early to help my DDs with childcare because otherwise having children was unaffordable for them. This week I've had the youngest 3 GC for 4 days as I do for every school holiday. I do school pick ups, evening babysits, school holiday cover and even weekends so that my kids get a break.

Stop the granny bashing, we're not all uncaring, selfish monsters!

People who have regular support from grandparents are really lucky.
Distance and age meant we have never had this. It must be such a totally different life to have this.
When my youngest was born, I had to cancel my middle child's swimming lessons because I couldn't take their baby sibling to the lessons.
I was telling a friend who has loads of support from both sets of grandparents. " Oh isn't there someone to have the baby".
Er no, nobody at all. My mother was actually dying at that time so even if distance allowed , she couldn't do it.
It must be amazing to have family involved.

I feel for you, I'm a grandma myself and I have a lot to do with mine. In fact, I've got 4 of them here today!

Blaming a generation because of your parents is nonsensical.

Nothing at all to do with generation, it’s just down to individual choice. My parents did absolutely nothing to help as they weren’t interested in children once their own had left home. Their choice. My grandparents were “ old” when they were in their early sixties back in the 1950’s so not much input from them but I still have lovely memories of visiting them. I love spending time with my grandchildren, will do anything in an emergency and volunteered one day a week childcare for the preschool years. ( no way could I have had the energy to do more than one full day a week!).
The other grandparents, all different, one does a lot, one does nothing, one occasionally offers.
I personally think they are missing out but then I love children, some don’t once their own have grown.

In this one case OP suggests that's what happened. That's not the case all the time though, and yet we still see the entitled 'I need childcare' brigade.

I get you OP and I don’t agree it’s grandparent bashing at all. My parents never paid for a penny of childcare. I did it all - full time during the day while they worked, all babysitting for them and often their friends small children too. Only when I was about 14 did one of their friends suggest that as I could earn money from babysitting other families now, then they should all chip in to pay me on big occasions like NYE. My parents were baffled by this but reluctantly went along with it. While I looked after their child during the day I was expected to hoover, dust, clean the bathroom, wash all dishes and dry them, change beds and prepare vegetables for the evening meal, from age 9 onwards.

However when I had a child of my own I was told in no uncertain terms not to expect too much help and any help I got came with restrictions - back at a certain time, clear resentment and lemon sucking faces.

I was told on here though that all childcare and cleaning provided by me was just what is expected of children/teens and it shouldn’t have anything to do with help from grandparents later. Convenient. My domestic labour contributed £1000s to the long term economic security of my parents for around a decade until I left home but no, it’s entitled to expect any help to be reciprocated 🙄

To paraphrase a wise poster who resonated with me on a similar thread:

"If they got loads of help from Grandparents to raise their own children and aren't involved in their own grandchildren's lives. They probably don't enjoy being around children."

This really made me think, if my mum never cooked or crafted when I was growing up, I wouldn't expect her to start cooking for my DC or taking them for crafting activities. It feels different but if she's not interested, then she's not interested. I enjoy being with my children and I hope to be an involved grandparent if/when the time comes.

You said they had done their time raising children and now want to live their lives. Except they didn't, they palmed them off on OP and their parents (OPs grandparents).

They didn't want a big hand in raising their own children so it's hardly surprising they're not interested in their grandchildren

I hear you op . One my inlaws side I have a raging alcoholic who you wouldn’t leave your pet hamster with and mine are all elderly but even when way younger would not watch them for even 5 seconds while I went to the bathroom!
I remember having dry socket and not a single member of my family offered to help when my dh had to go had to work. They would/will never ever, ever help and won’t ever. It’s so so weird tbh … also they don’t spend time with us at all even with me obviously being there 🤷‍♀️
Oh and cherry on top I can’t even visit and stay as we’re never invited and it’s “too much “ with my kids and me there after an hour but I still have a family member complaining about why we don’t visit more , like wtaf can I do !?
My kids also no longer want to be stuck in a car for hours to have to turn round and drive all the way back again after an hour.
Im surrounded by people who don’t have to think twice about this stuff, they literally just say “oh I dropping dcs off at Granny’s for an hour” or I’m visiting for a couple of nights with the kids whereas I absolutely can’t .. it’s fckn embarrassing and makes it look very odd to others , Mose people think my family are dead or abroad.
My dcs are all older too so I don’t get it tbh … it’s gone on so long that we don’t have a relationship really and I guess if I think about my own background it makes sense.
I had to pay for help when I went into labour and I minded my sisters and sils kids a lot before I had my own.
The one thing is op is that it’s made me very resilient, very independent and strong and I help people , I’ve had my neighbours kids over when she had a bereavement, I didn’t think twice, I’ve volunteered with a program for respite for parents of kids with sn whereas my sister (who is all about this verbally ) wouldn’t dream of helping others.
I asked my sister to babysit for our wedding anniversary and I’d have had all the kids in bed and she said no , “too much , what if they wake up “ so so so weird and selfish . It’s like a principle with my family “we will never help “. They absolutely won’t offer .
I will say op my eldest is 14 and a great kid and in a couple of years my dh and I will be able to go for walks , go to the cinema without paying a teenager (who we can’t really relax about -15 euros per hour). Imagine how much a night away would cost us!! Also we have friends blah blah but they don’t need to do babysitting swaps as they all have normal family .
People who have family support are so lucky. We’ll get there op and appreciate it so much !!

This is me too. Hugs xx

Uninvolved parents means you're uninvolved when they have a stroke and need help.

Eh?

Or getting their older children and parents to

I agree, but realistically the kind of parents who want lots of help when their children are young are not going to be the ones to help with grandchildren, they see things as other people's responsibility not their own. If you're parents palmed their younger children off on you, I'm not surprised they're not jumping to help you out, they're selfish.

Maybe it's time for them to live their lives? They've done their time raising children.

YANBU however you are to state that it is a generational thing; my parents and in laws were amazing and really supportive. Tons of grandparents are out there every day helping their families, a large percentage of the country depends on them for daycare now.

You should not have been expected to parent siblings, though OP and of course this causes resentment and is very unfair. You can't really have expected support now with your own children if you didn't get it when you were a child yourself and I am sorry for that for you.

I hope the pain eases and you feel better soon, OP. 💐