To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

You are not being unreasonable at all.
Time with your child, especially while they are small, is the most precious thing of all. They grow so fast.. don't let anyone take away that time you and your little one have together. You already do way more than your fair share. I know you don't begrudge it, but don't allow any more one on one time with your little one to be given up.

I’ve read all OPs posts and I’m with her. Children are better off too if they spend more time with parents or why have them? Nursery is great for socialising but mum time / family time is critical too. Seems the step family have seen OP as an ATM and if he wants her to pay for his newer car, then she can stop funding SC beyond maintenance to the ex.and essential weekend expenses / extra curricular Then she can help with the car. Without going back the extra day.

Life goes by in a blink and babies grow up so quickly. It doesn’t feel like it while you’re going through it, but when they have left home and you look back, you see all the missed opportunities, the regret that you were not there more, the things you could have done with more hours in a day,or less work.

Quote below is a question asked by a poster upthread:

vivainsomnia · 21/02/2025 14:39
That's fair enough as it would be if he said he didn't want another child because he can't afford a fourth. You'll be OK to accept it?

This is OP’s answer:

If he said that, we’d need to go to counselling and talk it through because we would no longer have the same vision for the future.

The impression this gives is that the three kids they are talking about are DH’s two - OP’s SC - and their shared child. If OP were to have a second child it would be his fourth. So two children before OP met him, not three.

I’ve only read this far, but this post…no one knows how they will feel in advance of major life changes, especially having a baby. Maternal feelings are built in to click in once a child arrives.Its nature and natural. It’s how nature ensured the survival of species. She did move goal posts but he is not being fair that his life jogs on the same while she does ever more to pay for his extra wants. She’s already pays most, does most . He needs to make changes too and if he wants a champagne lifestyle he needs a champagne salary. Not expect her to sacrifice her life wishes for him. Or he does what the rest of us do and cut our coat to match the cloth

I don’t know what qualifies as big jobs around the house. I’ve not seen anything mentioned except the possibility of bins and arranging a mot. Big jobs? Seriously? 5 minutes on bins and a phone call are not big jobs. Any idiot can do those. Big jobs is actually servicing the car yourself, changing fluids and filters, replacing brake pads , fixing engine problems. Not phoning a garage. Big jobs is replacing roof tiles, mending fences, cleaning drains. Not merely putting bins in the street for g sake

So what ‘big jobs’ does he actually do, out of curiosity?

I can understand this, my sister is the same. Being a mum isn’t an absolute goal for her. She can see her life being happy either way, but if she did have them she’d want more than one. She wants either a bigger family experience or to continue with the no kids lifestyle.

Did you not discuss this before you became pregnant? If so, who has changed their position on it?

Yab a bit u, because it should be a conversation and joint decision, imagine if dh also refused to work full time for the same reason? Any change impacting the wider family should be discussed and agreed jointly. If you both agreed beforehand and he has now changed his mind then he is BU.

He didn’t have three kids, he had two. And if you read OP’s updates, his two kids are getting a lot more than standard maintenance pays for. OP is facilitating their lifestyle as well as having the SC most weekends while his ex works.

It’s a hard balance once you have children, esp now in this expensive life. I worked full time until we had children, went back part time with our first,DH worked full time, on a lot more than me.
When we had our 2nd DS, I took a career break, but I also did volunteer work at our 1st DS nursery, which lead me into a new career, early years. So I went term time , earning a minimum wage, just enough to cover the basics.
18 years later I still work in early years, we had our DD amongst it all, its tough working with a family to raise, the illnesses, the appointments, the school hours,
My DH has never really appreciated the juggle, he didn't realise it was half term last week! He works hard but unless I tell him what’s needed regarding our DD, he’s totally oblivious, its been like that for 25 years for me.
Whats the point of my waffle? Who knows ??? I’ve lost my point , guess thats the menopause for you!
Hope you work it out!

Typical scenario.
First wife gets to be with her children at home but he needs a solvent workhorse woman to fund his first family, hence he is well pissed that second wife isn't prepared to work as much as possible and sod her wanting to spen time with her baby.
Your position is clear OP....fund him and his first family.

He has no argument of any kind regardless of who earns what, because he is prioritising cash in his pocket over motherhood. The only argument in favour of full time work is a) the mother wants it or b) you cannot make ends meet without it.

Some things cannot be weighed up monetarily, so ignore the fuckheads trying to do that.

The fact that you are also the higher earner makes him a true fuckhead.

Do not have another child with this man and make sure you are well covered financially and legally, for when you split up.

I don't think its unreasonable to prioritise time with your daughter over building up savings and holidays.

But I also thing it's reasonable if your husband doesn't want a little sibling for DD if between you you don't earn enough for savings and holidays now. A 2nd DC would be an additional pressure

My mother in law still only works 3 days and her youngest is 30 😂

I'm with you OP! I work 4 days and have no intention of ever going back to 5 days once kids are in school (unless I really love the job I'm in by then). Plan is to have a day to run errands, do a shop, etc, which would obviously benefit the whole family as you then don't need to do some of those things on the weekend.

I would never trade my day with my DS for the money, it's not worth it. They're only little for a short time so if you can afford it, do it.

You need to go 50/50 on household costs and save any extra for a ‘fuck you’ fund and/or for holidays/car/second child if you prefer to share with your DH. He needs to realise what you are actually contributing. Most partners I know would be willing to subsidise the SAH parent not be expecting them to foot the lions share of household bills. And definitely not for holidays/new car etc. Do not give up this precious time with your child. Unless there’s stuff we don’t know he is being a selfish dick.

You won't want to do it when she goes to school either. Childcare is harder when they're at school and doing some drop offs and pick ups is so precious. As is a bit of catch-up time at home.

I can't see an extra day making a huge difference when you factor in nursery.

Stand your ground - he sounds like a PITA.

Rubbish

he only pays 40% of the bills and that's DH I r 2 kids from. Previous relationship too.

she wants one day that is just with her child.

hiw the AF is that unfair on him.

if he wanted nicer holidays and cars and children by different mothers he should've chosen a different career path loving what you do is all well and fine but it doesn't usually pay the bills as well as another career might

Youre married and splitting bills ? And you’re paying 60% of them on a reduced salary.

If you’re working full time and making more money - where is that money going ?

Id be a massive cf and open an account for household cost and have my salary put into a separate account. Then I’d total up the household costs divide it by 2 and then that’s what I’d be depositing into that account. Then in alternate weeks for grocery shopping and I’d make sure he had a detailed list. Then I’d make a chore board and alternate responsibility for chores.

let him decide if he wants a roommate or a wife.

OP, you are a workhorse atm and if you have a second child with him, you will bitterly regret all the money you wasted funding him and his first family.

You are mad.
He will never be able to fully contribute.

Eaten bread is soon forgotten.
They have indeed gotten use to your money.
You should have been banking savings.

Stop all extras now that you are paying for, you will need that money if you want another child.

Does 60% of household bills include bond / rent etc? So basically you earn 60% of the total family income, while he earns 40%? If that's the case, then he has no legs to stand on.

It is worth clarifying what "60% of household bills" is because it gives the impression that you earn more than him while working reduced hours.

I worked part time most of my life as my children were 10 years apart. I tried full time when my first child went into school but it was a nightmare. Hubby had gotten used to me doing 95% of housework, shopping, homework, school runs, I could obviously go on lol. So when I went full time my life (me) was nonexistent and our relationship really suffered. Reduced my hours to 21 a week and life became good again. You don’t have the fancy holidays and money is tight but we manage. I’m now 53 and I’m still part time 😂. And loving it