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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:58

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:43

If you’re that interested start a thread and I’m happy to talk. I don’t want to derail the op’s thread

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So you want me to start a thread asking you specifically why you post mumsnet giving your male view (unsolicited) on matters?

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:57

Though notice in not Mumsnet fashion. A lot of support for a shocker 😱 step mother.

All us bitter first wife’s and whatnot must be having a day off

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 15:57

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:55

I know I’m sorry, that poster seems really interested in arguing and I’m happy to do so off this thread…

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Buh bye👋

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:56

Yeah if we can get back to the op @Arabella3

Though I’m sure she’s enjoying the love in here 😂

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:55

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 15:54

So much for not derailing 😂Dear me

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I know I’m sorry, that poster seems really interested in arguing and I’m happy to do so off this thread…

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 15:54

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:53

I said if you’re that interested in me you start one

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So much for not derailing 😂Dear me

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:53

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:52

I asked for your story

not your view

but I’m still hanging on for you starting a thread (it won’t happen)

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I said if you’re that interested in me you start one

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:53

To be clear @Billydavey i absolutely did not ask for your view on this or anything

my question was why are you on mumsnet?

LastRoIo · 21/02/2025 15:53

foureightnine · 21/02/2025 12:36

He doesn’t want to work less?

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Who said he did?

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:52

rosalynd34 · 21/02/2025 15:51

No I'm sorry but she works 1 day less and does pretty much everything, including stuff for the step children. Not remotely equal in my eyes and it doesn't matter if the sexes are reversed here.

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Perhaps op could confirm whether she does 90% of all the housework like some posters have assumed, or when she said “the majority” she meant more than half and in keeping with having one extra day not working

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:52

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:45

You literally asked

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I asked for your story

not your view

but I’m still hanging on for you starting a thread (it won’t happen)

rosalynd34 · 21/02/2025 15:51

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:12

No there are 2 things going on here

higher earner pays more, always fine on mumsnet

part time worker does more at home. Again always/usually fine on mumsnet.

it may be unusual to have both of those in one person, and it may be the balance of housework isn’t right, but why would the above stop being true. Generally

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No I'm sorry but she works 1 day less and does pretty much everything, including stuff for the step children. Not remotely equal in my eyes and it doesn't matter if the sexes are reversed here.

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:46

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:43

If you’re that interested start a thread and I’m happy to talk. I don’t want to derail the op’s thread

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You do a lot more talking about men tha you do listening to women.

crosstalk · 21/02/2025 15:45

It sounds to me as if you just need to sit down and calmly go through things - preferably when your DC is asleep and without the SC there.

Just point out how much you'd bring in net pcm working the extra day and what you and he would lose because of it. Realistically, doing 0.8 are you likely to get promotion? If so, I'd factor that in. Do calculations for a second child - and a return to work when that child is ?3 (so 4 years time). If he were to retrain, when would you recoup his training period?

It sounds as if were you to appeal to his logic he might very well agree with you.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:45

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:38

“Happy to talk about men”

even if no one asks you to or indeed wants you to?

Edited
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You literally asked

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:44

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:43

If you’re that interested start a thread and I’m happy to talk. I don’t want to derail the op’s thread

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I’m waiting with bated breath!

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:43

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:37

aaaannnddd… tumbleweed

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If you’re that interested start a thread and I’m happy to talk. I don’t want to derail the op’s thread

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 21/02/2025 15:39

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 14:12

To be fair to DH, if he could increase his income he would. He’s on a high salary for his field. He needs to keep weekends free for SC and he works all week, so he’d be looking at midweek evening shifts, which would likely be pubs / restaurants / supermarkets and near minimum wage. With 50% tax it’s not going to be hugely worthwhile.

And to retrain, he’d need to not work for a while and/or take a pay cut to build himself up, and whilst I’d be open to discussing supporting that, I wouldn’t be up for paying his maintenance at the current level, so it’d have a negative impact on SC in the short term.

Long-term, it does make sense for me to advance my career, and I’m sure I will do that in due course. We make a good team 95% of the time and I don’t begrudge paying what I pay.

Are you really a team 95% of the time? You sound really detached and... self-contained. Like it's you and your daughter and him and the stepchildren as optional extras. Maybe it's just your writing style but do you really feel like part of a team and a family?

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:38

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:29

Anyway I don’t want to derail and take over, so I’ll shut up now. Op has had a lot of decent advice and a few outliers saying her husband might not be a total arse.

happy to talk about men on mumsnet, why I’m here and all that, just not on this thread, it’s a complete derail and no-one’s that interested

Edited

“Happy to talk about men”

even if no one asks you to or indeed wants you to?

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:38

Cynic17 · 21/02/2025 15:36

I don't think I would be having another child with this man. As a couple, you already have 4 children - you may not be stony broke, but things are still tight.
It's unreasonable to move the goalposts at this stage, and work fewer hours, let alone plan for a 5th child.
Sometimes, we can't have everything we want, OP!

Could say the same to the husband.

The extension is just a bigger kitchen not a bedroom. The current car works. They can still have holidays just not 5k plus ones.

Summerhillsquare · 21/02/2025 15:38

WrylyAmused · 21/02/2025 11:35

I don't think OP is unreasonable at all - if she's covering more than 50% costs, it's fair enough.

But yet again the MN double standard - when the DH earns more, it's all "family money", including step children, cos "you and your children come as a package and he agreed to take you all on", but here the opposite is being said.

It can't be one way when the man earns more and the other when the woman does....

It's a site for women. If you prefer to read content supportive of men, you have the rest of the internet.

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:37

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:22

It doesn’t feel like a genuine question. If it is I’m happy to engage on my 15 years here, my disabled children and what I’ve got out of, and contributed here.

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aaaannnddd… tumbleweed

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:36

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:29

Anyway I don’t want to derail and take over, so I’ll shut up now. Op has had a lot of decent advice and a few outliers saying her husband might not be a total arse.

happy to talk about men on mumsnet, why I’m here and all that, just not on this thread, it’s a complete derail and no-one’s that interested

Edited

Aka none of these women listen to me whilst systematically ignoring all of the women giving accurate descriptions of the scenario

Cynic17 · 21/02/2025 15:36

I don't think I would be having another child with this man. As a couple, you already have 4 children - you may not be stony broke, but things are still tight.
It's unreasonable to move the goalposts at this stage, and work fewer hours, let alone plan for a 5th child.
Sometimes, we can't have everything we want, OP!

Ohnobackagain · 21/02/2025 15:32

@Arabella3 does DH pay half of nursery? I think while I understand you paying 60% of standard bills due to earning more before having kids, he’s getting a whole heap of savings with you at home
and so on. It also sounds like he has loads of anxiety from ‘scrimping’ during the first marriage. Echoes of the first wife coming up in conversations with you when your situation is totally different. I think counselling would help him with that and you do need to talk it through to help him see he’s on a good thing here. And if you want 2 days with dd and can make it work - take it. Life is short and that time is once-only.