To think my kids grandparents are terrible

My DD (2.5yo) knows who one set of grandparents are, she has no clue she has another set. They never ask about her, call or visit. My parents are considerably older than DH's parents, but make the effort. DH's parents play favourites and only see their grandson (my BIL's kid). Baffles me how DH's parents relied on their parents and their parents were amazing grandparents to DH. Now my IL's are grandparents, they are vile

You were clearly taken advantage of.

But you know what they're like so there isn't a cat in hell's chance they'd look after your kids.

And would you really want them to? They sound horrible

How dare your in laws still be working. Did you seriously think they should adapt their life around you and your childcare arrangements? Support is one thing but expecting grandparents to arrange their lives around you is entitled beyond belief. I could equally judge you for not staying at home to raise the children yourself that you chose to have.

I don't know if it's generational. My parents and in-laws are not helpful, but I have friends who have really helpful and involved parents.

I feel you. It's not great and I've had moments of anger – especially when my mother paints herself as the dream grandmother – but it's important to come to terms with it, for your own sake.

'Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.' (Saint Augustine)

I understand this fully. It is about wanting to know their grandchildren beyond the most superficial level.

A proper interest in them as people and in their lives. That would be nice, and it doesn't even have to mean childcare.

We were in regular contact with my parents, though lived around three hours drive away. We visited them a couple of times a year and they would visit us once or twice a year too. They still kept interest/involvement in their grandchildren at arm's length and minimal.

My mother once said to me very forcefully when I was still a teenager that I was NEVER to ask her to look after my children. It stuck with me. I knew I would have minimal to no family support network so I only dared to pipe up and ask on the very rare occasion when I was truly stuck and had absolutely no choice. On one of those occasions (my FIL's funeral, care needed for a four month old and a four year old for just one afternoon ever) they spectacularly let me down too.

I'm a grandparent in my 50s. My youngest child became independent at around the same time my first GC was born. I work full time and since I was in my early 20s have combined this with childcare, and for a time, looking after my own elderly parents on top. I anticipate that I will continue to do so until my 70s if my health holds; looking after grandchildren, using annual leave to help my adult children cover school holidays etc. By the time I'm done I'll have 50+ years behind me of this. Don't get me wrong, it's my choice and I'm happy to make it. But it really grinds my gears when people assume it should be the default for my generation and if we don't do it we're 'selfish'. If you can't manage without grandparent support, then the sensible thing would have been to find out what was on offer before having your children, then you could have planned accordingly.

I get you op I don't expect childcare but I would have liked them to make an effort and want to see their grandchildren which they don't seem to care about at all. They were crap parents to us thought so that's probably why tbh. Iv stopped trying because they clearly don't care.
However when they are old and need any sort of help I won't be doing anything. You reap what you sow.

Your mum sounds particularly selfish op.

Having wisdom teeth out can be an awful, painful experience.

I don't think that all grandparents are the same. It's half term and I've seen so many grandparents (some quite elderly) out with small children.

My mum and in laws have helped out here and there, and helped loads when the dc were very small.

I don't blame you for feeling pissed off and annoyed if your parents wouldn't even help you when you were ill. That's shit.

I have similar issues with my family. Luckily for me, my in-laws are much more like my own (wonderful) grandparents and although we sometimes have our differences I can’t fault how they are with my children.

I haven't voted because I am very much a hands off grandmother through geography as much as anything else. My parents were a huge help through the years, my inlaws not at all but it was because they lived so far away. My parents lived in our garden.

If I had the chance I would love to be able to babysit, shop for the parents, do whatever was needed to make their lives easier so from that point of view you are definitely not unreasonable.

This !! My Mum was a great hands on Grandma and I am with my grandchild . I do still work though ,so am not always available. Every generation have the givers and the takers .

I don't understand the tone of your post. It comes across like 'it serves the inlaws right' for not seeing much your child because they were gasp working to support themselves when you had her.

Not everyone can or wants to drop their own jobs/lives to look after other people's children. For free. Doesn't mean they don't want to be excluded entirely.

You mean its normal for parents to not reach out to their dcs when they are adults buts the dc responsibility to do so?

My parents are the same. Haven’t helped me with my son at all but had endless help and support from their own parents when me and my sister was young. I once called my parents (who were 10 minutes away) and begged them for a lift to hospital when I thought my son was seriously ill. I didn’t have a car and would have had to wait for my husband to come home from work otherwise (he was coming but was further away than they were). They couldn’t be bothered to come and my mum had the nerve to tell me I should take responsibility for my own child, after me and my husband had cared for him without any help for his whole life. I was so upset and told her she absolutely did not take responsibility for her own children because her mum practically raised us. Any respect I had for her disappeared that day and we barely talk now even though they still live close by. I don’t think it’s all grandparents but it has been my experience that they are far more selfish than my own grandparents were.

I'm basing my comment on the numerous grandparent, well actually grandmother, bashing threads I've seen.

How much effort did you put into being in contact?

But her husband couldn't be arsed his work was priority but she's not moaning about him.

That's generally the underlying reason most folk want grandparents to be more involved.

So you're moaning about your parents saying you had to bring up your siblings whilst saying your grandparents were very involved with you....so why did you bring up the siblings?
You went in for wisdom teeth removal but your husband couldn't reschedule his work commitments ....that seems more of an issue as he's the dad

I don’t think it is generation specific really.

My parents are pretty hands on grandparents despite all still working, which I am very grateful for. They have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. It probably helps that she is not only my only child but the only grandchild (until April when I have my second).

My maternal grandmother watched my mum struggle rather than actually help. I remember thinking from quite a young age that she seemed to almost enjoy my mum asking her for help and being able to say no. My paternal grandparents were kinder and more hands on, even after my parents divorce they would help my mum out, not just my dad.

My maternal grandmother is the only of my grandparents still living and it baffles her as to why we’re not at all close.

I get what you are saying, though don't want to tar a whole generation with the same brush.

My parents hardly had any involvement in the lives of any of their 6 grandchildren, or as another pp said, only at a very superficial level.

I didn't want them to do regular childcare, and I know that they wouldn't have wanted to either, which is fair enough. A bit more interest though, and a more willing support network on the odd occasion when they were needed would have been nice though. But, I knew I was to be largely on my own, so ...... !!

I do believe that my children were my responsibility, mine to bring up, and I did that. My choice to have them, my duty to care for them as they grew up. I don't see that duty as completely ending now that they are all adults though. I'm not actively parenting them anymore, but I still want to offer help if it's needed, and if I am able. That includes when/if they ever have their own children. I certainly hope to be much less distant with any grandchildren I may be fortunate enough to have than my own parents were with my children and my sister's (they hardly knew them).