Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

507 replies

Arabella3 · 21/02/2025 11:23

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:29

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:24

I do not, and it would be interesting for the op to post the other way round and then perhaps take a balance of the responses as sensible advice.

Show quote history

Everyone's entitled to their opinion and mine is that you're wrong.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:29

Anyway I don’t want to derail and take over, so I’ll shut up now. Op has had a lot of decent advice and a few outliers saying her husband might not be a total arse.

happy to talk about men on mumsnet, why I’m here and all that, just not on this thread, it’s a complete derail and no-one’s that interested

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:29

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:28

You forgot "and he took the one day off specifically to dedicate to our shared child so they have a day together every week"

Show quote history

Just edited it. 😅

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:28

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:27

Aibu.

My husband pays 60% of the bills, and to be fair to him does the majority of the housework and daily life admin. But he only works 4 days a week which means we cannot extend our kitchen, upgrade our ok car or go on the same style of holidays we used to before we had a child together, I also have three children myself but they stay majority with my ex so I have them on weekend only and pay maintenance so he covers most/all of the holiday costs as well. He took that one day a week off to look after our shared child and enjoy the time together before they become school aged.

I think he should go to work the extra day aibu?

Yabu…

edited.

Edited

You forgot "and he took the one day off specifically to dedicate to our shared child so they have a day together every week"

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:27

Aibu.

My husband pays 60% of the bills, and to be fair to him does the majority of the housework and daily life admin. But he only works 4 days a week which means we cannot extend our kitchen, upgrade our ok car or go on the same style of holidays we used to before we had a child together, I also have three children myself but they stay majority with my ex so I have them on weekend only and pay maintenance so he covers most/all of the holiday costs as well. He took that one day a week off to look after our shared child and enjoy the time together before they become school aged.

I think he should go to work the extra day aibu?

Yabu…

edited.

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:27

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:24

I do not, and it would be interesting for the op to post the other way round and then perhaps take a balance of the responses as sensible advice.

Show quote history

Everyone would say "this is a reverse" because men don't do what the OP is doing. Ever. They do a combination of a few of the bits. Not all.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:24

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:23

It would be different if the lower paid parent was being left with pennies, but that's not the case here - they already have an income and lifestyle that would be envied by most.

If the sexes were the other way round in this case, I think the responses would be the same.

Show quote history

I do not, and it would be interesting for the op to post the other way round and then perhaps take a balance of the responses as sensible advice.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:23

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:06

Interesting

a higher paid step parent who has decided not to share their money with their spouse, presumably leaving the spouse working full time on less money without as much money to spend, and having to spend that on their kids.

I genuinely do wonder what responses a male posting this would get

Edited
Show quote history

It would be different if the lower paid parent was being left with pennies, but that's not the case here - they already have an income and lifestyle that would be envied by most.

If the sexes were the other way round in this case, I think the responses would be the same.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:23

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:20

Really. Earning less and expecting your partner to pay more is grabby.

working more and expecting your partner to do more at home is demanding?

Show quote history

It’s the combination.

She works 4 out of 5 days.
she pays 60% of the bills.
she does the majority of house work and admin.

He works one day more than her. Want the luxury life rather than comfortable they have while willing to do nothing about it himself. Yes grabby.

He would basically rather a 5k holiday over a 2k one and wants op to fund it entirely rather than the 2k and op gets one week day extra with their joint child. Grabby demanding man who cnba to support his entire brood.

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:23

Because every single time I come across you it’s you criticising mumsnet for our view / experience of men of it’s not positive

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:23

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:20

She works 20% less than him. She doesn't "just" do 20% more of the stuff round the house. She does the majority. It's not balanced.

Show quote history

How do you know? She’s not said the balance, someone else decided it was 90%, not the op

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:22

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:22

It doesn’t feel like a genuine question. If it is I’m happy to engage on my 15 years here, my disabled children and what I’ve got out of, and contributed here.

Show quote history

Knock yourself out

I’m all ears

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:22

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:19

@Billydavey why are you on mumsnet?

genuine question. All you do is get irritated by how men are viewed on mumsnet.

theres something a little…. Sinister off about your dedication to educating us women folk on the male perspective

It doesn’t feel like a genuine question. If it is I’m happy to engage on my 15 years here, my disabled children and what I’ve got out of, and contributed here.

