To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

Where did she say 90%?

she said the majority, so more than half. I’d expect that with a day off. 90% wouldn’t be fair but she didn’t say that, someone made that up

and I bet there’s a very substantial age gap

I would bet a tenner on this. Clue being the ops complete obliviousness to how selfish he is.

@Billydavey is a man and prolific on mumsnet spouting his view from a man’s perspective (not that anyone ever asks him to)

She pays 60% of all bills and other outgoings so she is sharing her money with her DH. He has more children to support and is paying less into the pot so he and his children are being subsidised by OP.

@Billydavey - why do you keep pretending that men pull their weight in the home? Surely, surely everyone knows this isn't the case for the vast majority?

No there are 2 things going on here

higher earner pays more, always fine on mumsnet

part time worker does more at home. Again always/usually fine on mumsnet.

it may be unusual to have both of those in one person, and it may be the balance of housework isn’t right, but why would the above stop being true. Generally

Yup

and I bet there’s a very substantial age gap

You’re first massive mistake was getting married to a man who was;
a) already a father to three children
b) the lower earner with champagne tastes

This had disaster written all over it from the beginning.

@Billydavey
What you keep missing, despite being patiently explained to repeatedly, is that the op is doing 90% of the unpaid work. Which very very few men on this planet would do if also being the breadwinner.

Did you miss the part where she pays 60% of the bills and does 90% of the work in the house and with childcare? I dont think this is anything to do with her being a woman, she is doing more than her fair share and he has ambitions apparently but only for his wife to do more while he does less.

I’m not disagreeing with that, just that if you were a bloke you’d be hauled over the coals for being a higher earner and not sharing, regardless of the existence of any step kids (he’s be told they come as a package)

Generally speaking that 5th day is rarely worth a lot. After tax, travel costs and childcare, the actual extra money tends not to be much, and you can preserve your career as well working 4 days as you can 5.

If you work ft, chores must be 50:50. If he hates the imbalance, could he work 4 days too.?

Why the hell should she just to allow her husband to spend on luxuries!!!!

Interesting

a higher paid step parent who has decided not to share their money with their spouse, presumably leaving the spouse working full time on less money without as much money to spend, and having to spend that on their kids.

I genuinely do wonder what responses a male posting this would get

I can’t get my head around having a baby with someone who already has 3 children and the financial, emotional, practical and logistical consequences of that.

Does your Husband have any intention to pull his weight around the home? Either now or if you took on more hours? Is there a reason why you do 90% of this?

Surely this needs addressing before more hours are discussed. As what he is asking is you work more, pay a larger chunk of the bills and have less time with your Daughter, what is he doing to contribute with this?

@Arabella3 wpild he take on more domestic and admin/mental load why is that not

I think you need to make this non negotiable because it is for you and your children and work towards and far better split of domestic chores and load

@Arabella3

As I see it, you work the hours you need to work to have the lifestyle that you want. Comfortable, but not 'luxurious-ish'. Your DH wants 'luxurious-ish' but he wants YOU to fund it at the cost of time with your child. Nope. If he wants it, he earns it. If he can't by increasing his hours or taking a 2nd part time job then he'll have to do without. Just like the rest of us do.

Or as my late lovely MiL used to say "Want in one hand, shit in the other. See which one gets filled first".

That her husband and her clearly have different visions for the future

he’s taking the piss

the op doesn’t seem to like him very much let alone love him

it’ sounds a shite marriage and the idea of introducing more children in to is depressing

op better off going back full time, saving her pennies on the side and then upping sticks

My advice wasn't for you. He might want to it's worth suggesting because he likes money and extravagant things. He doesn't want to work evening shifts or weekends to pay for it. He has 4 children to support. I have 4 children and know how much money it takes to look after them.

Why exactly does he want you to go back to work?? What percentage of household chores is everyone doing? What’s his actual reason? I suspect he’s controlling and that you are doing almost the entire household burden…

To offer you another perspective- I had baby, took redundancy. DH pays all bills. I have other income from investments, 80% of that that gets saved/re-invested. (DHs salary is 8x my investment earnings btw). You could say I ‘bring in’ minimum wage roughly. When I stopped employment we set up pension fund for me which has set pay in a month, and also a life insurance plan in case something happens to DH so we can manage financially. I plan on returning to work probably when da starts school. He is in nursery 3 days a week. I do all household chores and most admin. I also do some ‘side projects’ with my ‘free’ time whilst DS is at nursery that benefit everyone - DIY jobs etc. DH gets no say in what I do. We are very transparent and communicate well. Lots of appreciation for each others - valid - contribution, whatever that may be.

Why should she?

Maybe you could compress your hours into 4 days and work more hours in the evening maybe?