To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

I worked full time after DC for a year before having DC2. I did a short stint of full time with both in nursery full time and then dropped to 4 days. The unfunded bills for both were eye watering!

The clincher for me about 4 v 5 days was how quickly I would burn through tax free childcare allowance even with mine term time oniy bar a few additional days. My nursery fees are about £17 more per day unfunded than when DC1 started 4 years ago. What I lose in pay for working 0.8 is a lot less than what I would pay in childcare as reduced my tax paid.

I would so the maths on how soon you would eat up your tax free childcare allowance to show why you wouldn’t be better off!

I cba to date now, but if I did I'd have a rule of thumb - assume if a bloke is divorced, it's because of him. And most likely it's selfishness. It would be up to them to prove otherwise, but that would be my starting point.

How the op didn't laugh in his face - when he suggested she should work even more to put even more in a pot, the outgoings for which are his choices, not hers - I will never understand.

By dropping down to 3 days, can you afford to pay 50/50?
that seems like the perfect solution

He has expensive tastes but has chosen a not very well paid career.

That's on him, surely?

You chose to have a well-paying career, which has in fact enabled you to work less.
His career choice wasn't so good then really, was it? If he's that keen to make money, then maybe he should have chosen a better paid job. The choices he made in the past are impacting him now.
It's a bit rich that he has more children, costing your household more, yet you are paying more than half the costs. Again, it was his choice to have those children, and it's not reasonable to expect you to subsidise that.
I would mention here, for the sake of clarity, that I chose a well-paying career precisely so that I could afford to go part-time when I had children. DH earned less than me, and did suggest that he became a SAHD while I worked fulltime. I laughed. He wouldn't have picked up all the life admin, and in fact he struggled with doing childcare sometimes, and never managed things like planning and cooking fresh healthy food. I knew that, like many women, I would be picking up most of this,( even though I knew it was unfair) and in any event wanted to spend time with my children.
Anyway, I don't see why you should give up your day off with your DD to compensate for his lack of foresight.
If he wants to earn more, can't he do evening study?

He's more money driven, has more expensive tastes. Of course he is, but with your money!

You are already contributing 60%.

I would be telling him, you aren't the problem here and that he needs to up his game if we wants to keep up with the luxuries he has become accustomed to based on your income.

He's really taking the piss here.

I woukd be disgusted with him.

Is this really how we treat our spouses? "Challenging" them rather than talking like adults and accepting that perspectives we had before we had kids may have shifted?

Do what suits you - your kids are only little for a short time. When I looked at different options for different hours it helped to see what the actual difference in take home pay was after tax, ni, pension, commute and childcare costs. For me an extra £50 a week wasn't worth the loss of my day with my baby.

Beer budget, champagne tastes.

It's an affliction many of us suffer from, but we just endure it rather than exploiting overworked, exhausted new mothers to fund our lifestyles.

Tell him to jog on and take the SC camping. Or "Fuck off and stop exploiting my labour" might do the trick if he doesn't get the message.

Fair enough on the second job.

Realistically if you have another baby he’ll have five kids. We both make decent money but, I couldn’t afford to breathe if we had five kids not to mind supporting 3 of them living in another house.

So with 4 kids already and potentially another I think he needs a bit of a reality check things like holidays and extensions.

Wonder if his ex was also a the higher earner…

I'd not be adding a 5th child into the mix. It sounds like it's only just working as it is.

Does his maintenance form part of your outgoings?
or is that paid first and then you do the 40/60 split for household costs?
Bet I know the answer

I was on the fence a bit until you said he'd like to do more and better holidays with the children from his previous relationship. What a bloody cheek! You're already contributing more than 50%. If he wants more/better of anything then it's up to him to find a way to earn more money.

Christ op, he saw you coming and you can't see it AT ALL. Raise your bar.

Of course you shouldn't give up your bliss day with your dd for this selfish man.

On the contrary. You are already paying for his choices. Change the amount you put in the pot to 40%. He has made a decision to have 3 kids, he pays for them, 2nd job if need be.

Where's his compromise?

He really is taking advantage here - do holidays he spends with his children leaving you with the baby that he expects you to work full time for

why isn’t everything 50/50 - yes he works hard but how about you. You aren’t a cash cow for him

and if he works so hard how come he won’t retrain into earning more

Why would you have another with a man who thinks the logistics of family life is a you problem and not a shared enterprise to benefit your child?

He's more money driven, but in that he wants you to be the one bringing it in!!! I could be very money driven to if it were up to someone else to earn it!!

Its very easy to be 'hardworking' if you are doing something you absolutely love. He is doing a career that doesn't bring home the money, but gives him a real sense of fulfilment. Your fulfilment comes from your LO, he doesn't get to deny you that because he is working 5 days a week. Him working full time, isn't the equivalent to you working full time.

If he gave up the vanity career to do something better paid, and sacrificed the job satisfaction to prioritise the family finances then he has the right to ask you as well. At the moment he is sulking because you are prioritising your life over family finances, when he is doing exactly the same.

He's got a fucking cheek.

This is a man who has at least 3 children and is in a lower paid industry, not maximising his own earnings. Those choices have consequences, because children are expensive. He doesn't get to whinge because you're only willing to alleviate them up to a point. It would be taking the piss even if he did an equal share of all the non working stuff. He's lucky you were even willing to do 4 days.

His not more ambitious if he won’t retrain to earn the money he seems to want to spend but not earn. You already cover 60% of the costs do all the chores and life admin.

He needs to step up or shut up frankly. Expensive tastes on a poor man wage he needs to live within his means.

This. What have we come to when a mother spending 1 weekday with her own baby is seen as a luxury.

I don't think YABU, you're already contributing more than him and doing more around the house, so why does he get to call the shots? How does he envision you both working full time once DC starts school? Breakfast and afterschool club every day?

I'd be cautious about having another baby with this person OP. You seem to have a balance, even though you're paying more. If he wants more coin, he can sort it himself. You're not an ATM.