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:21

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:19

@Billydavey why are you on mumsnet?

genuine question. All you do is get irritated by how men are viewed on mumsnet.

theres something a little…. Sinister off about your dedication to educating us women folk on the male perspective

You’re not going to answer are you @Billydavey

I think best just ignored

An angry angry man if your past posts indicate

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:20

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:19

Ok but still the majority of expenses she pays, she does the majority of the house work and life admin.

Point still stands. His stood there grabby child demanding more yet willing to do sod all extra himself

Show quote history

Really. Earning less and expecting your partner to pay more is grabby.

working more and expecting your partner to do more at home is demanding?

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:20

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:19

No I think either she stays part time and does more than him, or goes full time and he does half. That’s fair.

Show quote history

She works 20% less than him. She doesn't "just" do 20% more of the stuff round the house. She does the majority. It's not balanced.

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:19

@Billydavey why are you on mumsnet?

genuine question. All you do is get irritated by how men are viewed on mumsnet.

theres something a little…. Sinister off about your dedication to educating us women folk on the male perspective

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:19

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 15:17

So, as the higher earner, OP is paying more and as the part-time worker she is doing more childcare and housework, but, according to you, she is still in the wrong?

Do you think she should be working full time, putting even more into the pot and still doing more childcare and housework? Just because she is a woman?

Show quote history

No I think either she stays part time and does more than him, or goes full time and he does half. That’s fair.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:19

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:17

The op did not say 90%, someone else did

Show quote history

Ok but still the majority of expenses she pays, she does the majority of the house work and life admin.

Point still stands. His stood there grabby child demanding more yet willing to do sod all extra himself

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:17

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:17

But your still missing the part when the other person in the relationship is then demanding that the higher earner and the one doing 90% of the house while working pastime should work even more and continue the all the tasks just so he can have a 5k holiday, bigger kitchen and newer car.

His not saying babe work 5 days and I’ll take over 50% of the chores. His saying more more more. Like a greedy child.

Show quote history

The op did not say 90%, someone else did

JimHalpertsWife · 21/02/2025 15:17

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:16

No one gets asked for their opinion on here, we’re all welcome to share it though

Show quote history

But she's not keeping her income to herself. She covers 60% of the costs of their household, which are already inflated to cover two unrelated (to her) children who stay with their father (who contributes a lower amount).

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 15:17

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:12

No there are 2 things going on here

higher earner pays more, always fine on mumsnet

part time worker does more at home. Again always/usually fine on mumsnet.

it may be unusual to have both of those in one person, and it may be the balance of housework isn’t right, but why would the above stop being true. Generally

Show quote history

So, as the higher earner, OP is paying more and as the part-time worker she is doing more childcare and housework, but, according to you, she is still in the wrong?

Do you think she should be working full time, putting even more into the pot and still doing more childcare and housework? Just because she is a woman?

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 15:17

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:12

No there are 2 things going on here

higher earner pays more, always fine on mumsnet

part time worker does more at home. Again always/usually fine on mumsnet.

it may be unusual to have both of those in one person, and it may be the balance of housework isn’t right, but why would the above stop being true. Generally

Show quote history

But your still missing the part when the other person in the relationship is then demanding that the higher earner and the one doing 90% of the house while working pastime should work even more and continue the all the tasks just so he can have a 5k holiday, bigger kitchen and newer car.

His not saying babe work 5 days and I’ll take over 50% of the chores. His saying more more more. Like a greedy child.

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:16

Othermentions · 21/02/2025 15:14

@Billydavey is a man and prolific on mumsnet spouting his view from a man’s perspective (not that anyone ever asks him to)

Show quote history

No one gets asked for their opinion on here, we’re all welcome to share it though

ThePartingOfTheWays · 21/02/2025 15:15

Billydavey · 21/02/2025 15:06

Interesting

a higher paid step parent who has decided not to share their money with their spouse, presumably leaving the spouse working full time on less money without as much money to spend, and having to spend that on their kids.

I genuinely do wonder what responses a male posting this would get

Edited
Show quote history

Depends, would he be conveniently leaving out that the other spouse is doing more than their share of the household stuff and paid for expensive holidays for him and his DC pre kids?